Unusual demographics
by Haan
Summary: Naruto has barely returned from his three year long training trip with Jiraya, before chaos ensues. Why is he living in the Yondaime's old house, and why does he have so many dates all of a sudden? chap 1 intro with OCs, gets better after that.
1. Pursuit

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Naruto. Can I go now?

**Pursuit**

He was running, rotting leaves squelching underfoot as he swiftly moved through the forest outside of Konoha. The darkness, a shroud he'd always used as a cover, armor and a tool for his bloody line of business had turned into hostile territory. The wind rustling in leaves and branches created movement in the periphery of his vision, hinting at menacing shapes keeping up with him, doggedly and gleefully converging on him in his mind. His brain was working overtime, fighting to keep panic and an adrenalin fueled desire to survive from blocking his sense of reason.

As he leapt a fallen tree, the hole in his right thigh almost made him grunt in pain, clenched teeth barely suppressing the instinctive reaction to his wound. He had spent precious seconds to apply one of his clans minor secrets, a chemical compound, to the then bleeding wound, which in conjuncture with certain body control techniques stopped the flow of blood and dulled the pain. So far he had been able to keep up a decent pace, but he knew that he would soon start bleeding again, and those in pursuit would home in on the scent like sharks on a careless pearl diver caught away from the safety of land.

A glimmer of white drew his attention for a fraction of a second, almost doubling his heart rate and drastically increasing the flow of sweat on his brow. Fear almost had him now. He knew what that white shape, barely seen in the gloom of an almost moonless night, meant. If his pride would have accepted it, he would have surrendered there and then, but he had fought too hard for his self esteem to give up.

Praying for a miracle, the shinobi of the hidden bamboo village deposited his last few caltrops. With an almost obscene amount of luck, his pursuers might just get careless.

Neither gods nor luck were present however.

Suddenly Suwa Osamu realized that the sound of his steps had echoes. Swiftly he pulled his favorite melee weapon from his waist, the sai spinning in his hand. The partner weapon followed immediately after, and with a fatalistic mental shrug the infiltrator pushed of and up, landing on a branch overhead.

Of course the painkiller stopped working at that point, and the shinobi almost returned to the ground he had just left as pain flooded his senses for an instant.

Osamu barely had time to recover before three ominous shapes had him boxed in against the trunk.

"Why stop now?" One of them said, superiority in numbers and skill making the ANBU relax enough to satisfy her curiosity at the odd behavior.

"Any more running and I wouldn't even have been able to raise my weapons. I'd like to die with my wounds to the fore." Osamu responded, emotions voided as he resigned to do what honor demanded.

"Ohh, a genuine _honorable _shinobi!" Another one of the ANBU chipped in, the cynicism at odds with the youthful girlish voice. "Think we'll just let you up and run because you're _noble_?

"Just do it!" Osamu replied, an ever so slight hint of resignation apparent in his voice. "_What the fuck, have I lost it so completely?" _He thought realizing the slipup.

His mental balance lost for just a short time, the ANBU immediately moved in. One drew two rather bland short swords, slamming them forth. Osamu moved without thought, catching a blade in each sai, but was surprised and dismayed when his opponent used his instinctive defense to cross the blades and capture _his _zai, which also meant hands and arms, lifting them and leaving an almost indecent opening for the ANBU's comrades.

Osamu felt kunai barely scratching his skin on either side of his torso, but even before he wondered why they hadn't just moved for his exposed vital points, the burning in the wounds told him what was going to happen.

"_Not again!" _Was all he managed to think, before the poisons lowered darkness over his eyes.

* * *

"_There's light. Slowly… moving? Yes, a lamp swinging"._ Osamu thought as his vision slowly returned and focused. He was almost naked, a loincloth covering his crotch. He was seated, hands, fingers and arms secured to the chair he was seated in. He was almost certain that it would be a simple wooden chair, old and grey. It had always been before.

Something was different though, the light was… off. When his head stabilized, he realized that it wasn't a lamp, but a large panoramic window. Slowly blurry shapes resolved into less blurry shapes.

"_Oh, I am in it earlobe deep." _The unusually tall man thought to himself. His conclusion of just how deep in the shit hole he was came as the blurry shapes turned into recognizable human- shaped shapes. There were several, but the woman sitting behind the desk made him stare, blonde pigtails and over-developed chest quickly answering just who he should focus his attention on.

That her eyes were hidden in shadow didn't make the feeling of a drill working on his forehead go away.

"Awake, are you? You'll regret that soon enough." The not-quite-cool-enough voice made Osamu shiver. The current Hokage was known for her affection of his target, and he had gotten close enough to warrant an answer to what he was doing near Konoha's infamous jinchuriki.

Osamu cursed the fates, gods and demons, knowing that he'd soon be talking to Ibiki, the resident torture master. Had he been anybody else, he'd had spilled his guts right away, he was only on a simple info gathering mission after all. If he hadn't been, well, him. But those that had ordered him to attempt to spy on the container of the kyuubi no yoko had known the cost of capture. Most likely he had been ordered to go on his mission for the explicit purpose of dying under torture.

No surprise there.

"My apologies, Hokage-sama, but I am prohibited to tell you anything concerning my mission, village or _clan." _He said, hoping that she would pick up on his emphasis on the word clan.

"Not for long." Was the unsurprising reply, a slowly but steadily rising amount of killing intent leaking from the incensed village leader.

"Please! Let me tell you a story. It might help you to understand what I mean."

"Keep it short, it's getting late."

Osamu swallowed, the killing intent was getting rather strong now. Wasting no time, he started talking.

"A scorpion once wanted to cross a river, but was unable to do so, afraid of drowning. Spying a turtle about to make a crossing, the scorpion asked to be carried across. When the turtle refused, on account of not wanting to be stung, the scorpion pointed out that it would drown as well, were it to sting the turtle out on the river. Conceding the logic of this, the turtle agreed."

"Yeah, yeah. I've heard it, the turtle gets stung anyway during the crossing, because the scorpion has to follow its nature and they both drown. Your point?"

"I am a reversed scorpion. I can't tell you more."

"Hokage-sama, let's just turn him over to Ibiki and be done with it." One of the ANBU said, Osamu recognizing the voice from his failed escape earlier.

"No, I think I understand. He can't say anything due to a seal or jutsu, so it would be pointless to interrogate him." Tsunade frowned at the unexpected problem. The nin was almost certainly telling the truth, especially considering the amount of scaring his body was carrying. Only a prolonged exposure to a number of torture tools would leave marks like that, the wounds had been non-lethal but extremely painful.

"I cannot verify that the seal, placed inside my mouth, on my lower lip has that effect" Osamu commented, knowing that he was walking a very thin line at the poorly concealed admission.

"Don't listen Hokage-sama!" Yet another voice from earlier, this from the possibly young woman. "He must be lying, or it's supposed to make us trust him! The Suwa are-"

"Saki!" The name was shouted by a third voice, yet again female, interrupting the outburst. This one belonged to the ANBU that had rendered his zai useless.

"_How do they know my name, was I betrayed that blatantly?" _Osamu thought bewildered.

"What about the Suwa?" Tsunade asked quietly, the drill of her eyes suddenly switching target.

Osamu couldn't help but stare, wide-eyed and slack yawed, as he realized that the Hokage hadn't known his name before. He suddenly remembered that the amount of female ninjas in his village was unique, not normal, and that his pursuers should have been at least mostly men.

Maybe Ibiki wouldn't be his new worst-experience-ever after all.

* * *

A/N: Hiya, first new story in going on four years, go figure. It's just a start though, more will be forthcoming.


	2. Homecoming

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

**Homecoming**

It was a quiet day at the western gate of Konoha. Summer had arrived in force a few weeks back, and the dusty road, leading away from the hidden village, was baked tinder dry under the scorching midday sun. The two nins responsible for guarding the gate had retreated to their shelter, seeking refuge from the heat under the wooden roof. The shade gave an illusion of cool, but the electric fan had given up its spirit a few minutes ago, and they had spent the time since arguing over who should go and acquire a replacement.

The heat made the two men lazy, and so it was that their discussion took their attention away from the road, where three figures were slowly making their way towards Konoha. A kunai buried itself into the ground, and the two guards broke off their conversation at the sound. The signal from one of the hidden guards near the gate was an old one, and the two nins didn't need to look at the ground to understand its message. They both looked toward the gate, and seeing the distance left for the travelers, one of them got up and retrieved the kunai before plopping down on his chair again.

It took a few more minutes before the travelers had gotten close enough to be examined in detail. One was an older male, with a huge mane of shock white hair, held back by a forehead protector with the kanji for oil on it. The second was also male, in his older teens. His blonde hair was gathered behind a black forehead protector, with the symbol for Konoha on it. The third was a woman. She had red hair flowing down her back, loosely held in place by three leather chords and looked to be in her mid twenties.

They could see the female's hair, because she was walking with her back twisted away from the others, arms moving in what seemed to be rather spirited argumentation with the blonde male. He was looking back at her, but kept a much more demure façade, head bobbing in a nod or twisting in a slight shake as a means of commenting what seemed to be an almost endless tirade.

The guards exchanged glances. Unless something unexpected happened, this would be the only Konoha ninja party coming back that day. However, their impression of the blonde man wasn't meshing with their memories of him. Uzumaki Naruto was well known throughout Konoha as the biggest and brashest set of lips in the entire village, famed for being loud, obnoxious and over the top. The blue-eyed nin walking towards them wasn't acting the part. On the contrary, the rather tall, black and orange clothed young man almost seemed to be passive, if not downright shy.

As the three-person party got within hearing range, one part of the mystery was unraveled.

"-and the theory is absurd, I tell you. An economy needs to be carefully balanced between sufficient health care and the needs of private companies to make a profit!" The red headed woman announced loudly. The presumed Naruto nodded at this, keeping a politely interested expression on his face, while the older man, his possible mentor, the legendary Jiraiya, mostly looked bored. The fact that the woman was stunning, was rather well trained, had generous cleavage and an altogether not very covering outfit didn't seem to interest the famous pervert one bit.

Obviously, Naruto wouldn't be interested in a discussion concerning such a metaphysical subject as national economics. His reputation for lacking books marts was only topped by his reputation for having a low attention span. With one question out of the way, another popped up instead. Why wasn't Jiraiya trying to get the gorgeous woman's attention? He should be all over a woman that hot.

"Well, Akane-chan, I understand what you're saying, I just don't concur that a purely civilian authority can make the correct decisions concerning these matters, as there is usually a lack of long term consequence planning. Oh, and I think we'll have to cut this discussion short, the gate guards won't find this discussion all that interesting." Weirdness seemed to have decided to return with a vengeance, as this statement was uttered by none other than the look alike Naruto.

"Humph, don't think I'll let you get away that easily Naruto-kun." Was all the red head said in reply, turning green eyes forward and staring almost insultingly at the two guards, whose jaws seemed to be planning to run off and start a family together, what with how low they were hanging and all.

"If you two are done boring me out of my mind, I suggest we get signed in and go visit Tsunade. I'm certain she wants to hear all about your recent exploits, Naruto." Jiraiya said, giving the blonde an irritated glance. "I swear all this talking has completely taken all the fun out of our hike."

"As long as you're too bored to bother Akane-chan, I'm okay with it." Replied Naruto coolly, obviously unimpressed with his teacher's grumpy announcement.

"God damned brat."

"Perverted old man"

"Guys, please."

After the routinely exchange of insults, interrupted by an equally routinely request for peace, the three arrived at the guard booth.

"Hey there, Uzumaki Naruto and Jiraiya of the Sannin returning from mission." Naruto said in way of greeting. "The lady is a civilian from Suna, delivering a message to the Hokage."

"Hey Naruto, welcome home, can we have the lady's name please?" One of the guards replied, his colleague opening a large ledger and preparing to record their arrival.

"My name is Sabaku no Akane." The red haired bombshell said. "I'll be staying here for a few days, a week at the most."

"Very well. Naruto, I'm sure there are places you'd like to go, but Hokage-sama wants you in her office an hour ago."

"Is she mad?"

"Dunno about that, but she came here in person to make sure we'd send you there as soon as you arrived."

"Crap, that can't be good." Naruto muttered, throwing a glance at Akane. "Akane-chan, our deal was to escort you to the hotel, would you mind accompanying us to the Hokage?"

"If it means spending some more time with you, sure!" The red head exclaimed, suddenly looking a lot more energetic.

"Eh he, please, you're making me embarrassed here Akane-chan." Naruto replied, a large grin breaking free from his earlier serious visage. Akane replied with a grin of her own.

"Just you wait, I haven't even met any of your friends yet, Na-ru-to-kun." Leaving the threat hanging, Akane turned to the guards again. "I'll be staying at the Golden Oak inn, anything else you need to know?"

The guard who did the talking answered. "I'd ask if you're free tonight, but I'm guessing that's something you're saving for Naruto, so no, thank you and enjoy your stay in Konoha." Having said that, he smirked at Naruto, who had actually started to blush.

"Whatever!" He said and started walking rather quickly towards the Hokage's tower, shoulders tense and a now rather intense blush spreading from his cheeks down to his neck.

"He's so cute when he's pouting! Goodbye guys!" Akane said, loud enough to be heard by the retreating blonde. "Naruto-kun, wait up!" She yelled before running off to catch up with the now intensely embarrassed ninja.

Jiraiya shook his head. "He really needs to learn about handling affectionate women soon, this is getting silly." One of the guards looked at him. "Is this common? He's never been very popular in Konoha." Jiraiya grinned. "Oh, but in other countries he's just a young, tall, well trained and mysterious ninja. Not to mention that he's something of a hero in Suna. He had to disguise himself while we were staying there. Well, Tsunade won't get any easier to deal with while I'm standing around here. Ja ne." With that the Sannin started moving towards the tower as well.

While the travelers made their way to the Hokage's tower, a quite different scene played out at the ANBU headquarters.

* * *

"We're to bring him to the Hokage. Here's the release form." The voice was female, and all too familiar to Osamu. He'd been forced to hear it all too often during the last two weeks. Things had gone well for him during his first meeting with the Hokage, which should have made him suspicious. Nothing good had happened to him lately without something worse happening soon afterwards.

_**Two weeks earlier**_

"Shizune!" The busty Hokage yelled, waiting for her assistant. As soon as her head poked into the room, Tsunade were giving orders. "I want you and these ANBU to escort this man to ANBU hq. Give him some clothes and put him into a B grade holding cell. I want no violence directed his way unless I specifically order it, understood?"

"Hai, Tsunade-sama." With that short reply, Shizune waved for the ANBU to follow her. Two of them released his bonds, picked him up none too gently, cuffed his hands together, gagged him and then they all followed the Hokage's assistant out.

"You got lucky this time breeder." The one called Saki hissed. "Just pray I won't catch you unguarded, or whatever gave you those scars will seem like a picnic in comparison." The venom in her voice convinced Osamu that she was nut crushingly serious. He filed away the insult, breeder, for something to ponder later, as they had caught up with the woman dressed in black. Apparently his captors didn't want to reveal any more than they already had, as they kept quiet all the way to his cell.

_**Back to the present**_

Of course the fact that he wasn't to be harmed physically hadn't stopped the vengeful Saki to return to his cell every now and then. He had some strong suspicions about who she was and where she really came from, as the insults she would direct at him were mostly unique to his home village. It seemed that a few of the female ninjas that sometimes decided to search for bond mates outside of his country had ended up all the way over in Konoha. She got careless when angry, slipping out small tidbits of information while she spewed out an intense hatred for him, his clan and men in general.

Osamu was no fool, and since he was allowed the luxury of a small window, used the rising and setting of the sun to establish a daily routine. He was certain that he would need all the mental fortitude he could scrape together as soon as the seal master that the Hokage had mentioned returned. He was grateful to her for giving him a chance, but it would be hard to explain enough about himself to be believable, without crossing the line of treason. He didn't mind explaining about his clan, as he was now acting head of the few members that remained, but as the clan was still a part of the Village Hidden in Bamboo, He still couldn't tell too much to outsiders.

He still had his pride, battered though it might be.

"Very well, let's get him for you then." The voice, sounding uninterested, was that of one of his jailors. Although they never talked to him directly, they hadn't done anything to his food and every time Saki had been by they checked him over for injuries. He knew they were only doing it because of the Hokage's orders, but he was grateful none the less. Some jailors actually got an extra income by accepting money in exchange for some "fun" time with prisoners.

There was a jingling of keys, a lock opening and then he was being unchained from the wall. Before he had a chance to work out some of the stiffness in his legs, he was being hustled outside. There the three ANBU responsible for his capture and the Hokage's assistant were waiting for him. Shizune was the one to address him.

"Jiraiya has just returned, and I expect he'll want to look at that seal of yours as soon as possible. I advice you not to try and mess with him, as the only one in the village that can beat him in a fight is the Hokage." Having delivered that bowel emptying piece of information, Shizune turned away and led the group out of the prison section. In the guard room outside he was gagged once more, before they set of to the tower.

Osamu kept telling himself that things couldn't get much worse. He marveled at how good he had become at lying, as he almost believed himself. Then he remembered that desperate people would believe nearly anything, and he had to suppress a shiver of dread.

All too soon, they had reached their destination.

* * *

Naruto was starting to feel uncomfortable.

That was not unexpected. He was after all supposed to report on his training's progress after three years absence, as well as the result of his side trip to Suna. When they arrived at the tower, they'd been told that the Hokage was busy. He was now cooling his heels in a lounge while Tsunade finished talking to some council members. All that was expected and he didn't really think much about it. What was not expected was that he was already sweating.

One the secretaries were looking at him again.

Naruto ducked his head, cursing softly. Those looks that he kept getting from various members of the Hokage's staff were starting to get on his nerves. When he walked in, he'd gotten the usual glares, as he was accustomed to. What surprised him was that the glares had turned into something that he thought had to do with shock. After that some of the women had starting blushing, some had gotten something calculating in their eyes, and some had started smirking. The worst ones were those that did a combination.

It wasn't just stares either. After a few minutes some had disappeared for a while, coming back looking a bit, "touched up", like there was a certain time of the day that they were supposed to check their makeup. Regardless whether there had been touching up or not, Naruto found himself catching winks, smiles, pens being licked and various other nerve wrecking actions from across the room. He'd been surprised and a bit flattered when it happened away from Konoha, but it hadn't really gotten much further than looks (and once or twice, a pinch to his rear).

Now however, even someone as clueless as Naruto was catching to the fact that he might have changed in more ways than one on his training trip. He had spent most of it secluded in various non-populated areas, training or studying while Jiraiya went to meet contacts, or do "research". He had on occasion been forced to track down his irresponsible mentor, learning to his shock that a "strip club" wasn't referring to a certain pattern on the wallpaper or a required clothing style. He dearly hoped that Jiraiya never learned that he'd somehow always gotten the tabs rescinded, although he couldn't understand why at the time.

He had gotten a lot of new female friends. In hindsight, he realized that the "carnal pleasures", which had been offered quite a few times, might not have been a referral to ramen.

Another source of unease was Akane-chan. She'd started acting really weird, moving her armchair so close to him that he had almost asked if she wanted to sit in his lap. She had done so before, and Naruto was getting the feeling that her reason for doing that was something other than that the chairs were uncomfortable. She had also started to touch him, in an off-hand sort of way. It wasn't all that obvious, it was just that every now and then she'd just happen to touch his hand or arm, or spot some lint on his clothes (he hadn't seen any, but she apparently had very good eyes). She'd even tried to comb his hair with her fingers.

And all the while Jiraiya could be heard laughing his ass off in an adjoining room, together with Kakashi of all people. It was enough to drive a man mad and probably planned in advance.

Naruto turned his head at a particularly loud laugh, and found himself staring into the much too close face of one of the young, pretty secretaries. Naruto remembered distractedly that the Sandaime most likely hired these women, and that the old man had an eye for the fairer sex.

"_Ugh, not that word!" _Naruto thought to himself, panic almost getting the best of him. He didn't know much about that rather adult activity, having avoided most of the lessons at the academy involving anatomy and sex ed. As for travelling with Jiraiya, he had kept the memory of how painful a woman's anger could be, not to mention her slap, fist, elbow, foot, knee and, one memorable time, forehead, alive and well. Indeed, Naruto had been thoroughly traum- eh _educated_, yes, educated is a good word, about the consequences of peeping, touching and sometimes sitting quietly in the next room. There had been no onsen trips for him. He liked his male parts where they were, thank you very much.

One could say safely say that the various thinly veiled suggestions he'd gotten in the last half hour had been answered with a completly earnest "No, thank you, I'm not thirsty" or some such. The fact that such innocent replies only stoked various fires among the females of the staff was completely lost on the clueless young man. It did intensify the looks and so on that he got, putting him that much more on edge.

Much of his current predicament stemmed from the fact that a part of his body was trying to convince the rest of him to go and hide someplace safe, like Uchiha Itatchi's bedroom. Another part of him, which had been firmly suppressed for some years now, was arguing for a queuing system with numbers, which would mean that certain as yet unknown activities could take place in an orderly fashion. The rest seemed hell bent on praying and being nervous.

"Uzumaki-san," A sultry voice said, somehow making Naruto want to take a shower. "the Hokage will see you now." The secretary delivered the entire message staring at his torso. He'd unzipped his jacket upon entering the tower, hoping to cool down a bit in the air conditioned building. Seeing as how his t-shirt was the last clean one in his pack, he'd have to ignore the fact that it was two sizes too small and had a gash in it that allowed part of his abs to breathe, in addition to being an almost see through white. He had hoped to get some clothes washing done, or at least shop a bit, before meeting his "oba-chan".

He was, naturally, completely unaware of how his garments affected the females that were exposed to them.

"Thank you!" He replied, relief oozing out of every pore and a huge grin planting itself on his relaxing face. This was followed be what sounded like a breeze, as various women sighed quietly at the sight, as well as cracks from three former kunoichis, who all snapped their pencils in half.

While the secretary walked over to a nearby door, intending to inform Jiraiya, Naruto added insult to serious injury when he decided to take of his jacket completely. Fortunately he turned his back on the secretarial staff, as he would undoubtedly have felt compelled to comment on the sudden plague of drooling mouths, slack jaws and red faces. Picking up Jiraiya in passing, he and Akane headed to the Hokage's office.

* * *

A/N: Well, I think I'm starting to get a grip on where I want to take this now. I understand if there will be various comments about "it's been done before" and such, and I've probably messed a few things up with the japanese. If you'd complement any mistake spotting with some way to improvement, I'll be very grateful.

Also a heads up, I want this to be a fun adventure, but I'm going to have to go a bit dark too. Be prepared. Also, if you're hoping for those fruit related scenes, grab onto some patience, I'm still a ways away from being up to writing something like that well (my opinion).

Next chapter will be some more background, a nosebleed (won't happen often, I promise) and, if my hand isn't too tired, a reunion of Naruto and some of his old friends.

Till next update (whenever that'll be).


	3. Tough love

Disclaimer: In case you've missed the previous chapters I don't own Naruto. Now get.

**Tough love(?)**

"Enter."

She had barely uttered the word before the door swung inwards. First in was her old teammate, looking almost exactly like he had just over three years ago, when he left. The fact that Konoha had become a dreary, bleak place, with little to distract her from the burdens of her office, had nothing to do with _him_, at least directly, but with the boy he took with him.

A boy that could test her patience just by smiling. A boy that seemed to be the natural enemy of stability, harmony and peace. A boy that, if any kind of incident or problem occurred, could be expected to be at its center, blue eyes wide with innocence.

A boy that had time and again reached out to the battered and broken souls of the cold, bloodthirsty and or psychotic killers that inhabitated the merciless world of ninjas, and brought solace, warmth and healing. Even forgiveness.

That boy had brought her back from the slow death she had pursued for more years than she wanted to admit to. When he left, only the thought of preserving his beloved village kept her going. That had thankfully changed, new people, her new apprentice among them, reminding her that although bonds hurt when cut, they gave amazing rewards while whole. But the blonde brat that had worked so hard and dared so much over a stupid bet, was still her most precious person, in her heart as loved as a son.

As Jiraiya moved out of the doorway, she felt her heartbeat rise quickly. Thankfully her palms remained dry and her breathing steady. Control of oneself was vital to any ninja, and the kage was always the ninja of ninjas. Considering the width and depth of her feelings for the boy she hadn't seen in so long, she could allow herself some little sign of anticipation.

When a strikingly beautiful redhead walked through the door, tanned skin and generous assets screaming female, it was only natural for her to go momentarily blank.

"_Sex change?" _Was all she had time to think, before the person that was, in almost every conceivable aspect, _not_ Naruto, moved out of the way, and a blonde boy entered.

The fact that Hatake Kakashi slipped in and closed the door behind him, somehow managing to combine his natural I-am-supposed-to-be-here swagger with a movement pattern saying don't-see-me, barely registered with the legendary sucker. Indeed, at the moment it seemed plausible that Orochimaru himself, riding an ostrich and naked as the day he slithered out from under the rock he probably came from, could have entered the room, perform a mime act proclaiming his undying love of small furry animals everywhere and leave, without get more than a request to close the door after him as a reaction from the current Hokage.

As Tsunade's mind tried to return from the near-catatonic state I had fled into, a heavy silence filled the room. The four visitors stood at attention, awaiting some sign from the Hokage that they should begin the debriefing formalities.

The fact that she was still as a statue and wouldn't say anything did not seem like a good reason to start. Naturally, this state couldn't last.

"Umm, Uzumaki Naruto reporting for mission debriefing, Hokage-sama." If the natural order of the world seemed a bit bent with the Hokage petrified, it would have to be turned into a corkscrew to fit a world where Naruto, of all people, would call his unofficial mother Hokage-sama. Thankfully, that utterance kick started Tsunade's brain.

"Gack….mmffff……mmmffffmmf!" Was Naruto's eloquent response to the fierce hug that he was enveloped in. The Hokage may have been forced to reach up to put her arms around Naruto's neck, but that didn't change the fact that his face was suddenly parallel to the floor and buried in Tsunade's, um, well, ahem. The frantic arm movements of Naruto hinted at all the things he would like to say, if, that is, he would be allowed the air to do so.

After almost a full minute of the endearing (and endangering) scene, Jiraiya decided to take pity on his disciple.

"Tsunade, I haven't taught him to breathe through his butt you know."

"Hmm?" Was the dreamy response, as a misty eyed Tsunade slowly returned from somewhere quite far away. Most likely a place that contained bunnies, and possibly cotton candy.

"HHHHHMMMM!" Was Naruto's heartfelt comment. Whether Tsunade could decipher it or simply connected the vibrations in her chest with the fact that she could only see Naruto's hair, is something that may never be revealed. The result was at least obvious, as she released her grip enough for the oxygen deprived teen to jerk his head out of the potential death trap and take a much needed breath of air. The emotional Hokage kept her hold, as she smiled at the much changed young man.

"Welcome home, Naruto. We've missed you around here."

"Thanks, oba-chan, it's great to be back." Naruto's smile was nothing like his usual grin, real, raw emotions let loose in a moment of pure joy.

The moment had to end however, and the embarrassment that a polite chough, or some such, would bring was not welcome. Letting the well known formalities of after mission debriefings help control their emotions, Tsunade released her grip and took a step back. At the same time Naruto shook himself ever so slightly, letting his face turn into a more neutral and businesslike façade.

Neither wanted to let out all of their emotions in public, even if the current public could be, and had been, trusted with quite a lot.

"Report mission status." The Hokage's voice was clipped now, efficient and practical. Her eyes were a different matter, but that was okay. No one could hear the emotions hidden there.

"Both missions completed successfully. This scroll contains a detailed summary of my training and its results, and Sabaku no Akane here carries a message from the Kazekage in response to my diplomatic visit in Suna. In addition I can report the completion of fifteen D-class, eight C-class, four B-class and one A-class mission. The details of those missions are in the custody of Ero-sennin." Naruto's voice echoed Tsunade's, only his derogatory nickname for his sensei giving a hint of the rebellious boy he had once been.

Tsunade frowned. "Why the unofficial missions?" Her shock at seeing the transformed genin had been caught, strangled, quartered and drawn, as the psyche of one of the legendary Sannin shelved various emotions to focus on the importance of duty.

"Practical education, testing of acquired techniques and reimbursement of the Super-Pervert for my training."

"What?" Tsunade's voice had suddenly found an edge somewhere, and there was no positive emotion in her eyes anymore.

"Hrrm, it's great-" Jiraiya began, in an attempt to head of certain unpleasant (for him) revelations.

"Silence Jiraiya." Tsunade snapped. "I'll deal, ah, _welcome_ you in a moment." Her voice had now acquired some steel as well, and there was a hint of frost in the air, as eyes that seemed to posses some kind of dojutsu drilled into the head of her former teammate. She turned a somewhat softer look at Naruto, but he still had to remind himself that he wasn't the one in trouble this time around. "I had a substantial stipend set aside for you, why would you need extra money?"

"No idea, haven't heard about any stipend before." Was the neutrally correct reply from Naruto. Jiraiya was starting to sweat at this point, while Akane was looking confused and Kakashi, while remaining the epitome of cool, was broadcasting a body language message saying I-am-not-here-at-the-moment.

"I see." Was Tsunade's only comment, as she visibly reined in her volatile temperament. She then turned to the unknown female. "Sabaku no Akane, was it? A relation of the Kazekage?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama. I'm his cousin. He tasked me with delivering this scroll to you, as Sunagakure's official reply to your diplomatic mission." Akane paused, and then pushed ahead. "He also asked me to convey his gratitude for your choice of envoy. That you would prolong Naruto's absence, even for establishing a contact with the new Kazekage, was something that he is very grateful for. He also asks that you, if possible, would allow Uzumaki-sama to repeat his mission in the future." Akane pauses yet again, seemingly unsure of how to continue. She hands over the scroll to cover this, before continuing. "This request is informal, and the Kazekage understands that Uzumaki-sama will be kept very busy. However, he feels that the bond between them is important enough to warrant the risk of travels. He is also prepared to visit Konoha, if Uzumaki-sama is unable to leave Konohagakure due to his heavy burden."

Tsunade looked at Akane with a thoughtful frown. That Gaara wasn't just referring to how nice it would be to meet his friend and unofficial brother was all too obvious. On the one hand, the fact that he was threatening to take action if Naruto was somehow restrained in his movements was not something that the Hokage should take in stride, their business was their own, and no outsider should interfere.

On the other hand, he was declaring his preparedness to support Naruto if such a thing was to occur. She knew all too well that she was no immortal, age confusing genjutsu or not. If the worst came to pass, and Danzo or some other nutcase succeeded her, she could count on Gaara to come to Naruto's aid, which, knowing Gaara, might well mean an escorting "honor guard" of several thousand shinobi. She knew that Naruto had a reputation in Suna that should rightfully be mirrored in Konoha.

"Well, I'll see to it that you receive a written reply to take back to the Kazekage within a few days. As for his informal request, you may tell him that I, myself, would of course never consider placing such a burden of work on Uzumaki-san as to prohibit a mutually beneficial diplomatic visit. He may feel absolutely certain that I won't need reminding." At that she paused, having sent a firm reply to the first part of the young Kazekage's request. "_So don't you imagine for a second that you can intimidate me." _Then it was time for the second part. "I am of course pleasantly surprised that the Kazekage himself would consider visiting us if necessary, and although I am certain that it shall never come to pass, I and many with me that he may remember would of course welcome him with open arms and do everything in our power to make his visit a pleasant and fruitful one." Having finished her second reply, Tsunade could see that Akane had committed the message to memory. _"If he needs you, you won't be alone in busting him out."_

"Ahh, diplomatics between friendly nations can be so heartwarming." This came from Jiraiya, who was desperate to avoid the imminent questioning-turned-punishment, which would be carried out on him unless he could keep Tsunade occupied until she forgot the issue. A foolish notion perhaps, but then, Jiraiya was prepared to grasp whatever straws he could get his hands on. "On the topic of relations, Naruto, don't you have some gifts?

"Oh yeah, just a moment." Naruto replied, sending a disdainful look at his teacher, silently wondering why the normally silver tongued spy master would almost instinctively pull the most obvious, blatant I-am-guilty schemes whenever Tsunade prepared to continue her ongoing attempt at beating out some of the toad hermit's obsession with naked, or if necessity so demanded, scantily clad women. The fact that it hadn't had any noticeable effect on him so far was not really an issue, as Tsunade had an almost religious fervor in never giving up her attempts at turning her former teammate into someone who could be left with a woman, almost any woman, for at least five minutes without making her scream pervert and/or cause him physical pain.

Naruto reached into his backpack, taking out two packages. One he handed to Tsunade, and the other to Kakashi. Tsunade thanked him, a smile once more on her lips, while Kakashi merely let his eye convey the possible smile that, if it existed, was hidden by his mask. Tsunade unwrapped her gift first, finding a long, thin box of carefully polished teak. Delicate scrollwork was set along the edge of the lid, and the discreetly superb work on the box was indeed signaling that the inside contained something every girl in the world should be allowed to wear at least once in her life.

Inside was a necklace. Its base was a simple yet exquisite work in silver, the links small enough to promise a tight fit around the neck, while still being carefully twisted to allow someone with an inhuman amount of patience to cover the links lightly in various precious stones, all glittering like newly fallen snow under a full moon. The centerpiece of the necklace was a detailed snowflake, carved from a single diamond.

While Tsunade stared at the gift, she couldn't help but mumble the question that was on everybody's mind, except of course Naruto*s.

"Where did you get this?"

"Well, we spent some time in Snow country and I ran into the princess there. She wanted to thank me for the last time we met, and when I said I wanted to bring back a gift for you, she gave me that."

Tsunade didn't waste any more words, once more wrapping Naruto into a hug that could easily be confused with drowning in a warm waterbed.

Akane, wishing to save Naruto from death by giant, err, well, you know, turned to Kakashi. "Ah, what did you get, Hatake-san?" It wasn't the best rescue attempt ever, but it did the trick, as Tsunade stopped thanking Naruto to death and turned to the jounin. Kakashi simply smiled and tore of the wrapping. His normally unflappable façade shattered like the expensive but ugly crystal vase that your aunt is certain you'll love, when it's accidentally dropped from the roof. His eye opened wide, his hands started shaking and when he spoke, it was in a voice that none of them had heard before. Naruto got a disturbing flashback to the golden days of the Uchiha fan club, just with a tad more timbre.

"The next Icha Icha novel! It hasn't even been released to the hundred special super fans! I can't believe it! I've been waiting for 'The Apprentice of Love' ever since it was announced almost three years ago!" While the almost squeal of the normally collected jounin made Tsunade and Naruto wish for a short term memory loss, Akane suddenly had a look of interest.

"Kakashi-saaan." She purred, when the worst of the white haired pervert's celebratory antics had settled. "Would you mind if I took a little peek in that book? I just got this sudden _urge_ to know a bit about one of your hobbies." Kakashi, who didn't know the extent of what Naruto had shared about his former sensei, made the mistake to look at Akane, who had assumed a posture that somehow looked innocently asking and hot-bloodedly inviting at the same time. His normal caution was overruled by his joy at the unexpected gift from the gods, and he complied with a smile, handing over the rare novel.

"Hmm, aha…oh my." Akanke's eyes went a bit wider. "Hokage-sama, do you happen to have a ruler? Thank you." Akane stared at the graded piece of wood, threw Naruto a scrutinizing look, and kept reading. "Hmm, not much of an exaggeration, but where did he get the inspiration for all this. Naruto, did you go to an onsen with Jiraiya during your trip?" Naruto started blushing again.

"Yeah, once."

"Would you mind sharing what happened?"

"Err, well. Jiraiya said that the local onsen was closed for renovations, and that we could take this opportunity for some recuperation."

* * *

_**At the onsen, one and a half years earlier.**_

"Gaahhh, oh damn, this feels reaalll good, Ero-sennin." Naruto was in heaven, muscles that had been worked near constantly for months finally allowed to relax in the hot waters.

"I know, why do you think I like doing my research at places like this?" Jiraiya had a bottle of sake out, of course, but otherwise he and Naruto had the same equipment with them, one large and one small towel. Their clothes had been stashed near the fence at the back, and they had put the chakra suppressing bracelets on each other that was a silent agreement of peace. That there would be no one there for the whole day, letting Naruto recuperate in peace, was a gift from the gods.

The fact that Naruto had never had a chance to enjoy an onsen made him careless and inattentive. He drifted lazily in the hot spring, marveling at the way the rays of the chilly winter sun refracted in the thick steam surrounding him. He would have had a hard time seeing Jiraiya in this, if he had bothered. Instead he let himself surrender to the new found sensations.

He would later surmise that he had dozed off, because he could not understand how else he would be surprised to hear a multitude of female voices from the entrance. Alarmed at this unexpected development, he quickly tried to find Jiraiya, hoping that the toad hermit had a plan in case something like this happened.

That Jiraiya was nowhere to be found was not that surprising. His teacher often took the easy route of the sink-or-swim school of teaching. That his towels were missing as well was a bit more unnerving, and when he couldn't find his clothes, but could find the suddenly locked back door, he started to panic. Yes, he was a very well trained, combat experienced ninja, with near limitless chakra reserves and the nine tailed demon fox bound inside of him. He knew some very kickass jutsus, had trained katas for weeks on end and had even, once, eaten ramen together with Sakura and lived.

None of that was much help in his current situation. The bracelet could be overpowered, but that would take time, which he had a very little amount to spare. If Jiraiya had been where he was supposed to be, he could have removed it, but Naruto was getting the feeling that Jiraiya most likely was behind his current predicament, so the obvious solution was out the window. The fence was very high, well built and offered no handholds whatsoever; making non chakra assisted climbing impossible. Since he wouldn't use force on civilian women, in a hot spring or otherwise and there was a distinct lack of ramen at the onsen, he realized he would have to rely on his intelligence.

He gave this the consideration it was due, and summed up his conclusions in a short but eloquent sentence.

"I'm dead."

Having made that constructive deduction, his skill at surviving kicked in. Moving faster than he ever had dodging kunai and shuriken, he barely managed to get his body covered in the hot waters before the women got close enough to be distinguished through the steam. He dearly wished for one of those big stones that he had been sure was a prerequisite for any self respecting onsen.

Naruto did what any self respecting male throughout history caught in a situation where his life, or at least his, ahem, reason to live, were in the han- no, at the mercy of a large group of women who very recently had been convinced that the male was an enemy of women everywhere.

He started to pray. Fervently.

Through a fear induced hearing disorder, despite focusing on prayers, Naruto could distinctly hear… females. Oh, yes, definitely females. Females who thought that there were no males within hearing or peeking distance. And Naruto, while experiencing this situation for the first and most likely only time in his life, was certain that being where he weren't believed to be would have repercussions on his life. The soon-to-be painful, shortened and at best quickly ended life. At worst… well, he had once happened upon Anko rather late at night, when she was staggering home after enjoying a bit of liquid comforting. He'd tried to forget as much as he could of what she said, but he kept his hands close to his groin for four months, just in case she decided to make good on her threat and test whether they would grow back or not.

There was splashing. Shouting. Giggling. The water moved violently, and for a few seconds he entertained the desperate hope that they wouldn't notice him.

Of course, after those seconds, a sudden silence descended.

Naruto, his fear of women healthy and strong, was at this point keeping his eyes shut, hoping that reality wouldn't be real if he couldn't see it. And then he heard a voice.

"Oh my, what do we have here?"

"Ufufu, a bit of yellow seaweed perhaps?"

"A very brave piece of seaweed, to be floating around on the day we've rented a whole onsen just for us working girls."

"Do you think it's edible?"

"Don't know, maybe we should try…"

_**Back at the Hokage's office**_

_**

* * *

  
**_

"I was lucky, I kept my eyes shut no matter what they said, and after we started talking, they understood that it wasn't on purpose. I still had to make it up to them though. It took forever; they all wanted me to do them. Thankfully they had scented oil for it, or I'd have chafed myself badly.

Akane, Kakashi and Tsunade stared at him, and then, as if it had been rehearsed, switched their gazes to Jiraiya.

"Now come on, that's just coincidence."

"Indeed?" Akane asked, reading a bit more. "Naruto, did you ever visit any strip clubs, after closing perhaps?"

"More times than I care to remember, I usually had to drag Jiraiya back to camp after a full night of his "research". Normally he would have racked up quite a tab, on top of spending what I hadn't hidden for food money." He made a face. "Sometimes I could talk them out of the tab, or at least cut it down so I could pay them later. Usually though, I'd have to do it the hard way. I don't blame them, having to do something like that to survive, but entertaining a whole strip club's worth of girls takes it out of ya. Not to mention that they had some pretty weird stuff for me to do. Of course, kage bunshin helps, but I'd still get the fatigue and, of course, the memories. I'd usually take a bath after lugging his perverted ass back to camp."

At this point, Akane and Tsunade exchanged a glance, while Kakashi stood shell shocked, a look of horror on his face. Why he was horrified, well, who wants to know, really? As for Jiraiya, he'd decided to play the part of the wrongfully accused. Of course, sticking your nose in the air and shutting your eyes with two vengeful females within striking distance is very seldom a smart move.

"Ohh, Ji-ra-i-ya-saaann." Akane purred, deciding to play all of her top cards. "Aren't you clever, and that naughty book of yours, ufufu." While these seductive words dripped like honey from Akane's mouth, she slowly moved within striking distance. Then she lazily stretched out her right hand, circling her prey while letting her fingers brush over Jiraiya's shoulders. "My, strong too, I didn't realize that. A man such as you truly deserves the finest." While Jiraiya had slowly started to grin smugly, Akane reached her intended position, and moved in. Her lips stopped inches from his, but her knee kept going all the way up between his legs.

Jiraiya, a man of true experience, took it like you'd expect any man of his caliber would. He folded up like a beach chair on a bad day, making strangely high pitched noises and holding himself, which was rather like locking the gate after the ninja had already sneaked in.

Naruto and Kakashi both winced, reflexively twisting their knees.

"Sorry Hokage-san, I think I just took away your fun for the afternoon, but I just can't have anyone treating my dear Naruto-kun like that." The older woman merely smirked at the younger woman's comment.

"Not to worry, I know him better than anyone. Observe." She then proceeded to discreetly unhook her bra. "Oh dear, I'm afraid my bra just snapped!"

Jiraiya somehow went from a pathetic puddle of whimpering to a fully charged super pervert in less time than you need to say "idiot".

Naruto said it anyway, just before Tsunade's viscous right hook made a rather forceful impression on Jiraiya's face. Jiraiya then became a close acquaintance of the wall behind him. Once again it was his face that took the lead.

While the famous pervert took a much needed rest from the harshness of life, Akane and Tsunade turned to Naruto, Tsunade deftly putting her clothing in order.

"Naruto, you know, there are some very good therapists here in the village, want me to book you a time with one of them?" Tsunade's concern was evident in her voice.

"Why?" Was Naruto's confused reply. He absentmindedly unzipped the jacket he'd put on before entering the office. The summer heat was oppressive. "I mean, sure, I'd get tired in my hands and forearms, but that's nothing to the training I'd do in the days. Besides, those girls were quite tense. A bit of massage isn't too much of a repayment."

Silence filled the room.

"What, why are you all staring like that?"

"Naruto, could you please describe what you did to repay the strip clubs?" Akane said quietly.

"Well, some cleaning or dish washing, maybe serve them while they relaxed after work, some massaging of course, and sometimes they'd want me to do some shinobi tricks or do a strip show for them, for the fun of it." Naruto grimaced. "Embarrassing if you ask me, but they seemed to like it, so why not." Feeling a bit sweaty, he now removed his jacket and looped it over his right shoulder.

"So, there was never any, you know, sex?"

Naruto stared in horror at Akane. "What! No way! I'm only sixteen you know! I mean, yuck!"

"You are sixteen?" Akane looked surprised at that statement.

"You know, Naruto, you look a lot older than you are now a days." That was Kakashi, deciding to chip in. "Can I have my book back now?"

"Of course, thanks for the loan."

"By the way, Naruto, did you wear that in the lounge?" Tsunade asked, suddenly aware of the state of Naruto's clothes.

"Yeah, sorry oba-chan. I thought I had saved my good T-shirt, but it was all dirty when I was changing this morning."

"Don't worry about it. Just keep your jacket on until you can find something less, uh, less."

"Sure thing, oba-chan."

At this point, the phone on the desk rang. Tsunade picked it up.

"Yes. They're here? Good, send them to room 319 and tell Shizune to stay there until Jiraiya arrives."

Hanging up, Tsunade crossed to where her perverted old friend was glued to the wall. "Listen; there are four young women in room 319. They need your help with something, Shizune will explain. Now get, I'll have your report later."

Naturally, the information that there were women in need sent Jiraiya off without thought of possible consequences. While the pervert left them at speed, Tsunade turned to Naruto.

"I'm needed for another meeting soon, so I'll let you go for now. However, I've gotten you a new place to stay, so after you've had Sabaku-san signed in at her hotel, I want you to head to this address. Here are the keys, and I'll be expecting you back here at seven for dinner. I still have questions for you. Oh, and please get some new clothes. Kakashi, go with them; keep Naruto out of trouble for a day at least. Dismissed."

With that Tsunade went back to her desk, while Naruto led the way out into what was now an early afternoon in Konoha.

A/N: Hmm, not really happy with this. It just kept on going, getting longer and longer. Hopefully I'll get to something a bit more interesting soon.

Any comments or ideas, drop em in a review or something.

Later.


	4. When answers become questions

Disclaimer: Still don't own Naruto, but I do own a keyboard. Ha! Take that!

Some replies to reviews, sorry for the wait.

Fuyuriku: Well, the fluff and such is probably not gonna last for very long. As for harems and lemons, well, I think it's just too much fun making stuff like that a surprise, although I'm hesitating about going past anything lime right now. Fainting from my own writing would be embarrassing.

Elemental Dragon Swordman: Yup, I dropped a tiny hint in chap 2 about that, and while there will be hints here and there, there will also be false leads to keep you sharp. Be warned.

Dmygo: Well, thanks, Glad you like it.

Yugi-no-Yami: Hmm, I think you might wanna drop your next review in spanish so I can get it translated. Couldn't really follow you there.

BAMABOY71: Whoops, a bit too late to reply, but then again, you got what you wanted.

A few comments will be waiting at the bottom. Enjoy.

* * *

**When answers lead to questions.**

The door handle rattled, bringing Osamu out of his shallow trance. They'd been waiting for close to half an hour, the woman Shizune reading some official looking documents and the three ANBU talking softly. When it became apparent that the legendary toad hermit wasn't going to show up soon, he decided to meditate, hoping to control his rattled nerves. He was still a bit nervous, but felt that he could probably face whatever fate held in store for him.

A tall, white haired man entered, an unusual forehead protector marking him as someone of import. He had an oddly leering smile, which disappeared when he noticed Osamu secured to a chair. A look of disappointment barely surfaced before being replaced by a thoughtful frown.

"Tsunade said you needed me for something, Shizune?"

"Yes, Jiraiya-sama, this shinobi has some kind of seal on the inside of his lower lip. It is stopping him from divulging information that the Hokage needs."

"Why is he so important?" Jiraiya said, moving in front of Osamu.

"He was caught just outside Naruto's apartment, and the seal is, possibly, preventing him from revealing his purpose there. Tsunade felt it prudent not to attempt a potentially lethal interrogation, as the nature of his mission may force a reaction towards his village."

"Alright, let's see then. Open up!" The last part was directed at Osamu, who complied. Jiraiya grabbed his lip and pulled it downwards, exposing a small black circle. Jiraiya studied the seal for a few seconds. "Bah, this shoddy work hardly demands my talent. I haven't seen such a poor excuse of a seal on anything but a training animal." Two small chakra flames enveloped the thumb and index finger on his right hand. Placing his thumb on the seal and the index finger on the outside of the lip, in effect pinching the seal, he held up half a ram seal with his left hand and muttered something under his breath.

Suddenly Osamu felt like his lip had frozen, and then been burned. He controlled himself however; right up until Jiraiya retracted his hand. Then the pain started in earnest. His screams echoed in the sound proofed conference room, as the feeling of someone slowly flaying the inside of his lip slammed into his pain centre. He felt like the pain would never stop, layer after layer of his flesh pulled away almost caressingly. His vision swam, black closing in from the edges.

Then, just on the edge of consciousness, the pain stopped.

Osamu tried to regain control of himself, feeling his heart beating almost too fast to count and his breath coming quickly and shallowly, on the verge of hyperventilation. After a little while he had recovered enough to take notice of his surroundings as well as the fact that he was drenched in sweat.

"Hmm, you survived it seems. Not bad, you have some stamina. Now, that seal was all that held you back from talking right? 'Cause Naruto is my god son, and if you think you've felt pain before, well. I am a seal master. We can repeat that performance as many times as you feel necessary to start talking." The menace wasn't lost on Osamu, and although he had been tortured before, he'd rather avoid having an experience like that for a while. Something like a few dozen life times sounded about right.

"No, please." It was little more than a whisper, but it would have to do.

"I'll inform Tsunade." Shizune started, when the door opened and the Hokage entered.

"Just in time Tsunade, I think you'll get all the information you could possible wish for now." Jiraiya said, hard eyes at odds with his flippant tone of voice.

"Good, then let's begin. Name and rank?"

"Suwa Osamu, Hokage-sama. Chuunin."

"Reason for approaching Uzumaki's apartment?

"Just an information gathering mission, I was to ascertain whether he was in the village or not, avoid all forms of contact and report back if he was there. If not, I was supposed to try again one week later, and then return regardless."

"What was the reason for sending you on this mission?"

"I don't know, although I suspect that it was meant to get me killed."

"Why?"

"Those ANBU." Osamu replied shifting his gaze to the three women huddled a few meters away. "The likelihood of those three patrolling that area on the exact night of my attempt is very low." He looked back at Tsunade. "And there are other reasons as well, if you want to know them."

"Go ahead,"

"Okay." Taking a deep breath, Osamu began his story.

"I am part of a clan known as Suwa. About twenty years ago my clan was on the losing side in a civil war far away from here. The few survivors were all male, mostly shinobi away on missions. I was but a child back then, barely four years old. The surviving elder gathered the pitiful remnants of our clan and set off to try and find a new village to call home. He found the village of Bamboo, and due to the unusual demographics of the village, was quickly granted settlement rights and citizenship."

"Hold on, what special demographics?" That was Shizune asking, face betraying neither her thoughts nor her feelings.

Osamu hesitated, glanced at Jiraiya, and then continued talking. "It's a village that for some reason has a ratio of one male to four females. I do not know what this reason is, but male offspring is very rare. This has a lot of consequences when compared to other villages, one of course being the importance of constantly bringing in outside males to keep the gene-pool healthy and diversified. Thus the survivors were taken in quickly."

"Have you heard of this Jiraiya?"

"Yeah, I even visited once. Those women are crazy though, I barely made it out alive."

"Why am I not surprised? Continue."

"Yes. At first things went well. The men of Suwa acquired children through various bonds, and the clan grew. I myself do not know how relationships are maintained in other villages, but about five years ago I was afforded the honor of being asked for a life bond with my two mates." Osamu smiled sadly. "It was the happiest day of my life. Mitsune and Emiko were true-sisters and very good friends, both beautiful, strong and they complemented each other well. That they thought I was good enough for them to bond with permanently was beyond my wildest dreams." His face darkened.

"However, things didn't last. The elders of Suwa did not look kindly upon the rather special ways that relationships are formed and maintained in Bamboo, nor the fact that almost all power lies in the hands of women. They knew who was loyal within the clan and who was not however, so I never understood what was happening until it was too late. Just over a year ago, the elders of Suwa attempted a coup d'état. They had been allowed to run the training of the young males shortly after I graduated, and had managed to poison the minds of most of their students. They struck when the council was gathered in seclusion and our kage was abroad on a diplomatic visit. It would probably have worked too, if it wasn't for the fact that Mitsune had gotten suspicious. I do not know exactly what she did, but many of the sons that were sent to kill their mothers, were caught instead."

"Unfortunately, Mitsune and Emiko hadn't counted on the elders' zeal. They found out who had somehow foiled their plans, and tried to exact revenge. I had recently escaped imprisonment and was recovering from torture, so Mitsune and Emiko were forced to defend us three by themselves. Only I survived."

A strangled noise from one of them ANBU halted him at this point. He shifted his glance towards the one he thought was named Saki, but when it seemed she didn't wish to say anything, he continued.

"Well, when that bloody night ended, the survivors of the council started to purge all traitors. The fact that I was found behind Mitsune's and Emiko's bodies made them think that I might not be a total loss, so they settled for torturing me. Once they were certain I was innocent, they released me and eventually allowed me to return to active status. However things have changed in Bamboo now, which is probably why my first mission was one that involved much higher risk than the potential reward would warrant."

"The Suwa are now all but extinct, barely a dozen remain, and I am the only adult. The seal I carried was one of the characteristics of my clan, although we've lost much knowledge because of the death of our elders. Its function is to prevent the surrender of sensitive information. Normally I would be carrying a specific scroll to explain my mission in case of capture, to prevent unnecessary torture and execution, but I wasn't given one this time."

"What would happen if the seal activated?"

"I'd die, although I'm uncertain of the exact process."

Tsunade shook her head. "What a barbaric practice. You are lucky to have survived for this long"

"Hokage-sama, I'm sure you have more questions for me, but I am curious what will happen to me now."

"Well, I might have a suggestion concerning that." Tsunade replied, a not too pleasant smile on her lips.

* * *

_**Meanwhile, outside**_

Naruto, Akane and Kakashi were on their way, the plan being to get Akane signed in first, then go shopping before finishing at Naruto's new place. What would happen after that was uncertain, except that they would have to be back at the tower before seven, clean and dressed up.

While they walked, Kakashi took the opportunity to examine his former pupil. That he had changed was obvious, he might be only sixteen, okay soon seventeen, but he doubted anyone who didn't know the jinchuuriki from before his journey could guess his age. He was quite tall, around 175 cm, and his face had matured considerably. The whisker marks were there, of course, thinner, yet deeper. It might be an illusion caused by the marks, but his face seemed a bit narrower and pointed, easily leading the mind of those in the know to compare him with a fox. As for his physique, there was nothing boyish left on his torso, if what he saw when the jacket had come off before was anything to go by.

Yes, the boy had changed in body. Now the question was whether his mind had followed. At least some of his innocence remained, if the earlier stories were true. He thought that seemed plausible. Only Naruto could get away with trying to talk down a tab at the places Jiraiya preferred for his business. Pretty much anyone else would give themselves away by ogling the girls, or get cocky and wake up in an alley without money, pants and dignity. If they woke up at all.

He was also curious about Akane, and what their relationship could be. She certainly seemed to like him; the question was to what degree. She had started to get touchy feely with all those women staring at Naruto, rather like a pack of hyenas would regard a prime piece of raw meat. But once he seemed safe from ravishing, she altered her behavior to something akin to a big sister looking after her little brother. He was certain there was an interesting story behind it.

Of course, the women on Tsunade's small secretarial staff were well known for being some of the wildest party animals in Konoha. They all handled information of S-class level or higher regularly, and so the margin for error on their part was extremely slim. This coupled with the constantly high threat level that they lived with meant that they could go toe-to-toe with some of the ANBU when it came to blowing off steam. In other words, they took whatever stress outlet they got their hands on, reputations be damned.

Kakashi was curious about what the effect of the new, mature Naruto would have on the populace of Konoha. Especially the girls he had managed to form some kind of bond with.

Seeing that Naruto and Akane didn't seem to want a conversation right now, Kakashi took out his gift and started to read. After a few pages, feeling the usual urge to giggle coming over him, he came upon a passage that almost made him stumble. He maintained his cool though, settling for a slight opening of his eye(s). He fished out two standard, ten centimeter long senbons, putting them end to end in front of him, adding a bit in his mind and remembering what Akane had said earlier. "_Well now, that was a bit unexpected."_ He thought, glancing at Naruto thoughtfully. It had become apparent quite quickly just where Jiraiya's inspiration had come from for his new Icha Icha series.

Putting the information into his rather large mental file called "not-my-problem" he realized they had almost reached the inn. The sun was still high in the sky, making the air conditioned interior look rather attractive. Never one to look gift comfort in the proverbial mouth, Kakashi sauntered into the high class hotel in the wake of Naruto and Akane. Standing a few feet behind what could easily be mistaken for a couple, using a pillar for back support, Kakashi observed how the staff reacted.

The two female receptionists didn't seem to be able to piece together Naruto's appearance at first, opting instead to make an afternoon snack of the eye candy that had just walked in. Meanwhile the male manager looked, in turn, professionally accommodating, slightly puzzled, bug eyed shocked and then resentfully angry. After a few minutes of conversation, one of the receptionists seemed to realize that there was something about the blonde man she should recognize. However, Naruto and Akane left the counter before she had any chance at getting past the puzzled stage, leaving Kakashi with little in the way of proof on how Naruto's growing up might alter his position in the village.

The blonde of the day let the nuances of such things pass him by. Not that he couldn't pick up on the looks he got thrown at him or how they changed in intensity and intention. Several years of hostility and neglect tends to hone a person's sensitivity to such things into something akin of a sixth sense. In Naruto's case he could pretty much feel the exact number of people staring angrily at his back. And thought about him negatively. In the next village.

A silver lining was his ability to "feel" a limited amount of people, their moods, how they felt towards the others in the room and so on. It was almost a jutsu in its own right. Unfortunately this skill did not apply to himself or to when people had a genuine positive attitude towards him.

He didn't want Akane to get caught on the middle however, so he did his best to act as though he was simply carrying out his orders. After all, if Akane didn't seem to know who he was, they could just feel pity for her having to have the infamous demon of Konoha following her around.

"_Gah, gotta stop thinking like this, browbeating only leads to a negative spiral of self doubt and paranoia." _To take his mind off things, he decided to start questioning Kakashi on what's been happening in Konoha since he left. For starters he wanted news on his former team.

"Hmm, well, I have changed in various ways, learned some things, and had some interesting experiences." After that not-very-clarifying-at-all answer, Kakashi proceeded to describe Sakura's progress. Apparently her apprenticeship with Tsunade had been fruitful. Sakura was one of Konoha's best healers and she had also been trained by Tsunade herself for combat. He was still unsure of the details, as Sakura wanted those kept secret until she could compare herself to Naruto. She did warn him to get the hell away from her if she put on her gloves though; he was her old sensei after all.

Naruto expanded his field of interest to his old friends and team mates. He was a bit surprised to realize that everyone else who graduated with him had actually made chuunin, a statistical anomaly to be sure. His friends in Team Gai had also made at least chuunin, while Neji was actually a jounin. He was glad to hear that his old sparring partner Lee had recovered fully from the crippling damage he'd suffered in the match against Gaara. The boy might be a fashion criminal, but he was a determined and loyal friend. Naruto personally wouldn't want him any other way.

"Oh, on the subject of your friends, remember Hinata?" Kakashi asked off handedly.

"Yeah, timid, nice and a bit weird if I remember correctly." Naruto answered equally nonchalantly. Kakashi didn't say anything without at least one underhanded purpose. He just wasn't a very chatty person.

"Hmm, she's changed more than most. I try not to get involved in politics, but I think you should be aware that she'll be taking a seat on the council soon." Kakashi grinned. "Rumor has it that she's been turning the Hyuuga clan upside down while you've been gone. You'll never get the whole truth when it comes to a clan and their business, but the effects have been too great for it not to have been noticed by the rest of the village. I've also heard a rumor that she's been waiting for you to get back, although I haven't heard her say why."

This was in essence true, Hinata hadn't walked up to Kakashi and said "I love Naruto!", but that didn't mean that he and everyone else who had seen those two interact wouldn't understand her feelings for the blonde. One of the reasons that Kakashi was watching over Naruto was actually the fact that Tsunade wasn't certain of how the Hyuuga heiress would react to Naruto's return. Although the risk was slim, Hinata's habit of stalking coupled with her incredible rate of growth had made Tsunade worried that she'd do something that she'd regret with, or possibly to, Naruto, if they met unsupervised.

This was one thing that Kakashi was certain that Naruto wouldn't puzzle out in a million years. He may have been able to surprise the people around him concerning pretty much everything else, but the idea that someone might actually harbor authentic romantic feelings for him never crossed his mind. It was tragic, but Kakashi knew that it wasn't his place to break down that wall.

"Well, I'll have to make certain to look her up later then." Naruto said absent mindedly. "It would be interesting to find out how she convinced the Hyuuga elders to let her take their seat at the council though. I seem to remember her not being all that confident before, and the idea of her bullying one of the elders to relinquish that position seems ludicrous."

Kakashi chuckled. "Well, I wouldn't cast judgment on Hinata's character just yet if I were you Naruto."

Before they got any further in their discussion, they reached the shopping district of Konoha. Akane got something dreamy in her eyes seeing the large number of different stores, and immediately dragged Naruto off to get him a decent wardrobe, as well as clothes for the formal dinner later that evening. Naruto would be acting as her escort, and she wasn't going to let him embarrass himself by wearing anything orange, or shinobi oriented.

Tsunade had slipped her an official note saying that they could put the bills on the Hokage's account, and that made this just too good an opportunity to miss. The fact that Tsunade would be passing those bills on to Jiraiya later was not something that they needed to know.

The following hours were a form of exquisite torture for Naruto. On the one hand, he had never been one to spend a lot of money. He had had a lot of money, true, but never used it. Few in Konoha had even considered giving him fair prices on anything, so he had learned by necessity to be careful when shopping. Suddenly splurging what he could have lived on for months was traumatizing. On the other hand, Akane had an eye for fashion, and had apparently decided that Naruto was the perfect model to test various combinations of clothes on. That someone would take such an interest in him, except as an active duty shinobi and training partner was a welcome novelty.

Due to the somewhat excessive amounts of clothes being bought, not to mention customizations and adjustments, the store clerks were happy to deliver the items to his new address later. The shopping list covered a lot of different seasons and situations, as Naruto hadn't had more than the clothes he wore plus spares sealed inside one of the scrolls he carried in his backpack.

Kakashi spent the time reading and observing. He had come to some interesting conclusions, but he'd need time to bounce them off of a few colleagues before possibly taking action.

When they (Akane that is) felt that the bare essentials were covered they set off for Naruto's new apartment. From the address they could tell that he'd gotten an impressive upgrade, comparing to his old apartment. The district was where the wealthier clans had their compounds. Although it was a bit of a walk, they should get there with time to spare before meeting up with the Hokage.

By now the most oppressive heat of the day had gone, and the streets were seeing some heavy traffic. Kakashi noticed with interest the fact that many villagers didn't recognize Naruto at all, giving him friendly greetings or nods when they noticed his forehead protector. Those that did realize who he was seemed unsure about how to react, often reverting to something less than pleasant, but quite a few seemed, if not friendly, at least guardedly neutral. Tsunade had managed to slip out the rumor of him being trained by Jiraiya a few months back, when it could be assumed to be safe, and that coupled with some of his other actions had possibly started to affect his reputation. After all, if one of the Sannin thought he was worth the effort, he couldn't be a totally lost cause, now could he?

There even seemed to be a few women who did more than just greet him, and although Naruto probably missed the speculative glances sent his way, Kakashi had dealt with enough admirers to understand that there might soon be a new contender for the title "most-hunted-male" in the village.

Akane had also noticed the attention her "Naruto-kun" was getting, and started a conversation with him to keep him from noticing. At first Kakashi didn't really listen, but when Naruto started to talk at the fundamental difference between "good" and "right" he began to pay attention. When he thought about it, Naruto had been using some difficult words lately, the kind with more syllables than "RAMEN" required. Feeling a bit curious, he decided to investigate.

"Naruto, when did you learn to read?"

"Huh? Back when I was seven I think, why?"

"No, I meant, when did you start to study philosophy. I've never seen you read anything more complicated than a manga."

"Well, Ero-sennin tricked me into it. He made me send a kage bunshin to the village library while sparring once. It was supposed to read something about Konoha that I didn't already know and then run back and tell me. Only, before it could tell me, he dispelled it. When he asked me what it had been reading, I realized that it had transferred its memories to me. After that it became routine for me to send a couple of clones to read while I was training. Course, it took a while to get used to the dizziness when they dispelled. But it was worth it."

Kakashi shook his head. Naruto studying books seemed as unlikely as Sasuke learning to paint or Sakura starting to read Icha Icha Paradise. "So what did you study?"

"A bit of everything, although I've been focused on philosophy, economics, history, geography and natural sciences. I've been thinking about starting on psychology and medicine next."

Kakashi chuckled. "Brilliant Naruto, I bet Sakura will be surprised that you're no longer the dunce of Konoha. By the way, shouldn't we be at this place yet?"

"Yeah, this is the street, although I can't see any apartment buildings nearby."

"What, it's on this street?"

"Yeah, see here is the address."

"Oh. Well, in that case we'll have to go the other way."

"Why? I haven't seen any condos or anything like that in that direction."

"No, but the outer gate is over there, we'll need to go through that to get to your new house."

"What new house? Wasn't these keys to my new apartment."

"No, I definitely think it's a house. See, my old sensei used to live there."

"What, you mean." Naruto paused for a brief second. "No way. Oba-chan wouldn't do that, would she?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I guess she would. That is the address to the Yondaime Hokage's house, and you have the keys. Let's go check out your new home, shall we?"

* * *

_**Some time later**_

Naruto was sitting down in the main building's living room. His mind was spinning. The keys he'd gotten had fit easily in the newly installed locks, first giving them access to a huge outdoors compound and then to the large mansion. A note had been waiting for them inside, informing him that the west wing had been prepared for his moving in. That meant that the master bed room, two guest rooms, the kitchen, a dining room, a living room, one large bathroom and two smaller toilets, as well as three closets were ready and waiting to be used by their new owner. Tsunade hadn't commented on the details in her letter, merely informing him that the grounds contained a large training area, three outlying buildings as well as a small but functioning onsen. It also stated that by accepting the keys he had assumed ownership of the grounds. He would therefore be responsible for setting up security for his new property, although there was some of that in place already.

The fact that he suddenly owned what amounted to the compound of a small clan left him dazzled. He just didn't understand why he was sitting in a sparsely but functionally furnished room in what Kakashi assured him was the old living quarters of the village's greatest hero. He had so many questions that he didn't know where to begin.

Naruto heard footsteps coming down the stairs, and looked over his shoulder, thankful for the distraction.

Coming down the stairs was a vision of beauty, and Naruto found his breathing becoming erratic. Akane had spent some money on dresses for herself as well, and was wearing her current favorite, a bright green, short dress, with a halter neck, enticing cleavage and a slit that seemed to go way too high up her leg. Her hair was done up with what he suspected was wire and senbon needles, and she had also gained some height from her high heels. A golden necklace, with a locket nestled in the cleavage he was trying not to look too closely at, matched with her ear rings. It all came together nicely, her tanned skin making the various colors stand out and complement each other.

Naruto swallowed, feeling distinctly uncomfortable with the thought of being her escort for the evening. He'd read a book on etiquette once, after Jiraiya made some remarks concerning his table manners, and now he was worried of making a fool of himself, which was strange. He'd never lacked self-confidence before, quite happily breaking all sorts of unwritten social rules, such as referring to the former Hokage as oji-chan or some such.

However, he'd learned quite a few things the last three years, like how important (albeit boring) diplomacy could be. "_If I mess up tonight, Akane-chan will be embarrassed, and Gaara will have to do something about it since she's his cousin and an official messenger. Not to mention how I'll get slaughtered by the girls if they find out." _He gave her a good, evaluating stare. "_Not to mention that I'll be ruining the evening for a very pretty girl, hey wait a minute where did that come from?"_

"Naruto, it isn't polite to stare." Akane said, pouting slightly and returning the scrutiny.

He was decked out in civilian clothes, which seemed dangerously unpractical in the event of an assault. The black pants did have a few concealed pockets, now holding a few odds and ends, but the dark red shirt with the black sparkling spirals didn't give him much to work with. He'd settled for hiding two short senbons in the collar and hanging a sheathed blade in a string round his neck. He'd also strapped a throwing knife around one leg and put a file in his left shoe. His forehead protector was tied to his left arm, letting his hair take its usual not-styled-at-all shape.

He'd have some kage bunshins go over his wardrobe tomorrow, adapting the clothes further to suit his needs, but they had spent a lot of time inspecting the house and organizing the clothes arriving from their earlier shopping spree. By the time he remembered the dinner "invitation", he and Akane had been rushed to get ready in time.

"Sorry Akane-chan, it's just that you look so good. Kind of lost focus there for a bit. '_Shesh, I can't believe she's willing to put up with me as a date, it's gonna look like beauty and the beast.' _Umm, you sure you don't want Kakashi-sensei to take you instead?"

"Why on earth would I want that, Naruto-kun? If I can walk around with the cutest piece of ass in Konoha, I'm certainly not going to trade down to Mister Cyclops." She walked up to him, adjusted his collar, and slipped her arm around his. "There, do you have everything? Good, let's go."

* * *

A/N: Well, there you go. I've been racking my brains over the interrogation part, but I can't really make Osamu's story flow like I want. Tried to keep the sappy parts to a minimum. I would like to remind anyone feeling that there is much oocness, that I'm not just copy-pasting the characters you meet in the manga/anime, but also trying to make them 3D. Like, well, real people I suppose. An interesting psychological experiment if nothing else.

Now, seals. I definietly think they are removable, just not easily so. Nuff said, it's late enough to be early.

Hmm, other things worth mentioning... Naruto's brains perhaps? Yeah, he has them. I just can't bear the idea of someone even being considered taking a position as Hokage, without at least a modicum of education. Now, just because Naruto has read a lot of books, doesn't make him an expert. Most of what he has is theory. Also notice that he had maybe three kage bunshin at most active with that learning. Just imagine getting four ten or twelve hour days worth of reading crammed into your head in one evening, and you get my reluctance to letting him memorize a whole library in a month.

Akane is of course an OC, and if you think she's some kind of Mary Sue, well, let's just say that I hate characters without problems. And although I won't do anything but drop hints as to what possible pairing(S?) Naruto might end up with, I'm pretty sure it won't be her. The why should get out in another chapter or two.

Although I'm not promising anything. Also, be attentive to the way I word things. I just can't help myself trying to take the reader for a spin. Course, chapter three was a bit obvious. But what the hey

Lastly, if you find inconsistencies please tell me. I'm doing my best to not have them wear two clocks at the same time, but if they could miss that in Independence Day, give me a chance ok?

Till next update (whenever that will be).


	5. I hate mornings

disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

A few more reviews have dropped in, which is nice.

nobother, Dmygo and So you want to be an Author: Thank you, hearing someone thinks it's worth reading this makes it easier to write more.

Elemental Dragon Swordman: No, not yet at least, she might be soon though.

There may be comments, and possibly cookies at the bottom.

* * *

**I hate mornings**

"_Where am I? It's so warm here. And dark, I can see the darkness? What's happening?"_ Naruto tossed his head, a faint grimace on his face. "_This is… wrong. I know it is. I can't speak. What's, no, wait. Control. Need control. Eyes. Someone is watching me, or is there more than one?" _Now he was muttering, his limbs shaking. "_They're coming for me, I need to get away! I, I, I can't run. Eyes, cold eyes. Get away from me! I don't want to-"_

Suddenly, Naruto is dragged away from sleep and sits up. His sweat is soaking the sheets, and he's panting like he's just run five miles uphill, carrying Jiraiya. Then he looks around.

Sitting next to him in bed is Akane, a concerned look on her face and her right hand outstretched, like she was about to reach out to him.

Then he feels how his left cheek is stinging. Apparently, he was just helped out of his nightmare. He takes few breaths to calm down. Then he jams his eyes shut, as his first ever full-blown hangover notices that he's awake to appreciate its presence.

"Ohh, my head. Akane-chan, couldn't you wake me up a bit more gently?" He says, wondering if someone would be nice enough to turn off the sun for him, or at least chop his head off.

"I tried, nothing worked, not even offering free ramen."

"Oh, guess I was being a bit difficult then. Would you mind not breathing so loudly?"

"Aww, is the little boy hurting from all the adult activity last night?"

"I'm blaming you and oba-chan for getting a minor drunk, and wipe that smirk off your face, it's annoying." He looked at her more closely. "In fact, why don't you go and put some clothes on, people would get ideas finding you in my bed dressed like that."

"Ufufu, getting embarrassed are we? I can't understand why, I have everything covered."

"It's bloody see-through, most of it. That's not covering it up, that's advertising." Naruto groans. "I need coffee. What the hell happened yesterday anyway? I don't remember much after we went to Tsunade's house."

When silence was all that greeted his question, Naruto for once in his life had a gut reaction which had nothing to do with Ichiraku's. It was the kind of silence that screamed all sorts of things, which carried with it the threat of Embarrassment, the realization that a lot of people will never, ever look at you the same way again. There might even be a need for begging for forgiveness in a little while, although he hoped it wouldn't be that bad on his first real night out.

"You don't remember?" It wasn't the question, but the tone of voice. Disbelief mired in amusement, with just a hint of gloating. Naruto realized that whatever it was that he couldn't remember, it was something spectacular. With the air of a guilty man refusing to break down in front of the judge, he looked over at her again.

"Not really, although I think there was some rice involved at one point." At that, Akane giggled.

"Yeah, you were hungry and made a little snack before crawling to bed. Too bad you wouldn't let any of the girls go home with you, I'm sure they would have loved seeing you cooking half-naked."

"Uhh, one thing at a time, tell me about being half-naked after explaining the girls please."

"Well, I suppose I'd better just tell you the full story then, but let's get you some water and coffee before that. Be glad you could keep the food though, you'd be a lot worse without it."

"Worse? It can get worse? Oh, that's it, I'm never getting drunk again!"

"Famous last words hero-boy, now let's go to the kitchen."

* * *

_**The mansion's kitchen, a few minutes later**_

"Ohh, thank the gods for coffee. I just might live through this day after all." Naruto looked over at Akane, who has put on a robe. "Look, I know you get a kick out of teasing me and all that, but seeing as how I was at your trial, do you think you could tone it down? It doesn't seem fair that you can get me all hot and bothered without being able to do anything to you in return."

"Hmm, let me think. Tough one, buuuuut. No, sorry, but you need training in more than just jutsus." Akane made a face, albeit quite a cute one. "As much as I hate to admit it, Jiraiya is right when he says you need to get some real-life experience. I have absolutely no intention of losing you to the first well trained little kunoichi to get her hands on you."

"You think I'd let anyone kill me just like that?" Naruto looked slightly annoyed at the inferred insult.

"Yup, you're way to trusting, not to mention that any determined girl could bed you as you are right now."

"Oh, come on. I know you like to tease about that but honestly; there isn't a girl in the village that'd get within arm's reach of me if she could avoid it."

Akane's eyebrows shot up at Naruto's statement. "Wow, you really are dense, you know that? And don't give me that look, I don't really feel any need to give you compliments just to make you feel good about yourself."

"Hmf, right."

"Okay, mister ugly, if I'm really lying and nobody wants to touch you, how the hell did you manage to land seven dates in one evening, drunk as a skunk no less."

Naruto suddenly went rigid, his whole body doing a good if unintentional imitation of a statue. "S-s-say what? Seven d-d-d-d-"

"Yeah, seven dates. Seven, as in one more than six and one less than eight!"

"Oh crap. How the hell did that happen?"

"I don't know, but you had better get it together, 'cause the first one is tonight!"

Naruto gave this all due consideration. His conclusion was summed up in a short but heartfelt sentence. "I'm dead."

Akane started giggling. "Oh, I don't know about that, at least a part of you was very much alive when I woke you up."

"Oh, very funny, pervert. And just how am I supposed to react to a sexy body like yours, huh?"

"Well, I hope for the sake of those girls that there will be some ravishing involved, although that might happen no matter what _you_ do. I saw the look on the Hyuuga girl's face when she saw you the first time yesterday."

"Hinata-chan? That shy, weird one? She remembers me? Ahh, whatever. So who am I pleasing tonight then? And no, I was not implying anything beyond some flowers and a nice dinner. Pervert."

Akane's leer drop slightly, disappointed at missing a lay-up like that. "Ok, playboy-san, first of is this girl named Tenten. Remember her?"

"Yeah, sorta, although we didn't really hang out that much, she was a year or two ahead of me I think."

"Uhuh, that might be right, she asked you for a date so you could get reacquainted."

"Whoa, slow down. _She_ asked _me_? You sure you're not just making this up?"

"Arrgh, this is why I've been telling you to bed a couple of your fan girls. You need to get over yourself. Fact is most of them are just curious about how you are in bed and want an interesting experience. It's no wonder you're still a virgin if you're gonna be that serious about it. It's not that sex isn't special, it's just not _that _special with everyone. As a matter of fact, you've accepted going on seven dates with seven different women! I thought that old man Hyuuga was gonna pop a vein when his daughter asked you!"

"Hinata? Hinata asked me out on a date? Oh shit, I _am_ going to die. If Hiashi doesn't do it, Neji will." Naruto took a deep, steadying breath, steeled himself, gave Akane a look of resignation and asked: "So, who else, and when?"

Akane took out a small black notebook, flipped a few pages and started reading aloud. "Hmm, Tenten tonight, a blonde named Ino tomorrow, some freaky woman named Anko on Monday, Hinata Tuesday, a totally hot red eyed woman named Kurenai on Wednesday, and if you don't want her I'll be happy to play rebound." She paused, gave him a look and a smirk before continuing." Then there's your old team mate Sakura on Thursday, and to finish you've got Temari on Friday. Don't ask me how the hell you got old Queen-Bitch of the icy glare herself interested in you, but I guess she didn't want her brothers to interfere."

"This is insane. How the hell am I gonna get seven dates planned out in less than half a day?" Naruto slammed his head on the kitchen table, regretting it as soon as his headache reminded him that he wasn't over his relationship with his hangover just yet. "Besides that, Anko is a maniac, not even Jiraiya has a mind as twisted as her, Sakura probably wants to give me all the beatings I've missed the last three years and Temari is just plain scary." He looked up. "You will go to my funeral right?"

"Oh, suck it up you big baby. Most guys would kill to be in your shoes. Every last one of these girls are totally hot in their own way, so no more whining. And considering that I was thoughtful enough to write down all your dates, which is your job by the way, you should have figured out that I'll help you with this. First off, although you will be paying, they will decide on what you'll be doing and where." She smiled smugly. "You can thank me for that little piece of genius, seeing as how they kinda all jumped in once Tenten popped the question."

"Yeah, yeah, great. I'm at the mercy of a total of eight active or retired kunoichi. And here I thought Akatsuki and Sasuke were gonna be a problem. Not to mention that oba-chan and Shizune will probably want in on the action somehow." He suddenly looked horrified. "By the way, do you know if Jiraiya is still in Konoha? I really don't want a sequel to his "Apprentice of Love" idiocy!"

"Umm, I think he's busy somewhere making a trilogy based on your training trip, so you should be alright. Although he'll want some kind of payback for not being told." Akane smiled and looked at the clock. "As for you being half naked, well, you decided that you were hungry halfway into your nighttime onsen water walking exercise, so when you got your pants wet, well, just be glad there's a wall around this place."

"Was it just you and me? And was I wearing underwear?"

"Well, Anko and Kurenai were here too, and they didn't ask you for a date until after you took your pants off. And, yes, you had underwear. Wet, white underwear. I surprised they didn't sneak into your room after seeing that, but I guess they weren't in the mood to share you."

"If Sakura hears about that, I 'm dead."

"Well, dead or not, let's go take a bath, you're meeting Tsunade for lunch soon."

"Do you think you could let me wash my own back this time?"

"Why?"

"….Never mind. Let's go."

* * *

_**Meanwhile, in Tsunade's office**_

"-and while I'm not expecting miracles, I would be happy if you at least refrained from killing him. He's been at a three year sabbatical from normal (Here Tsunade mentally added "sort of") women and I don't want him to start chasing boys because you decided he was acting out of line. Now, any questions?"

Sakura raises an arm. "Um, are you sure he's not using a genjutsu?"

"Yes, Sakura, I'm sure. I don't know how, but it seems he's aged a lot faster than expected. Remember that he is still sixteen on the inside, and since you've all read some of the copies I had made of Jiraiya's new book, I think you'll agree that only a complete innocent could have done what he did and survived. Anyone else"

Temari was next. "What if we decide we want this to continue?"

Tsunade gave her a sharp look. "We'll decide that later, right now I want him to gain some resistance to women such as you, he'll need it later."

"Do you really think it's fair to give all of us this mission? One week full of dates seem a bit much." This was Kurenai, not bothering to raise her hand.

"I only gave you the mission, the rest of you acted on your own initiative, and no, I do not want you to cancel your date. It won't hurt him."

While the group of kunoichi processed that information, Shizune was thinking about how Naruto would react to the events last night. "_Poor Naruto, I hope Akane-san takes good care of him, he'll need all the help he can get." _Then she considered the looks on some of the girls' faces. "_I better get him some protection, I've never seen Hinata or Temari that excited before. And Anko is always thinking about perverted things. Not that that is always a bad thing."_

"Alright, if there are no more questions, I want you to sit down together and plan the dates you're going on. Remember that Naruto won't be happy unless you are, so make sure to plan accordingly. Now get."

* * *

_**Around lunchtime, the Hokage's audience chamber**_

"So, did you enjoy yourself yesterday?"

Naruto thought he had prepared himself for the Questioning. He was certain that his usually happy-go-lucky, power-first-think-last, never-say-die way of life and fighting would carry him through the embarrassment of having to eat lunch with his oba-chan after getting drop dead drunk at her house. Seeing as how he managed to snap both chopsticks and send a spray of water to his left (just a wall there, thank the gods), that assessment just may have been a tad too optimistic.

Gathering whatever cool he still possessed (no, there wasn't really any left) he coughed in what he hoped was a manly way, instead of the oh-crap-I'm-gonna-die manner that he felt it sounded like.

"Ahem, yes oba-chan. It was loads of fun, how about you?" He finally replied praying for a miracle, like a sudden attack by Akatsuki. Needless to say, the evil organization was evil enough not to appear when he needed them. Bastards.

"Oh, it was a blast. Some of those old farts can be quite entertaining if you pour enough sake down their throats. By the way, did you meet Hyuuga Hiashi?"

SNAP! "_Another pair of chop sticks gone to waste._" Damn it, why did she have to drag it out. Naruto raged inwardly at the injustice of his life. The only women willing to spend time with him apparently only did it to torture him. It wasn't fair.

"Umm, no I'm afraid I didn't get the chance."

"Oh, that's a shame, did you meet his daughter, Hinata? She's really blossomed the last year or so, wouldn't you agree?"

CRACK! Oh great, now he had a lap full of miso soup. Calm down, think positive thoughts. How could this be worse?

Well, Akane could be there, she'd probably offered to wipe up the spill. Enthusiastically. With her tongue.

"Oh Naruto, do be careful. I know you like to show off your strength, but you don't need to impress me."

"Me, show off? I haven't done that in years!"

"Hmm? You did yesterday evening, or did you forget? Those girls were very appreciative."

CRASH! And there went the water glass. Naruto briefly considered asking for plastic utensils, but decided against it.

"What did I do?" It would seem that his debut in the world of adulthood wasn't going to be as smooth as he'd thought.

"Oh, only completely demolish training ground nine. And a pottery located next to it. And I expect the glass blowers guild will want to meet me later."

"You set this up, didn't you." His voice was resigned. He knew she'd already won. She knew what he'd done the night before, he didn't. Even the legendary sucker couldn't lose with that kind of information. It was just like him playing with his cards face up and her knowing the next ten cards in the deck.

"Actually, no. I had a couple of contingency plans, just in case, but you were so smooth that I didn't need them."

Naruto groaned, and then put his elbows on the table and his face in his hands. Whatever god was keeping an eye on him, he wanted to meet him or her some day. Holding a sledge. He still had a headache, making him feel like his morning was just dragging on and on. Strangely enough it wasn't that many years ago that he'd been jumping out of bed, every morning, happy to face a new day. "_Stupid chibi me._"

"So, um, about yesterday-"He stopped, thought for a second, then continued. "Why am I trying to tell you something you already know?"

"Dunno, a lingering effect of your hangover?" Tsunade smiled at him. "I know I'm not your real mother, Naruto, but I'm pretty close, and a mother always knows more about their children than the children would like. It's just the way it is." The moment of honesty recognized for what it was, they both blushed beautifully and suddenly became very fascinated with the floor. After a few seconds they had both decided that what Tsunade had said actually hadn't been _said_, as such, and that they could return to their usual bantering.

"So, did you have all the girls here for a big group meeting or what?" Naruto said jokingly.

SNAP! The chop sticks in Tsunade's hands didn't just snap in two, they turned into several tooth pick sized slivers of wood. Ignoring Naruto's face, which was kind of a shame, as Naruto doing a koi fish impression isn't something you see every day, Tsunade calmly picked up a new pair. "Sorry, I think I didn't hear that correctly, would you please repeat that?"

"_Not for all the ramen in Konoha!" _Was exactly what Naruto didn't say. He had learnt, slowly and painfully, that his first, second and often even third thought up replies were bad ideas. That was one.

"_No thanks, I'm sure you're not old enough to be losing your hearing." _Yup, that was also suicidal.

"_I want to marry Kakashi!" _What the hell? Bad thought! Go away!

"_Can you give me some tips for how I should behave tonight? Please, oba-chan?" _Yeah, that should work.

"Can you give me some tips for how I should behave tonight? Please, oba-chan?" Naruto, while correct in theory, had missed out on the one thing most mothers wanted more than hitting fathers with a frying pan.

"Oh, you want to hear my three hour lesson on sex, fertility and pregnancy, with graphic pictures? Of course! Here, you can look through this book on various sexual positions while I pull down the blinds."

* * *

_**T-minus two hours to Hour D(ate), Naruto's new home**_

Akane had been relaxing for an hour or so, having spent the day recuperating in the onsen and checking out the local café and restaurant scene. Reading the latest "Kunoichi Weekly", she almost missed the faint sounds coming from the big double doors of the mansion. Curious, she got up, folding the magazine and putting a kunai inside, just in case. She was a bit surprised when she opened the door and found Naruto lying in a heap on the doorstep.

"Naruto! What's happened to you?" At her question, Naruto visibly shuddered and muttered something about trimester and water. She carried him into the living room, dropped him in a sofa and went and to mix a little energizing drink she'd learned working at a casino in Iwa.

"Here Naruto, drink it all, good boy. Now I'll just take off your shoes, there we go and now you can-" Naruto, who had been shifting from ashen faced to a light blush to something almost purple, started running up the walls and ceiling. "-do what you're doing now." Akane had to admit to being a bit impressed, he wasn't screaming one bit. He _was_ sweating up a storm though.

After a few minutes he had calmed down enough to sit on a sofa. He was still shaking and twitching a bit though.

"So, are you going to tell me what happened?" Akane said, concern evident in both her voice and face.

"T-t-tsu-tsunade-. Ehm, oba-chan, she, ugh." He paled a bit, then visibly controlled himself. "She gave me the birds and the bees talk."

"Oh, didn't you know about that?"

"Akane-chan, she's Konoha's best medic! I'm talking a three hour lecture, with slides, bananas, condoms and a run through off basic positions and beginners' mistakes! And a film of a woman giving birth!" He choked a bit, feeling sick at the memory. Then he burped and continued talking." I don't know what she's expecting from me, and right now I don't care!"

Akane gave her unofficial brother a concerned look. "Naruto. Please calm down. You're meeting Tenten in less than two hours, and I'm not going to let you do a runner on her!" Akane paused, considered what Naruto had said, then continued. "Look, Tsunade-sama just cares about you. I understand that it's a lot to take in right now, but I'm sure she's not expecting you to impregnate your childhood friends."

Naruto sighed. "Yeah, I guess that it does sound silly. It's just that things have been happening so fast since getting back. I'll be okay."

"You'd better be. Tenten wants you ready to go in less than two hours, and you look like hell. So, we'll need to be methodical about this, okay?"

"Um, sure. Where are we meeting up?"

"She'll be coming here. I'll be heading out before hand. I've, ahem, someone I'm going to meet. And then I'll be staying at the hotel. Just in case." At that, she winked. "Now, get out of those clothes and into the bath so I can give you a good scrubbing. No whining."

Naruto grumbled, but did as he was told. Akane had so far never tried to convince him by getting violent, and he'd like to keep it that way.

* * *

_**Hour D(ate), Naruto's place.**_

Naruto pulled at the collar for the third time in fifteen minutes. He didn't know why, but it felt really tight right now. Strange that, it had fit perfectly at the store. Akane had headed out a few minutes earlier, a barely legal turquoise dress giving him the feeling that it was a good thing she wasn't going to be around when Tenten arrived. The idea of explaining that they often took baths together sounded like a surefire way of crashing the date before it had even taken off.

He swirled the water in his glass around, ice cubes tinkling gently. Why was it so hard to sit still? He was pretty sure he was ready, he was dressed to kill. At least Akane said so. He had some red in his hair now, just a light toning really. It had been a while since Akane decided to freshen up on her hair designer skills. He also wore a dark green shirt, with a light green butterfly shape over his heart. Apparently that meant it was a popular brand. Naturally he hadn't had time to fix his clothes the way he wanted, so he'd stuck a senbon needle behind his forehead protector, and tied it to his left arm. He was also wearing jeans, and although he couldn't deny that he kind of liked them, they were not his first choice for hiding weapons in. A spool of wire inside the belt buckle and a throwing knife strapped to each leg and that was it.

He was pretty certain that Tenten could borrow him some kunai if they needed them. She was one of the best in the village when it came to throwing ridiculous amounts of weapons around after all. Naruto stared at the glass in his hand. "_Clothes, check, flowers, check, rare weapon for gift, check, wallet with money, check and um, 'protection', check." _He frowned. That should be all he needed, and the thing that Shizune had forced him to accept was stashed in his wallet, just in case. He was pretty sure it wasn't going to be needed though.

There was a knock on the door. Checking himself one last time in a mirror, he picked up the flowers and went to open it. Just before turning the handle, he pulled at the collar again, straightened up and then pushed down.

And then he froze.

Outside stood Tenten, but it wasn't the young weapon mistress he'd fought alongside before his leaving Konoha. She had grown quite a bit, and he absently remembered she was a bit older than him, having turned eighteen just a few months earlier. She was also dressed quite differently from what he was used to. At the party the day before, she had come in the clothes she'd usually wear while on a mission, as she and the rest of team Guy had just returned from one.

Now she was dressed in a black dress that seemed to have grown onto her. It was covered in various designs made out of something that was at once black and glittery. Its hem was uneven, one side going down a lot further than the other. The dress only covered one shoulder, her left, and she'd let her hair down. Of course her shoes were black, and her Hitai-ite was wrapped around her well toned and tanned left thigh. A light make up and a silver worked necklace rounded out her style nicely. And sent Naruto on a short trip to la-la land, as he tried to rapidly adapt to the idea of Tenten looking as good as she did.

Thankfully, she didn't seem to mind his scrutiny. Smiling sweetly, she took the time to give him a once over, not at all bothered by the way his shirt showed off that well developed torso of his. "Good evening Naruto. Are you well?"

"Good evening, Tenten. Wow, you look awesome. Um, come in." He said, proud that he hadn't started stuttering.

"Thank you, Naruto, you look good too." She replied, stepping inside.

"Thanks, um, these are for you." With that, he handed over the flowers he was holding. Thankfully Ino had a good idea about most girls' favorite flower. Naruto wasn't sure about the name, but it looked nice.

"Oh, my favorites, thanks Naruto." Her smile had widened, which Naruto decided was a good thing.

"Please come in and have a seat." He said leading the way into the living room. "Would you like something to drink?"

"Sure, why not. You know how to mix drinks?" She answered, sitting down on a couch.

"A bit. How does a Mai Tai sound?" He'd learnt a lot of different things at those strip clubs, but he sure as hell weren't going to tell anyone in Konoha were he'd been practicing his bartending skills.

"Dunno, is it good? I don't know a lot about drinks."

"Hmm, maybe something a bit easier then." He walked over to the bar cabinet standing to the side. "What are your favorite fruits?"

"Any really, although maybe something with oranges would be nice?"

"No problem, so, what have you got planned for us tonight, or is that a secret?" While asking, he started working on the drinks, crushing some ice for starters.

"Well, I was thinking dinner and a walk around Konoha, maybe take a drink too. I figured you wouldn't mind visiting some of your old stomping grounds since you just got back."

"Sounds good, I noticed they've carved out oba-chan's face on the mountain, kinda got me wanting to do another redecorating."

Tenten stared at him. "Are you referring to Tsunade-sama as oba-chan? Isn't that kind of suicidal?"

"Na, Tsunade knows me well enough to know I don't mean anything bad about it. She almost never breaks any of my bones when I call her that, and she only bothers hitting me if there are other people that can hear me nearby."

"How did you get to know her that well?"

"I brought her back to Konoha to be Hokage. And it wasn't easy, she can be stubborn as a mule. And of course Ero-sennin wasn't much help. Damn pervert."

"Ero-who?"

"Ero-sennin, the super pervert. You know, Jiraiya."

"Oh, was he the one that wrote that book about your training trip?"

Naruto made a sour face. "Yeah, trust old super pervert to earn money of me trying to stay alive. I think he's already left Konoha, but be sure to bring a weapon if you go to an onsen when he's around."

Tenten could feel a blush coming on. The young man in 'The Apprentice of Love' had a lot of similarities with Naruto, and now she couldn't help wondering if _all _the details were correct. Maybe later she could find out.

"Oh, and speaking of weapons, I have something for you. Let me give you this drink and then I'll go get it." Saying that, he finished mixing the drinks and walked over with them.

"Oh, so what's this? It looks really nice."

"It is, kampai!"

"Kampai!" They both tried the yellow, orange and red drink.

"Mmmm, that _is _really good. What's it's name?

"Ehe, now don't get upset, cause I didn't name it, okay? It's called sex on the beach."

"Say what?"

"Sex on the beach, yeah I know, its name is kinda corny, but I think it's pretty good on a hot summer's day."

Tenten looked at him, unsure of how to react. He scratched the back of his head, looking bashful. The he seemed to remember something.

"Oh yeah, the gift. Just a second." With that he disappeared through a door, returning in moments, carrying a wrapped up box. "Here, I suppose you might have one or two already, but it was the best I could do on the trip. We didn't spend a lot of time shopping after all."

"I'm sure it'll be fine, thank you. I wasn't expecting to get a gift from you." She accepted the package and opened it after giving him a questioning look. Inside was what looked like a long, thin knife, only it had two prongs, one on each side of the blade. "Oh, a sai! I haven't actually got one of these."

"Oh, good. I'd have liked to get you two, but the merchant only had one."

"That's okay, this will be a great addition to my collection." Tenten was pleased, it wasn't very often that someone would get her a gift this well thought out. She got up and hugged him. "Thanks a lot Naruto. That was very sweet of you."

Naruto blushed of course. "Hehe, no problem. Anything for a friend, you know."

They then sat down to their drinks, talking a bit about what had been happening since he had left. Naruto was glad that it was Tsunade that had ordered the place put into working condition for him. He wasn't sure how he'd gotten the bar cabinet in working order otherwise.

After a while Tenten finished her drink and stood up. "Well, this is nice Naruto, but we need to leave if we are to get to the restaurant on time."

"Sure, I'm ready whenever you are." He replied, finishing his drink and standing up.

"Then let's go."

* * *

A/N (also known as rambling): Well, I hope this isn't too messy. For all of you wanting blood, well, Naruto is only booked in the evenings (and nights?). So I should be able to get some action into the following chapters. Parts I like, parts I don't, the girl's meeting could have been done better, or maybe not at all.

I want to make it clear, that I believe that good sex ed is vital to not suck completely the first few times. Porno movies are not a good substitute as it's done by paid professionals that are acting, I.E. not being honest with their feelings and so on.

About the drinks and the cabinet. Yes, I know that there aren't many references to this in Naruto, but that's fine in my book, because they aren't not there either. I just don't want to spend time reading up on saké and how it's served, as I will probably get it wrong anyway.

What else, umm, dunno. I like the sai maybe? It's not very common in Naruto (anyone seen one?) as it is a mostly defensive weapon/tool.

Ahh, my head hurts, see ya'll in the next update. (When that will be.)


	6. Bloody bells

Disclaimer: I am too poor to own Naruto.

There have yet again been reviews, which brighten a gloomy day.

Elemental Dragon Swordman: Who said that Naruto gets to choose?

So you want to be an Author: That's why I'm glad my mother works with flowers.

Demonkid: Thanks for that, I hope this chapter won't disappoint.

There may be some comments at the bottom. Or not.

* * *

**Bloody bells**

There was a noise, echoing down the hall of Naruto's house, as someone messed around with the lock. Then there was a clicking noise as the cylinders did their mechanical duty. As the door swung open, Naruto frowned a bit and mentally noted that he needed to get some oil. It seemed weird that a new lock should be so difficult to open. He held the door open, allowing Tenten to walk in first. She stepped out of her shoes, thankful that she'd been able to resist Ino's suggestion that she wore high heels. They'd spent a good two hours walking around, talking about pretty much everything.

It wasn't all that late yet, and Tenten had been curious about something she'd heard earlier during the day. Considering how gullible Naruto was, she'd decided to use the fact that he had a private onsen as a starting point. She'd simply asked him about his new home, and let him gush about it for a bit. Then, he'd of course happened to mention the onsen, at which point it hadn't been hard to convince him to let her try it out.

She felt good, really good. Naruto had been an exemplary date, attentive and respectful, yet not above having his own ideas or suggestions. He'd listened to what she'd said, keeping his eyes on her, and even asked questions to show he was listening. And when she had asked him about his training trip he'd been modest. Naruto, modest. It had seemed strange at first, but he simply switched the subject over to something else every time she tried to get to know more.

"Sorry Naruto, but what way is the onsen?" She did her best, but there was all manner of undercurrents in her voice. The kind that drag the unsuspecting to a cold, watery grave.

Naturally, Naruto missed those currents by a mile. "Oh, through that door, down the corridor and last door on your left. That's the girls changing room. Can I offer you some refreshments, by the way?" Naruto was enjoying himself. "_Heh, this whole being nice thing is way easier when there aren't a dozen girls at the same time wanting stuff done." _

"Just something cool please, no more alcohol for me tonight." With that, Tenten walked in the direction of the door that Naruto had pointed to earlier.

Naruto went to the kitchen, picked up a can of fruit juice and two wine glasses, before heading off to the onsen as well. He'd sort of gotten addicted to the warm waters, a nice soak seemed to do all sorts of wonderful things to him and the stress he'd been under lately. It wasn't until he passed the door that Tenten walked through a few minutes before, that things started getting weird. Either Tenten had taken his invitation of making herself at home a lot more literally than he had expected, or she had been in a real rush to get into the onsen.

The reason for his consternation was the fact that her dress had been dropped in the middle of the hall. And further down, just outside the door leading into the ladies changing room, he could see her Hitai-ite. The Hitai-ite that had just minutes ago been strapped to her thigh. For some reason seeing this had him feeling very warm around his ears and neck. The he caught himself. No underwear lying around, right? Maybe she just really wanted that bath. Who knows, girls could be strange like that. "_Yeah, it has to be something like that, or maybe she just wants to join the tease-and-bash squad. Hopefully the tease department, I have enough deadly kunoichi willing to smash my face in."_

He entered the male changing room, deciding to wear some trunks under a large towel (just in case). He left his weapons next to his clothes, only keeping the old necklace Tsunade gave him. He then picked up the glasses and the juice can and heads outside. It was pretty dark outside, but he could see Tenten's silhouette. She seemed to have put most of her body below the waterline.

"Hi, sorry for the wait!" Naruto said, walking up next to where Tenten was. "How's the water?"

"Why don't you get in and find out." She replied. It was hard to tell, but he got the impression that she was smiling. He didn't know Tenten all that well, but generally smiles meant that there wouldn't be any bashing. And considering how nice the evening had been, he found to his surprise that a bit of teasing wouldn't all that bad either.

"Sure." He replied, putting down the two glasses between them, filling them up and then slipping into the hot water. "Ohh, I just love this. Hey, I didn't know you lived by yourself."

"Yeah, well I am getting old enough to live by myself, and I can visit my dad whenever. My mom died about a year after I was born."

Tenten reached for a glass, having a taste of the chilled drink. "Mmm, this is great, but I seem to remember reading something about another time you went to an onsen."

Naruto twitched, feeling supremely uncomfortable when he realized that Jiraiya's writing had somehow ended up in the hands of his date. "How do you know that?! That book isn't even in circulation yet!"

"I have my sources, and you don't need to feel bad. The description of your looks was quite accurate. By the way, can you dim the lights a bit; I'd like to look at the stars."

"Uhm, sure." Was all the reply Naruto to produce, before going over to a small panel near the entrance. A bit of fiddling with the controls and the onsen was covered in almost complete darkness.

"Oh, great." Naruto grumbled. How was he supposed to find his way back without falling and hurting himself, or worse, Tenten.

"What's wrong Naruto?"

"Ah, nothing, just keep talking and I'll be right there."

"Sure, I can do that. Umm, thanks for the gift and the flowers, and for walking me home to drop them off. I didn't know you could be such a smooth guy on a date. Where did you get all that practice?" While Tenten kept up a monologue for him to navigate by, Naruto found his way back to his spot again. Tenten quieted when he reentered the onsen, leaving the question hanging.

"Umm, I don't really know. Some things I've read, and of course Akane-chan has been giving me a lot of tips and practice. She was my guide back in Suna when I was there, and since she's Gaara's cousin, I was sort of obliged to repay her by taking responsibility of her here."

"Wait, I thought you hadn't gone on dates before?"

"Well, not dates as such, but when you're an official representative to another village you tend to end up I a whole bunch of social situations." Naruto grinned, which Tenten couldn't see, but sense in how his voice changed. "Akane-chan is really cool, I wouldn't have lasted a day in Suna on my own, but she kept making sure I didn't mess up too badly. And she helped me avoid some awkward situations to boot!"

"What kind of situations?"

"Well, once this woman from Iwa sorta thought I was the Yondaime reborn or something. She spent a full hour glaring at me, although I promised that I had nothing to do with that, which was a bit awkward since she was sitting next to me. I swear she didn't let her eyes stray from me the whole time. And then after the dinner, she was asking if I could go to her room so she could test whether I could perform like the 'Yellow Flash' or not. I really didn't wanna do that though, I mean, imagine what oba-chan would say when she heard that I'd beaten up a female diplomat from Iwa, in her own rooms at that! Thankfully Akane-chan talked her out of it, saying that Gaara had requested my presence or some such."

Tenten took in his story, noting how Naruto had managed to take a fairly obvious invitation into a woman's bedchamber and misunderstand completely. "This woman, was she beautiful?"

"Umm, well yeah, I think so. She was probably around her late twenties, and, well-"

"What?"

"I think she was really angry, 'cause the top of her kimono kinda got loose, and she never noticed. So I had to be really careful or get an eyeful of, umm, well, y'know. Imagine if she caught me staring."

At this point, Tenten had taken all she could, and started laughing. Naruto wasn't really sure about what it was that was so damn funny, but since it was important that your date got to enjoy herself, he didn't say anything until she had calmed down.

"I'm sure I'll be laughing too, as soon as you explain what it is that's so funny." He said it in a mild tone of voice, as he remembered her being one of those kunoichi who thought that using feminine wiles to complete a mission just couldn't compare to kicking some ass.

"S-sorry, Naruto-kun. It's just that you're so clueless." Tenten giggled a bit. "Naruto, please try to consider what kind of actions you could be expected to perform in a beautiful woman's bedroom."

There was silence for a while. A few crickets could be heard, which was not surprising since it was summer.

"Oh." Naruto said quietly. "You think she wanted to-"

"Jump your bones? Do some horizontal slow dancing? Kidnap your little shinobi? Well, nothing is certain, but _I'd_ certainly say so." She giggled a bit more, and then slowly started to creep over towards him. Their eyes had adjusted to the dark quite well by now, and she could see that he looked confused. Very confused.

"T-Tenten-chan?" He almost squeaked.

"And how would I know? Well, because I can see where she's coming from." Her sudden smile was quite visible, as the moon had suddenly decided to show up. Naruto could see that smile quite clearly, as well as noting that she had apparently forgotten her towel somewhere, as well as her underwear. He could see that clearly, as she was now leaning over him.

"As cute this whole innocence act is, I for one prefer a man that can understand what I'm saying. And, seeing as how hard I've worked to get you in this position, I intend to collect the reward for it tonight." Her smile turned into a grin, and Naruto was fairly certain that there was a light in her eyes that wasn't reflected from the moon.

"Whoa, T-Tenten-chan you know I had fun and all but-"

"What, you don't want me? Am I unattractive to you?"

"Hey, come on, you know that's not it! It's just, you know, a bit sudden and-"

"Oh shut up!" She growled." I know what I want and unless you have a damn good reason, I'm taking it." With that, she produced a kunai from somewhere and sliced through the knot on his towel.

"E-easy Tenten-chan! That's very flattering of course." He was starting to sound strained, as she kept leaning in closer, and he couldn't immediately think of a safe place to put his hands. "I just don't know about, y'know, love and all that, so-"

"I'll teach you. And tomorrow I wouldn't be surprised if Ino will teach you some more." She put one hand behind his head, and put the tip of the kunai just under the edge of his trunks. "And don't worry about the whole love thing, I'm sure you'll find someone for that later, but right now you have a whole different kind of loving to deliver. So stop talking!" With that, she put her lips on top of his, starting slow but quickly getting rougher.

At this point Naruto really didn't know how to resist, or even respond. He'd been subjected to a lot of unexpected situations since his return, but this topped everything else by a mile. Acting on instinct, he started returning her kisses. Then he felt his trunks falling off, and realized she'd brought her kunai down between his legs. He was thankful that it was Tenten that did that maneuver. He really didn't want anyone doing that without having her skill with weapons.

The idea of getting certain rather essential parts of himself cut off brought him back to his senses. There was something he had to do, before this went too far.

"Wait Tenten, there's something you need to know. About me"

This time he didn't give her a chance to respond. He slipped his leg around hers, grabbed an arm and twisted her over to his right. Tenten might be good with weapons, but she wasn't that good on taijutsu, so she found herself suddenly underneath Naruto. Although he tried to secure her, she still got her blade up just under his chin.

"Ahh, you like to be in control, huh." She grinned hungrily. "That's okay, just remember that I still have a kunai, so don't disappoint me."

"Please just listen, you'll regret this otherwise."

"What? What is it?" She was starting to sound confused.

"Well, I-"He faltered. "I'm different."

"Uhu, very. I'm not one to come on to just any guy you know."

"That's not what I mean, I-I have a condition."

"What, like a disease? You know, there is something called condoms."

"No, not a disease. I'm not ill. I've never been actually. Not once." He took a deep breath. "What do you know about the Kyuubi?"

Tenten stared at him. "_What the hell is he talking about?"_

"The demon that attacked Konoha. The Yondaime killed it, and died in the process."

"Yeah, that's what you were told. Most of us who were too young to know what was going on were told that. It's not the truth though." He pulled away.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Now she was feeling insecure, uncertain, and that would soon lead to anger. "_And then there will be another face-bashing."_

"Well, you know about Gaara, right?" He said, hoping to delay his answer a bit.

"Yeah, he has one of the bijuu in him. So?"

"When the Yondaime defeated the Kyuubi, he didn't do it by killing it. The Kyuubi was too powerful, so he had to seal it somehow. The only way to do that was to use a human sacrifice. A jinchuuriki."

He looked away, she had to have guessed what he meant, and if not, she would know what he meant now. "The jinchuuriki was a newborn baby. The sealing worked, the Yondaime died to complete it and Konoha was saved. Unfortunately for the baby, most of the villagers didn't like the idea of the demon running around among them. To protect him, the Sandaime passed a law that forbids the adults from telling the children about what had really happened."

"And you're telling me that baby was you? And you expect me to believe that?"

"I'll prove it." He didn't look at her, as he got out of the waters, reclaiming his towel and covering himself again. Then he walked over to the switches and fired them up. He felt empty and tired, but turned around so she could see him anyway.

"Look at my stomach." With that, he made a ram seal and started molding chakra.

When Tenten gasped, he stopped. "The seal isn't visible all the time, but it's there. I'm the jinchuuriki of Konoha, the jailor of the nine-tailed beast." Then he looked at her again.

They stared at each other for a while, and then Tenten turned away. She picked up her towel, wrapped it around her and without saying a word walked past him.

Naruto didn't move for a while, and then he shut off the lights and went inside. He'd done what he knew was right, but that didn't really make him feel any better.

It was going to be a long, sleepless night.

* * *

_**Naruto's home, early morning**_

Kakashi walked in through the outer gate, sauntering lazily along the graveled path leading to the main house. It was a bit of a nostalgia trip. His teacher had rarely invited his genin team to his clan's holding, preferring to use a rented apartment closer to the village's center. However, there had been a few noteworthy exceptions. He could almost feel the ghosts of his old teammates walking beside him.

Then he felt someone molding chakra. Not a lot of it, but noticeable none the less. He was pretty certain who it was, and veered of the path, heading straight for one of the other houses. This one was an old dojo, meant to give privacy when practicing.

He was still a few meters away from the dojo's entrance when he stopped and looked up.

"Yo, Naruto. Good morning."

"Hey Kakashi-sensei. What's up?" Naruto replied. He was standing a few meters up in the tree, looking away into the distance. His shoulders slumped, and he had dark rings under his eyes.

"I've been asked to test you and Sakura, we're going to form a new team, by order of the Hokage."

Naruto looked down, and Kakashi was troubled by how uninterested Naruto seemed. The newly baked genin that he'd trained a few years back would have been jumping with joy at a possibility to show off, but this Naruto hardly seemed to care. Something wasn't right.

"Okay, when and where?"

"Training area three, at noon."

"Okay, I'll be there."

Kakashi hesitated, something he wouldn't do normally. "_What in the name of Kami is going on?"_

"Are you okay Naruto? You seem a bit down."

"Just tired, I didn't get much sleep last night."

"Oh, okay." Kakashi decided that he'd save his prying for later. "I'll be off then, see you later."

"Yeah, ja ne."

Kakashi left, his new book already taken out. It was definitely one of the best that Jiraiya had written.

After a while he passed by training area 33, and saw Tenten demolishing various targets and dummies. Remembering that she supposedly had been on a date with Naruto the day before, he figured that there might be a connection between the two. Seeing the wrath in her movements, he gathered that something had gone wrong and decided that for once, he wouldn't just ignore it. Naruto was his responsibility again.

"Yo, Tenten." He called. "You're up early."

"Kakashi-san. Good morning." She also had the telltale signs of sleep deprivation. "I had trouble sleeping and figured I might as well do something productive."

"Hmm, just like someone else I met this morning then. Tell me, how did your date with Naruto go yesterday?"

Tenten stiffened, anger evident in her posture and face. "I don't see how that's any of your business!"

"It becomes my business when one of my new teammates acts like the world has ended. I have less than a week to get him ready for active service and he doesn't have time for heartaches. So tell me what happened. I haven't seen him this bad since Sasuke defected."

Tenten looked a bit surprised, but went ahead anyway. "What happened was that I tried to get close to him, and he lied to me just to get rid of me. He couldn't just tell me what he felt."

Kakashi frowned. "Naruto isn't like that, that idiot would be truthful to Orochimaru. What did he say?"

"He claimed that he was a jinchuuriki! And then he pulled this weird genjutsu to make it seem real!"

Kakashi covered his visible eye and let out an audible sigh. "Just to be clear, he went flat out and told you he is a jinchuuriki? Did he say what bijuu?"

"He said he had the nine-tails, the bastard. That thing killed my mother!"

"Oh, so he really did tell you then. What did you do at that point?"

Tenten, having worked up her anger again, ignored most of what Kakashi had just said. "I walked away. Of course I had to get dressed, but he didn't even follow."

Kakashi gave her a firm look. Then, holding a tight rein on his feelings he said. "Would it change anything if I told you he was telling you the truth?"

"Oh, come on, if he had that thing we'd have known." A memory of something that Naruto had said kept nagging her, but she ignored it.

"So he didn't mention the Sandaime's law? I thought he would."

"Wait, maybe he did say something." She tried to think back, and then, connecting various dots, her gaze shot up to Kakashi's face. "Oh no."

"I see you've finally figured it out." Kakashi didn't bother to hide his irritation anymore. "_That silly girl! She'd better pray that Tsunade doesn't hear about this."_

"What do I do? H-he just – I mean, how was – damn it!" She was babbling now, her mind jumping from conclusion to conclusion.

"Well, I expect that a bit groveling might be in order, and as soon as possible. I don't want him to do anything stupid."

"Y-yes Kakashi-san. I'll go right now!" With that, Tenten took off, moving at top speed.

* * *

It didn't take more than a few minutes, going directly over rooftops and yards, upsetting a few dogs and startling a few early risers. Soon she was standing outside the door of Naruto's home.

Naruto got up from the couch, his robe hanging open over a pair of boxers and a T-shirt. He'd spent the night trying to keep himself occupied, cleaning a few of the unused rooms, modifying some of the clothes he'd recently bought and generally trying not to think of Tenten. He couldn't blame her really. He'd decided that if and when he had to tell someone about his unwanted resident, he'd accept their reaction. That didn't mean it didn't hurt.

And now he somehow had to pull himself together for the test that Kakashi had set up. Normally he'd be really excited about testing himself against one of the most powerful ninja in Konoha, but this early morning seemed cold rather than promising, the harsh light of the rising sun drenching the world in a colorless tone of grey.

He had a few hours left until noon, and was just trying to decide how to use the time when he felt something. It wasn't really a sound or scent, and it seemed to be out to the front of the house. Frowning, he walked over to the front door. Something was out there, he just had to figure out what it was.

Stepping out, a kunai casually palmed and hidden in his sleeve, he glanced around. There! A movement among the trees. Then the presence had moved, heading around his house. It was subtle, yet easily detectable for someone of his level of training. He thought for a moment, and then followed the unknown person.

They played a strange game of sorts in the compound, and although it only lasted a few minutes, his tension made it seem they had played the evading game for hours. Then the presence moved to the back of his house. He landed behind a tree, the bathing area on the other side. Then he heard a splash, and reacted instinctively.

Before he quite understood what had happened, he was standing at the edge of the onsen again. The shape was standing in the water, facing away from him. He barely had time to halt his hand, which was moving his kunai upwards to drive through the soft area underneath the chin and all the way into the brain. The other hand had a firm grip around the jaw.

The shape was female, long hair hanging down the back. And she was naked. Although he had her in what could be mistaken for a loving embrace, the breasts that were barely covered by slender arms told him all he needed to determine the gender. Then he heard a voice, and turned stiff as a rock.

"Naruto?" He knew that voice, but he had never heard it that quiet, or unsure. He tried to start breathing again, and released his grip. Before he had had a chance to move away, she had turned around and buried her face in his chest.

"Tenten?" He mumbled in reply. He felt confused, and then realized that he had felt something on his hand when he gripped her face. Something wet. "Tenten, are you crying?"

He felt her shudder slightly, and then she broke down, sobbing into his T-shirt. "I'm sorry." She said, and then repeated it, again and again, while standing there slowly soaking his clothes. He was unsure of what to do, but decided that he could get angry later. Instead he hugged her lightly, stroking her hair and whispering calming words.

After what felt like an eternity, he felt her calming down.

"Are you okay now?" He asked cautiously.

"Yeah, sorry Naruto." She took a deep, shaky breath. Then she looked up at him. "I'm sorry about walking out on you before, I misunderstood. Please forgive me."

"Yeah, sure. I supposed I could have tried telling you before. Sorry." He looked at her. She was a mess, a deep red around her eyes from the crying, pale from a night without sleep and her makeup on the run. "Will you forgive me? And why did you leave like that?"

She opened her mouth, as to reply, and then kissed him. "I thought you didn't want me. " She kissed him again. "Why haven't you told us?" A hint of anger had started to sneak into her voice. "I was so angry at you!" She kissed him ferociously, and then wrapped herself around him, tripping him up and making sure to end up on top when they landed. "I might forgive you, but you'll have to make up for last night!" Then she was holding his kunai in her right hand, while her left held his throat to keep him from moving.

At first he felt confused, but when she started cutting up his clothes he understood what she meant.

"_Well, this will be the best excuse I've ever given!" _He thought as he felt her start on his boxers.

* * *

_**Training area three, noon**_

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. "Where is he, Kakashi-sensei? We're supposed to start now!" Sakura looked seriously pissed. She was wearing her usual active-duty outfit, and was busy tapping her foot and pulling at one of her gloves.

Kakashi looked at Sakura, before returning to his book. "I'm sure he has a good reason for not being in time."

"Huh? What do you mean by that? And why are _you_ on time by the way?"

"Well, there is a reason for that."

"What reason is- Naruto!" The last word was shouted out, as the young blonde landed just in front of Sakura, a grin etched into his face to rival anything that Lee or Gai could deliver.

"Yo! Sorry I'm lat-OUCH!" As Naruto started rubbing his head where Sakura had hit him, Kakashi sighed. "Feeling better Naruto?"

"Yeah, thanks for talking to Tenten for me."

"What did you do?" Sakura had a look like _someone _had _better _have a _damn _good answer or _someone _would get hurt. Naruto just smiled.

"It's okay now, we've talked about it and she says she's fine with it." At that, the smile became a grin.

"So I take it she didn't try to kill you for telling her then. You ready for the test?" Kakashi asked, wondering just how they had made up.

"Yeah!"

"Oh, I guess I can interrogate Naruto afterwards. I'm ready too"

"Excellent, then, you'll have until tomorrow morning to get these from me." At that, Kakashi held up two bells. "Don't hold back, Naruto has another date this evening, so he has to hurry up, ne?" With that, Kakashi pulled up his Hitai-ite, revealing his sharingan.

"GO!"

And they were off.

* * *

_**A few hours later**_

"Damn it! We don't have time for this! I want those bloody bells now!" Naruto was fed up, and hungry. Kakashi had taken all they could throw at him, and gotten of scot free every time.

"Well, then we'd better think of a way to get to him. That sharingan is a pain in the ass." Sakura's mood wasn't much better.

"Yeah, he can see through genjutsu, read our movements, we can't hide anything from him. Where's Shikamaru when you need him?"

"Okay, calm down. What is Kakashi's weak point?"

"If I knew that, I wouldn't be here, risking to get killed by Ino for being late. God damn-"

Naruto suddenly shut up, which was almost unnatural enough to make Sakura start to worry for him.

"Naruto? You okay."

"Yeah, I think I've got it." He bent over and whispered something to Sakura, just in case.

"Oh, that's it, that'll force him to leave the bells unprotected."

They set off to put the plan in motion.

......

"Well, that was embarrassing." Kakashi stated calmly. His two new teammates just grinned at him, each holding a bell.

"Kakashi-sensei, that's what you get for being a pervert. Now I have to get going, or I won't be in time for my date! See ya later!"

With that, Naruto was off, leaving a slightly annoyed Sakura and an exasperated Kakashi behind him. He had a date to prepare for, and hopefully Akane would be nearby to help. He really wanted to look his best for the evening that was coming.

After all, Tenten had said something about Ino teaching him some more.

* * *

A/N: Oh damn, I think I've veered into the twilight zone! Na, this will have to do for now. I'm currently trying to decide how to juggle the whole dating thing, this is getting longer and longer, as are the length of the chapters.

If the whole emotional part seemed weird, well, go ask someone in a relationship about make-up sex.

Other than that, drop off a few comments on how this chap is, I'm just not certain that it works. Hearing some voices going "it sucks!" or "it rocks!" would help.

And, if anyone think they're up to it, I suppose I could use a beta-reader. If I show this to my gf, I'll probably be sleeping on the couch for a week.

Nuff ranting, cya at the next update (whenever that might be).


	7. Relationships are too troublesome

disclaimer: What I wrote in the other chapters. I hate the fact that I don't own Naruto.

Another bunch of reviews. Happy to get some critiscism, and even a rant.

Elemental Dragon Swordman: As I am evil, you will have to wait to see how that goes.

Fuyuriku:I enjoyed your rant, as I don't feel that it affects me all that much. I'm so happy that I stayed away from nosebleeds. (No, I'm not talking about my- whoops, eh hehe.)

Demonkid: Oh, I don't know, it's not that much shorter than the once before. Still, everyone should thank Demonkid for a slightly longer chapter. I suppose they will keep growing.

Dragonjek: The drama isn't over, and there will be more of it as the seven days (slowly) moves on.

Dmygo: Thank you, and the juicy stuff can be found in so many other places than here, and in much better writing. (My keyboard can't handle the nosebleeds).

:Glad you like it, and yes, Terry Pratchett is one of my absolute favorites among all authors.

More comments might be found at the bottom (or can they?). Enjoy

* * *

**Relationships are too troublesome**

_**Sunday, the Nara clan compound**_

Shikamaru leaned forward, carefully observing the battlefield. The enemy _looked_ to be in a position of strength, but his trap had been set, and the enemy commander hadn't spotted it in time. With the face of a veteran winner, he moved the last shogi piece and ended the game. "Tsumu." He said, only a hint of satisfaction evident. The fact that it was his fourth win in a row that day alone was, perhaps, icing on the cake. But then again, he did like icing.

His opponent took the loss gracefully. For being Lee that is. "Ohh! That was a brilliant and sneaky move Shikamaru-san! I feel the need to improve myself further! Let us run two hundred laps around the village to improve ourselves and our youthfulness!" The walking fashion crime that was Rock Lee was standing up, fists raised to chest height and enthusiasm evident all over. Shikamaru briefly wondered how anyone with barely existent chakra coils could somehow produce what looked like flames in their eyes. Then he remembered that Lee probably expected an answer, and that if he waited too long he'd be dragged off by the taijutsu specialist and forced to do something troublesome.

"Tch, too troublesome. I won after all, why would I bother with that?" Having finished the troublesome task of replying, Shikamaru lay back until he was resting on the floor. The early morning had not yet gotten the oppressive heat that would be arriving later, and right now he could enjoy the few clouds that were crossing the sky at their own, leisurely pace. He envied them their freedom. He'd soon have to get to work. It was troublesome, but having the Hokage threaten him with debriefing/comforting female ANBU was even more so. Why she kept holding that particular threat over him, he'd never understand.

At least the Games & Theory section of ANBU could be a bit challenging.

He had been surprised when Tsunade had him placed in the ANBU tactical planning department, but he quickly came to see how he belonged there. He'd never admit it to anyone, but secretly he'd started to enjoy it. It reminded him of shogi and a whole bunch of other games. Poker, for example, was all about gathering information and calculating risks. He usually made it to the final table at their internal tournament, but seldom lasted long. It was almost motivational to meet people who could actually outthink him.

Almost being a keyword of course. He did have a reputation to uphold. Not that he couldn't be lazy, but the protection granted by seeming to be a harmless slacker had made his life safer and a few enemies easier to deal with. Three times, it had let him kill. He blinked and tried to veer his mind away from that troublesome subject.

"Ohh! I wish that Naruto-kun was back. He was a most youthful sparring partner." The green-clad young shinobi had not really shifted his position, but now anyone looking could almost imagine that the (possible) flames had changed into stars, as the over strung Lee took a trip down memory lane. If his so far unreturned infatuation for Sakura wasn't common knowledge, Shikamaru might have wondered if Lee was only missing Naruto as a training partner. Thankfully, that disturbing idea could be safely tucked into the dark recess whence it came from.

"Didn't you know that Naruto is back?" Shikamaru asked offhandedly, knowing that this might well be the quickest and most diplomatic way to make his sort-of, more-or-less disciple decide to leave.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out Lee's reaction, withholding the information until it could be used properly did. Lee's reaction once again confirmed why they had been able to finish four shogi matches in just over twenty minutes.

"WHAT! I have heard nothing of the sort! I'm must immediately find him and challenge my old rival to a match! If I cannot find him today, I shall carry a rock up and down the Hokage monument one hundred times. And if I fail-"

"You're losing daylight, troublesome person." Shikamaru interrupted, knowing exactly how important it was to head Lee off early.

"Ah, indeed! Thank you Shikamaru-san, I shall see you later then. I'm coming, Naruto-kun!" With that, Lee sprinted off to search for his unsuspecting old friend. Shikamaru sighed. He'd have to move soon, and one of his favorite spots, a bench outside the front door of his family's house, had a perfect blend of heat and shade. Knowing that Tsunade would hear about it if he tried slacking, and figuring that he'd rather not find a girlfriend among the semi-psychotic female members of ANBU, he only stayed a few more minutes before getting up and setting of for ANBU HQ.

* * *

Walking through the village, Shikamaru barely noticed the crowded streets and busy stores. Konoha's economy had picked up after the invasion of Oto and Suna, and although they had pretty much had to work overtime for a year, the village as a whole had prospered. An early proposal from him about intensifying and updating the methods of the academy, coupled with Tsunade's decision to increase the number of medics, had slowly filled the ranks. They were still under strength numerically in relation to the number of civilians, but that was offset by decreased deaths and crippling injuries. As a bonus, the decreased casualty rate also led to a slow increase in the number of higher ranked ninja.

"_Hmm, wonder what'll be discussed today. Thank Kami for Sunday half days." _Sundays, were usually for planning and preparing for the coming week, as well as for forced R&R. Some shinobi were zealous enough to not take breaks when needed.

"Ohayo Shikamaru-kun!" The shouted greeting came from just behind him.

"Gah! Damn it, don't scare me like that Chiyo." He answered the brunette, a feeling of unease building in the pit of his stomach.

"And why not, you're so cute when you look scared. Won't you come by my apartment again soon? I can scare you out of your clothes and wits, and then I'll comfort you when you break down." That Chiyo was smiling the whole time didn't make Shikamaru feel one bit less uncomfortable. Sure she was easy on the eye, ANBU operatives tended to keep fit. But she was also one of the weirder ones. She and Anko had a lot in common, being deadly and sexy at the same time among the less noticeable.

"No thanks. Besides, the last time you drugged me, tied me up and dragged me there. If Yamato hadn't shown up, I'd have gotten you locked up for that."

"Aww, and I had this cute little outfit made for you."

"Sorry, I don't look good in leather. Or handcuffs."

"Mou, you're just no fun when you're able to run away."

"Bite me."

"Where and when?"

"Never mind. Anything new otherwise?"

"He he, I had a good time guarding the jinchuuriki." At that, Shikamaru stopped and glared at her.

"He has a name, Yamato-san. Don't forget that." Then he started walking again.

"Right. Sorry, we try not to say it in the open, just in case, you know. Anyway, he and his date made a real scene at his place last night."

"How troublesome. What happened?"

"Well, Tenten seemed to be doing, well, you know how she's been since Neji was forced to marry, right?"

"Oh, yeah. She actually went after me once. If Ino hadn't practiced on me I might have fallen for it as well."

"Well, she was trying to play with Naruto too, and the idiot went and got all serious, telling her about, you know, it. I'm not sure what she thought about it, but she just walked away." Chiyo grinned. "I almost jumped down there to console him myself. He looked so downhearted. Then she came back earlier this morning. Guess what happened?"

"She tried to kill him?"

"I thought so too, but-"

_**Earlier that morning, Naruto's onsen**_

_Schick!_

Naruto's eyes popped open, a burning pain spreading across his throat. Looking up, Tenten was grinning at him, something in her smile worrying him.

"Not good enough, Naruto-_kun." _She had her hands on his forearms, he hadn't even noticed it before, and now she was holding him down, practically defenseless. Something wet was inching down along his neck. "Killing you isn't much of a challenge you know."

"!" He tried, finding himself unable to speak. "_What the hell?!"_

"Oh, and I put a paralyzing agent on the blade, you won't be able to talk for a little while." Then she bent over and kissed him again. "Mmm, this is awful, you know. First, I just wanted to hurt you, then I thought you were lying to get rid of me, so I wanted to kill you, but you would have stopped me. Now, when I have a real chance to kill you, with a good reason to boot, I can't." Her eyes got softer. "You're just too sweet to kill, and if I decide I want you, I want it to be for real. And I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet."

The burning pain came back, as she quickly scratched his arms. Then she covered her breasts with one arm, almost as an afterthought, before turning around, marking his legs as well. Then she turned back, and if he'd been worried before, he was terrified with the face she made at him. "My mother got killed by the Kyuubi, and your sweet, infuriating attempt at chivalry ruined my fun last night. This time, I'm gonna ruin it for you. You just lay there and relax while I play with you for a bit, and when you're certain you'll die if I don't give you release, I'll leave." The grin was very nearly a snarl.

"So, let me show you just how it is that pain can be pleasure and pleasure can be pain."

* * *

_**Now, outside ANBU HQ**_

"Then she did exactly what she promised, although she left soon after when he got his voice back. Guess she didn't count on him working through the poison that fast." She said, something primeval in her voice.

"Bet you enjoyed the show. And that it's why you came looking for me." Shikamaru replied as he entered the building after her.

"Oh, you're so clever Shikamaru-kun. So, can I expect you at my place later then?"

"Will you refrain from the whole tying-up-and-whipping-my-partner-thing you've got going?"

"Nope!"

"Ditto, then. Now, I think I've gotta go to work, and seeing as how you're not allowed beyond that door, I expect you'll have to find someone else to play with."

"Coward." She snapped at him, a pout adorning her face.

"Thanks, see ya." With that he turned his back and went through the unmarked door, his identity checked by the guard on the other side.

Heading down the slightly run-down corridor, he entered his office, casually catching and returning a kunai tossed at him by one of his coworkers. "Ohayo Akira, been outside this week yet?"

"Ohayo Shikamaru. I did take an hour long walk during the afternoon three days ago. A total of eight ANBU had me watched the whole time, so I think I'll do it twice next week." Akira was a genius, in his own way. The problem was that it was hard to read him. Aburames often were, of course, but Akira coupled their usual anti social behavior with a bewildering way of using logic and half sentences to leave most people dumbfounded as to what he really meant. The fact that he could make you believe he thought it was raining on a day like today didn't sit well with many of his superiors, who therefore had him watched closely at all times. Unless he was at the HQ.

"So all the ANBU were women?"

"No, not all of them, but those that weren't ordered to check me were. I haven't slept in my own bed since, and I estimate I won't have to for another two nights. Very entertaining." Shikamaru had for some reason become a good friend of the eccentric genius, finding that they had many things in common. Akira was a few years older, and was almost obsessed with misleading everyone around him. Shikamaru hadn't ruled out that he was also being wound up somehow, but didn't care much. The Aburame were generally considered to be the most stable and loyal clan in Konoha, as their bugs and fanatic devotion to logic tended to quickly expose any treasonous tendencies. It was amazing what the possibility of being eaten from the inside out could do for morale.

"You mean one of them have a fetish for bugs, and decided to use you to blow off steam. And she's heading out on another mission in a few days." Akira generally never told you the truth as you thought you heard it, but seldom lied outright either.

"Actually, she wanted to hear about their mating procedure. The idea of several males servicing one queen seemed to intrigue her. And excite her as well. Score." Oh yeah, if you dared to fence with him a bit, you'd usually notice that he could be quite entertaining. Saying 'score' in that monotone, low key baritone certainly was enough to make Shikamaru smile a bit. The fact that Akira had once referred to Shino as the comedian of the clan had led Shikamaru to start a hobby project of his own, something to whittle away on during his hour long cloud watching sessions. He knew it had a low probability of success, but he needed something to tell himself that he might have a long life yet.

Now, he had to work. Finding out how to make an Aburame laugh could wait.

"Has team Neji returned yet?"

"No, it seems to be as projected, Iwa most likely had an inbuilt failsafe, and they may have suffered a casualty, although the plan doesn't include a fatality or crippling injury."

"At least Neji knows to keep the medic off the front line. ETA?

"Logistics says another two days, but they never could appreciate the genius factor. I'd say this afternoon. We can probably send the team out in another week if they have an injury, three days if the Hyuuga did his magic and they got out scot free."

"Okay, let's go over the talon series again before the collaboration meeting. I don't want that Danzo bastard to get so much as a word in edgewise about our planning."

"Your planning, you mean. I'm just an idiot savant."

"And I'm too lazy to do any work, think we can push the glory on the doorman?"

"He's got a family, don't want to make more orphans if we don't have to."

"Right, guess I'll have to take a mission this week then. Think I can sneak off to Suna again?

"Probably, you can do the third stage of Red Talon when you're at it."

"I suppose. What do we know about Akatsuki's movements?"

"No news since yesterday. I think we can expect them to head for Suna soon. If you can find an excuse good enough I'd say that the last phase of Red can be done there as well. Gaara won't need all that much support if we give you a few air brawlers." Akira probably gave him a look, although it was hard to tell through the sunglasses. "Just be careful not to show off your skills before they come. Naruto spending a month there probably threw their time table a bit, and they'll be putting a lot of resources on making the capture a success. You tip your hand, get noticed, and they'll strike at you first."

"Divination still doesn't have any clue as to what they want the jinchuuriki for?" Shikamaru replied, concern absent from his voice and face.

"Nope, they are even more clueless than us. The idea that they want the demonic containers for anything is just a theory to those idiots."

"Man, I hate not having that information. So, how far along are we on Black and Blue?"

"Black is pretty much done, Blue is impossible until we know the location of the jinchuuriki. He's gone off the grid. No one knows anything."

"Hmm, I think I'll ask for one of the ex-Bamboo teams for Red. I need to know more about their skills. If they're anything like I suspect, I'll want them for the entire Black series."

Akira gazed at him for a bit before responding. "Your funeral, I wouldn't want one of those women getting all hung up on me for all the dango in Konoha. They're fucking crazy you know."

Shikamaru shrugged. "Can't be worse than Chiyo. 'Sides, I reckon all women are a bit crazy. Especially the kunoichi." He looked at the wall clock. "Let's go and try to mess up Danzo's day, shall we?"

"Ain't gonna live forever anyway."

They headed out, passing the bored looking guard at the door. On the way to the conference room, Shikamaru stopped and checked if Neji was logged as having returned, but was disappointed. It was always hard, having one of his old friends out on a mission he'd planned, never knowing if he'd missed something vital.

As they headed into the large room, he sealed away his worry. Neji just had to do the best he could.

* * *

_**Meanwhile, the village of Kusagakure**_

"Oi, cap'n, we heading out anytime soon? I wanna catch the Sunday special." Neji ignored his teammate and looked at his chrono. It'd take about six hours to get back to Konoha from here, and he wanted to get the secondary objective if at all possible. And delay his return. Just because he'd married a beautiful woman didn't mean that he was in love, and he was trying to buy himself time to get to grips with the way his life had changed.

"Oi, Kiba, shut it. The target will be out soon if our info is correct. Focus." That was from Chouji, an Akamichi with more brains than many dared credit him for.

"Now now Chouji, you know that the dickless people always have to complain." That was Sai talking. Just Sai apparently. He was one of the weirdest shinobi Neji had ever worked with, and his old team had been led by Might Guy and his almost-clone Rock Lee. Neji knew more about weird than any three ninja should have to know.

Then their target was moving, stepping out into the street and looking pleased with himself. A low grade genin, he'd gotten away because the only thing he had going for him was a damn fine henge and that the village hidden in the Waterfall was too small for a dedicated hunternin cadre. He would bring in a decent bounty however, and since Neji could see through his camouflage, the orders included a capture order to be pursued at the team leader's discretion. Neji guessed that Shikamaru had something to do with it.

"Let's catch that traitor alive. I need a good workout." With that, Neji disappeared up onto a roof, Chouji walked into the teashop, Sai started walking after the genin and Kiba remained seated, just in case.

The genin seemed to feel safe, walking around relatively carelessly. The two years of not being hunted, as he would have been if he came from one of the larger villages, had apparently dulled his edge. If Neji didn't know that he had actually been kept busy with low level jobs, he might have underestimated the harmless looking teen. As it was, he almost missed the scrawny girl that almost randomly started following their target. Friend or foe or both? He wasn't certain, but she would have to show her colors soon. The target was almost at the alley he usually took as a shortcut home.

Now was the moment of truth. The target turned left and headed down the alley and the girl didn't disappoint, going into and most likely through a textile shop on the same side. What she wanted was still unknown, but he would be damned if he lost the target to a single kunoichi.

"_Wait, she is alone? Something is wrong."_

Not wanting to take any chances, he keyed his wireless. "Chouji, girl coming through a shop on your side, probable nin, status unknown. Acknowledge." Two bursts of static told him that the message was received. He saw an old beggar turn into the alley as well. The beggar had slept outside their target's apartment every night that they had been scouting their objective.

With Chouji forewarned he started to move, activating his Byakugan and letting a very, very low amount of presence slip out. The genin sensed it, masking his reaction almost perfectly, but the Byakugan didn't forgive imperfection. He landed behind the old beggar, making the target look behind him before dashing for the safety of his hideout. Pushing the old man roughly to the side, he followed quickly, trying to close the distance before the genin slipped into the relative safety of his home.

However, he apparently wasn't fast enough, and the objective slipped through the door, doubtlessly activating all manner of interesting traps and seals. "_And here is where the trap outside activates"._ He thought turning and barely dodging a barrage of shuriken. The man responsible had an arrogant smile, a jutsu already on the way.

Then he was down from a heavy hit to the neck, the beggar releasing his henge and turning back to Sai. Neji thanked Kami that he'd managed to convince the ex-spy that killing enemies was _not_ preferable to interrogating them. The man was most likely not a real shinobi, but making sure was for later. From inside the house came a shout, and a short bark. The target was being secured by Akamaru and one of Sai's creations. Now the question was what Chouji and Kiba would bring in. So far the plan was going pretty much according to plan. This usually meant that something horrible was going to happen.

"Neji, Chouji here. Target captured, heading to rendezvous point three." He blipped his mic twice.

"Neji, Kiba here. Have taken two captives. Also heading to rendezvous three." He blipped twice again, then went to the door. It had the expected traps set, but the genin obviously wasn't any kind of expert. Anyone that had tried to sneak up on Uzumaki would scoff at this.

A few minutes later, he was carrying the objective out, while Akamaru had two small children on his back. Apparently the piece of shit had dipped his hand into the slave trade, apart from working as a small time thief and hit man. Disgusting as it was, he was content to have managed to secure a few documents, which might lead to a few more rescues at a later date.

"Sai, bring him. Let's join up with the others and go home." Sai simply nodded, a look as close to anger as was ever possible evident on his face. Sai really didn't like those that traded in people, and those who shipped children were on the top of his private torture-with-extreme-prejudice-list.

They left through the back streets and alleys of the village, not wanting to explain why they were carrying a number of presumed Grass citizens. After a few minutes they were all gathered at the rendezvous point.

"Any difficulties? Chouji?"

"Nah, I had to watch it so I didn't hurt her too badly though. She's really thin." Chouji was slated to be a jounin instructor the day he was deemed ready. He still had the girth and appetites of the Akamichi, but it had been tempered by his maturing. Now his abilities with understanding people and judging character was emerging, and if he survived the next year or so, he'd soon have his own genins to nurture.

"These two probably have a connection to Chouji's girl; they suddenly went hell for leather trying to get to that house. Thankfully that made them careless, so I got them easily." Kiba was known for not wanting to be rough towards girls, which probably had to do with his upbringing in a family dominated by quite fierce women and b-err, female dogs. He was also being considered for the Tracking & Recovery section of ANBU, his morals making him unsuited for the often grisly task of the hunternins, but probably perfect for search and rescue missions.

"The plan worked well. I am happy that Nara-san is not as retarded as he looks." Sai was a mystery to the others. Even Neji hadn't been briefed on his origins. He was apparently as close to a total sociopath as was possible, without having the urge to mass murder people for breathing out of rhythm. They had also discovered that he was, slowly, trying to learn how to act towards and around other human beings. Apparently, the shutting down of ROOT had turned up all sorts of nasty surprises, and Sai had been one of those better off. Neji didn't want to imagine those that were bad cases. Too bad they couldn't off the leader, but Danzo had a lot of protection.

"Good, then let's move. I want to get that waste of breathable air off my hands as soon as possible." He looked at Sai. "I'm sure Ibiki will be happy to have an assistant for the interrogation, if you feel up to it."

"I shall consider it, freaky-eyes." Neji only nodded at the reply, having heard a lot worse during the mission. Then he turned and headed off, leading the way towards Konoha, and home.

* * *

_**Later, Naruto's home**_

"Damn it, Akane-chan, will you stop laughing! It wasn't at all funny, and I don't consider torture a good way to start a relationship!" Naruto was sulking again. He knew it, but couldn't help it. "I haven't been that scared since Sakura found out about the harem no jutsu! She was smiling the whole bloody time!"

Managing to uncurl from the ball of laughing hysterics she'd been reduced into, Akane slowly got up, a hand on the kitchen table helping her keep her footing and the other wiping her eyes. "I have to thank the girl later. That was an excellent lesson on why you shouldn't let your guard down at any time. And you fell for it like a newly graduated genin too!"

"Go suck a blade! Do you know how it felt to finally tell someone from the village my secret and have her just walk away, not saying a word. And then, when she comes back and says she's sorry, I end up as an anatomical test doll!" At that Akane slumped again, laughter peeling out and fists drumming on the table. Naruto gave her a disgusted look. "I'm gonna go pray to Kami for a trade in, my new best friend is malfunctioning."

"Fine, how'd you like a big sister instead?" She said without thinking. When he didn't make a snappy comeback, she looked over at him, then felt the urge to swallow and looked away again. "_Damn brat doesn't even know he's doing it, this week will be interesting."_

Some people referred to showing one's feelings as 'wearing his/her heart on his/her sleeve'. Currently, Akane figured Naruto would need arms the length of a full grown gorilla to fit them all there. Sure, Gaara had sort of taken him in, but that was jinchuuriki to jinchuuriki. She'd just made the mistake of openly offering him that which not even Tsunade had dared yet. Cursing her tongue, she forced herself to say something.

"D-don't think of it as a favor. I'm already wasting time trying to teach you how to behave among civilized people. I just figured I'd get some of the perks from it." Once she had done a quick rerun of _that_ sentence she slapped herself mentally. "_Oh, way to get past an awkward moment idiot." _

"You mean it?" Naruto's voice was low and thick with emotion. There was both hope and disbelief, as if he was already shielding himself from rejection. Akane had to force herself not to retreat into a mental rant about the people who had built in those instincts in a little boy all those years ago.

Taking a deep breath, she looked him in the eye. "_Kami, a guy shouldn't be allowed to have eyes like that. The girls will need to be separated by ANBU when the fighting starts. _Naruto. I know I can be a bit of a pain sometimes, but unless you'd prefer not to, I'd be proud to call myself your sister._"_ Then she smiled. "Of course, I can't stick around here for very much longer, but whenever you pass by Suna there'll be a room and a cup of tea for you." Now it was her turn to be vulnerable. "What about you, would you mind if-"And then she was being hugged like she'd never been before.

She made a mental note to have a serious talk with Tenten. Naruto might be tough, but that didn't mean he was indestructible. She had hopes for some of the other girls as well, but if Tenten could be convinced to watch his back for him, that'd be a good start. And then-

"Uff, Naruto, I need to breathe damn it!"

* * *

_**A few sappy moments later**_

"So, was she hot?"

"I'm almost wishing I could have a second trip with Jiraiya. If I'd had some training I wouldn't be acting like a hormone-strung-out-teen. I'd have preferred being as old as everybody says I am, or at least with the experience of one."

"You _are _a hormone-strung-out-teen, and you're resident might prove a problem if you're not careful. Gaara did tell me that any intense emotion could get the badger going. As for the experience thing, well, don't believe what everyone is telling you. It's usually later, they're never that good and it won't be all that nice either."

"Thanks, now I'm depressed _and _disillusioned. Anything you'd like to add to my heap of burdens, nee-chan?"

"Well, aren't you supposed to go on a test today?"

"Yeah, I will, I'm planning on going to visit the Ichiraku ramen stand before going there though. By the way, how come you know all these things?"

"I asked Hokage-sama to relay your daily schedule to me, so I can get you through the first week alright. I'll ask Temari to send a fast slip message to Gaara for me, I'll want to spend some time with my new otouto, but don't expect me to be able to pull your nuts out of the girls hands every time you mess up from now on." At this point she stopped to ruffle his hair a bit. "Now, I don't know what kind of test you'll be getting, but finish it in good time before your date tonight. I understand that Ino was livid when she understood that she couldn't take you for a shopping spree using the Hokage's money."

"Thank Kami, Konoha would have been facing an economic depression if that happened."

"Which might be why you're being tested today. Oh, and I don't know if you heard, but your team is supposed to be active by next Monday. Get dressed and head off now. Enjoy a bit of peace and quiet.

"Okay, nee-chan. Will you help me prepare for the date?"

"Only if I get to play dress-up, and wash your back, otouto."

"Can't you let me wash my own back this time?"

"Where would the fun be in that? Now, off you run while I go and recuperate after my night out."

"Man, no one said that sisters could be like- oh, wait, Gaara did. And please don't tell Temari I said that."

Akane blew him a kiss, which he dodged, and headed off for the bath, while Naruto started the walk towards Ichiraku's.

* * *

_**Meanwhile, at the western gate of Konoha**_

"OOOOOHHHHH! Hello there guard-san, is it true that Uzumaki-san has returned?" Rock Lee was never the most discreet of Konoha's shinobi.

"Um, yup?" The guard answered, taken off guard by the seemingly burning mini-Guy.

"Ossu! Then I know for certain now that he is indeed in the village! I shall find him and challenge my rival and we will burn with greater flames of youth than ever! Thank you guard-san, have a nice day!" And with that shouted semi-command, Lee was off again.

"What the-"

"I don't know, and I don't wanna know. Let's just pray it isn't contagious, I think I got some spit on me. Do you think we should warn Naruto?"

"Well, somehow I reckon he'll be happier of not knowing. What with all the dates and all."

"True, true, he'll have enough problems keeping those ladies from sucking him dry, without having to worry about that weirdo. Are we still sure he's not gay?"

"Na, that would be Sasuke I reckon. Bastard, his own fan club and not one new heir to show for it. And then saunter off to that snake-perv."

"Yeah, so who do you reckon will win the finals?"

* * *

_**Seven in the evening, Naruto's home**_

Naruto had thought that he was ready for the date, he had his wallet, the nice suit, the present, not flowers considering her parents owned a store and so on. But when Akane handed him two tickets and he saw what they were for, he went for a spin. "No! I'm not going! Period! Naruto-sama does eat ramen! Naruto-sama does indeed cater to his escorts every need (up to a point) and Naruto-sama loves his sister! _But_, Naruto-sama does not collect stamps, steal from old grannies or go to the _freaking opera!"_

Akane didn't seem too impressed however."Naruto, would you prefer to ruin the date with Ino? I did not expect you to act like this towards an old friend of yours."

"No you don't, that card is currently out of the game! No matter how much a precious person she-"

"Yes? Go on, say it?"

"I mean, she looked cute and all, but-I just-it's. Please Akane-neechan? Pweety pwease?" Turning the most soulful teary eyed look he could muster on her, Akane almost melted there and then. Luckily she had had some practice resisting with Gaara. She'd never reveal this, as Gaara had declared his Teary-eyes-no-jutsu a triple S secret. Naruto's was even worse.

"No, Naruto. You are going to the opera, in your fancy suit, after the dinner, which you will eat in an adult and exemplary manner, and then you'll possibly go clubbing. I will not hear another word about it."

"Not even for two sexy-no-jutsu-clones?"

"No, this is for your own good. Ino will punish you even worse than Sakura would if you misbehave, so act right."

Thankfully the seal announcing someone passing the outer gate flared at that point. As Akane checked Naruto and herself over, he could only fidget nervously. "_I'm gonna fall asleep at the opera or something, and then Ino's gonna give it to me, and there won't be anything pink colored involved either."_

As was Naruto's want in these situations, he mentally summed up his situation and described it in the good old. "I'm so dead." Picking up a package he'd gotten at a store near Waterfall village, he moved over to the door, waiting for her to arrive. It didn't take long.

When the knock came, he waited until he'd counted to four slowly, and then opened the door. The date before with Tenten had sort of prepared him for the fact that his old friends had grown up. Unfortunately, that didn't mean that he was ready for one of the best seductresses of his age group. Ino had, as they say, gone to town, with a purple, off the shoulder gown. It didn't glitter so much as gleam, and was obviously cut for a night at the opera house. She'd also put on heels, white elbow long gloves and, Kami help him, a tiara like headband.

"_Come on, say something, polite, a-hmm-oh yeah, a greeting. Hurry__!"_

"H-h-h-h-hi Ino."

"Good evening Naruto."

"_Yay, go me saying hello first!"_

"Would you like to come in?"

"Yes, thank you. Hello Akane-san."

"Good evening Ino-san. All set?"

"Pretty much. Well have to go soon, we've reservations in thirty minutes."

"Oh, then you should leave right away, just a moment please." With that, Akane pulled Naruto aside.

"Okay, just give her the present during the dinner, after the main course but before dessert if you can make it." She instructed him in a whisper.

"Well then, you two head off and have fun, see you later Naruto-otouto."

"Later nee-chan. Let's go Ino."

With that they were off, and Naruto's next lesson started immediately. "I didn't know you had a sister, isn't she from Suna? Do you live together? How did you get such a big house?"

* * *

A/N: Yes, My wicked ways have taken over again, as another hottie joins the fray. What does she want, money? Power? Raw, hot, steaming-My nose!

Err, right. Let's try again.

Yes, it's another date getting started as an ending, gonna have to figure out another kind of cliffie for you. I know many of you are hungry for ninjaness and cool jutsus, while some of you have trained hard and being doublehanded (perverts) and want those juicy lemons.

Me, I haven't got any intention of letting this fic run away with me, so bear with the romace and sappiness (I _am_ writing for my own sake after all.) while the plot will develop off stage for now. Don't worry, there will most likely be some nice action scenes, as well as infuriating and often missleading clues as to just what the **** is going on. Please keep dropping off remarks that make me want to get batter, (oh, I'm getting hungry)-er bettter, and if anyone knows someone who knows someone who once shared a flat with someone that might want to beta this for me, please ask them nice to look this over.

Till the next update. (Whenever that will be)

Ja ne.


	8. Afterparty battles

disclaimer: I own all your bases, but not Naruto.

A few replies to friendly reviewers.

**Demonkid: **I hope there will be some more fighting, but don't expect anything epic for a while, I find the anime/manga way of battling sort of silly. "I'm almost defeated, but I'll remember why I'm fighting and suddenly surpass myself and beat you." The part about fighting in Narutoverse that I find really entertaining is the possibility of outsmarting rather than outpowering the opposition. So, that's what I'll be aiming for. Of course, those kind of battles require a bit of thought, hence the battles being short and brutal so far.

**Elemental Dragon Swordman: **I'm glad you think that.

**Fuyuriku:** Well, as long as you can keep reading, I think I'll be happy anyways.

**Some comments may be found at the bottom. Or not.**

**

* * *

****Afterparty battles**

"Man, I didn't know that opera could be like that!" Ino looked at her escort, unsure of just what he meant. He'd been pretty good she supposed, sitting still and at least pretending to be attentive for most of the performance. At least after the first act. He'd been a bit edgy before that, confusion quickly turning to boredom. They were after all performing in the original language, which in hindsight might make it a bit too difficult for an uneducated teen like Naruto to appreciate. And Turandot wasn't a light weight either.

"Would you mind explaining what you mean?" She wasn't certain, but it might just that the old saying about opera was true. Either you loved it or you hated it.

"Well ,first I couldn't understand what it was about, and sometimes they were screaming like they had a stomach ache, but once I understood the story it got better." He rubbed the back of his head looking slightly embarrassed. "Didn't know you could put so much feeling into singing." They kept on walking, the oppressive heat of the day had mellowed into a pleasantly warm evening. She'd insisted on going back to the apartment, wanting to change before they headed out again.

"Wait a minute, how did you get what it was about? You weren't reading anything during the performance, were you?"

"Na, I just sent of a couple of kage bunshin to read up on what the story was, and then I met up with them in the pauses so they wouldn't dispel while I was watching. I sometimes pass out if there's a lot of information to take in."

Ino stared at him, unable to contain her surprise. "What, kage bunshin can do that? How does it work?"

"Ah, sorry operational secret you know. Soooo I caaaaan't teeeell." He answered, finishing in an annoying singsong voice.

"Oh please Naruto, want could be the harm in telling little old me?" If he wanted to play, she'd show him exactly how good she was at this game. She knew he'd be on his guard right now, but if she gave it a bit of time, he'd tell her anything she wanted. Right now she settled for looking at him with big, pleading eyes, strategically using her arms to push her chest up a bit. Which she'd claim was pure coincidence of course. This was a pretty obvious technique, but if he thought she would be this obvious all the time, she'd win in the end.

Naruto had unfortunately decided to look away at that moment, which made her moves rather ineffective. "Last time I looked you were a trained kunoichi, telling you anything at all is pretty much tempting fate, and I've got enough trouble to handle without going off looking for more."

She smirked, hearing a subtle challenge in his words. "Well, maybe trouble will come looking for you. Our date isn't over yet, you know." She could hear him mutter something, before turning his head towards her, a wide grin stretching his features.

"Well, I suppose I'll just have to treat you so well that you forget all about those boring things. Of course I've been planning something like that all along, but you keep refusing to tell me where we're going after this."

"My, aren't you the confident one. I think all those girls you've been playing with while travelling has addled your brains, or do you think I'll be that easily charmed?" She grinned right back at him. "Remember that I'm the one trained in seduction here, don't expect me to just roll over and ask you to rub my belly because you know how to behave in polite society."

"Why would I rub your belly? You're not a dog." Then sudden look of confusion on Naruto's face gave Ino pause, as she realized that there was such a thing as honest, natural charm. She hadn't felt the need to squeal about cute things, or anything else for that matter, since Sasuke left in search of power. Now she found herself hard pressed to keep a straight face. He looked absolutely adorable, blue eyes wide and innocent, lips slightly parted and a small frown creasing his forehead. And his voice! Somehow he managed to completely lose the tone of grown-up mocking and revert to the thirteen year old clueless boy that he'd been before leaving on his three year long training trip.

"Well, what do you call a female dog?"

"A bit-, err, you know."

"Yup, exactly. I'm just saying that I am not going to be your, "female dog", just because of one nice date." Her grin turned a bit feral. "I might have you be mine though."

"Aww, come on Ino, I never meant it like that. Besides, I don't think I'd ever talk about any girl as being my bitch. A few guys, sure, but that's for fighting." He looked a bit annoyed, and then his eyes narrowed." Hey, hold on now, didn't you say that one date wouldn't be enough?"

"Yup." She replied, wondering what he was aiming at.

"Hm, so how many dates would it take then?" When her cheeks turned a bit red, he simply chuckled. "Wow, I hope you don't leave openings like that when you're fighting. That was almost too easy, you know."

"Shut up!" Now it was Ino's turn to get annoyed. This was not how it was supposed to go. "_That's it, he's gonna get it later."_

Just then they arrived at Ino's apartment. She let him in, telling him to help himself to any refreshments he'd like, and disappeared behind a door to change.

He sat down in the living room, a glass of water in his hand. The flat was definitely owned by females. One was interested in art and culture, there were a couple of what he suspected was modern paintings and a magazine about design on the coffee table. The other was probably a medic. There was a small library of medicine literature and a few folders with the stamp of Konoha's hospital on it. He'd have to ask, but he'd be willing to bet quite a bit on Sakura being the flat mate.

He let his mind drift, trying to make sense of the time since coming back to Konoha. It seemed like a lot had happened, keeping him from asking some rather pointed questions. He'd had thought that he'd return months earlier, when Jiraiya suddenly declared that their schedule had been changed. Then he determined Naruto's primary elemental affiliation to be wind, using a special type of paper, and together they'd worked on a few different uses for that combat oriented element. Then they had returned to Suna, and he'd been thrust into the role as diplomat and special envoy of Konoha to Suna, while the appointed representative returned home for rest and consultation.

Man that had been a crazy month. He'd spent most of the journey away from other people, training, meditating and studying. Jiraiya even shopped for supplies to keep him away from anything more densely populated than a tiny hamlet. The only exceptions had been some of the missions and when he had to go recover his irresponsible sensei. Then Tsunade had decided that a training obsessed recluse was the perfect stand in for Konoha's most important foreign diplomat. If he hadn't missed seeing Gaara and the others of the Sand, he'd probably refused outright.

Seeing as how he felt both kinship and a strange sense of responsibility for his fellow jinchuuriki, he'd accepted with the usual good grace of someone who knows that they're being strong armed by their own conscience into making a bad decision. "I'll give it three days, then we go back to training!" It had of course just been a way to cover his retreat. Jiraiya (and in extension, Tsunade) knew he'd never abandon a job half done. And the Sabaku family had done everything they could to help him along. Their assigning Akane as his liaison and unofficial aide had been one of the good parts.

The large number of official meetings, dinners and celebrations had not.

He was jerked out of his thoughts by the sound of a door opening, and he managed to stand up in time to see Ino entering the room. Which proved to be a good reason to stand up. He knew she was around his age, but the fact that she was wearing what she'd referred to as party clothes didn't seem to take away from her being a lady. Because a girl could never get away with wearing a dress like that, smooth black hugging a still maturing figure. Excepting thin straps, it started with an impressively seductive cleavage, left a hole centered on the navel and ended a bit too high up the knees for him to keep his pulse down. She'd also donned the gift he'd bought for her, a set of earrings and matching necklace worked in silver and adorned with various blue colored gems.

She smiled at him, walked up close, put her hand under his chin and lifted it up, closing his mouth. "I'm so glad you like this old rag of mine, but it's not polite to stare you know."

Naruto did an imitation of a goldfish for a few seconds, then blurted out the first thing that popped into his head. "Wow." Realizing that he wasn't sounding all that smooth, he decided to try and think before talking. "Is it legal to look that good?" Well, at least he tried.

Ino merely raised an eyebrow. "Don't really care, is there something you'd like to complain about? Should I go change?"

"No! Eheh, please, you look awesome. I'm just worried about getting stampeded by all the guys that'll wanna talk to you."

"Oh, that won't be a problem where we're going. Do you promise to pay for us getting in?"

"Huh? Sure, I promise, but where are we heading?"

"That's for me to know and for you to wonder about. Shall we get going then?" She led the way out into the street, hooked her arm around his and started walking toward the entertainment district. They spent the walk talking, Ino returning to the impressive rapid fire gossiping mode she'd entered during the walk to the restaurant. And during most of the dinner. And walking to the opera house. And during the pauses. And the thing that sort of stood out was that, no matter how much she talked, there was very little being said. He didn't really know a lot of the people she was talking about, he didn't care about the scandals happening in the higher strata of civilian society and he'd personally protected more royalty than you can easily shake a fist full of kunai at. They didn't impress him all that much anymore.

At the same time, she'd barely mentioned anything about a certain Uchiha missing nin, hadn't talked about any current operations or recent missions or even what most of their mutual friends were doing, although he'd managed to pick up that Shino was somehow involved in research and Shikamaru worked on mission planning. And Sakura hadn't had a date since he'd left, which was neither a surprise nor of much interest to him. He knew exactly what he'd promised at the hospital three years ago, and what he'd have to give up if he succeeded. Well, now he did at least. Before, he hadn't really considered the consequences. Of failure, or success.

Strangely enough it was an old text he'd come across when reading up on old chemistry, or alchemy as it was called. Some of it was almost esoteric, but at the core was actually a belief, which had made sense at the time. Something for something, nothing for nothing. If one gains, another loses. And in a flash of insight, he'd realized that, whether true or not otherwise, that was exactly what his promise to get Sasuke-teme home meant. He succeed, he loses any hope of winning Sakura. He fail, well, he'd have to be dead to admit defeat. It was effectively a case of 'damned if I don't, damned if I do'.

And he was very much a doer at heart.

So he'd resigned himself to Sakura being a lost cause. Not because he liked giving up, but because he hated it. The only thing he'd hate more was to let her down by failing to return their errant friend. It had in certain ways made life easier. Don't think about love and life after Akatsuki, because his chance at surviving was low enough without distractions anyway. Just take all that pent up frustration, guilt, sorrow and anger and push it into training. Use it in the best way possible and become so strong that no doors would remain closed. Then bring that idiot back, no matter what, give them their happy ever after if you had to force them, and then, well. He hadn't gotten that far yet, but he was certain something would pop up.

Oh, yeah, like Akatsuki. Maybe he could get his hands on Itachi before Sasuke did, remove his limbs and offer him as a bribe. Then again, Sasuke might be a bit peeved if he didn't get to fight his brother and use that hard earned power. Maybe he could be something like a wedding gift?

"Oi, Naruto, are you listening?" Ino's question managed to penetrate his thoughts, the tone of voice indicative of how his good health was depending on his answer.

"Sorry Ino. I guess I kinda drifted off for a second there. Things have been happening so quickly lately. What were you saying?"

"That we're almost there, it's that place." She pointed out a club a bit further down the street. "Now, remember that you promised to pay our way in right?"

"Uhu, I did. Um, did you just point to _that_ place?"

"Yup."

"And why would we be going there? It doesn't look like a place you'd enjoy."

"Well, one of my cousins is getting married, and we're holding her bachelorette party there."

"A strip club? Why did you rent that place for a party like that?"

"Well, she has a lot of friends and relatives, mostly singles, and wanted everyone to enjoy themselves. That's why I brought you by the way."

Naruto suddenly got the urge to start running. Fast and far, far away. "What do you mean?"

Ino smiled the kind of smile that Orochimaru had spent hours in front of a mirror to acquire. "Well, I read about your trip with Jiraiya, and then I heard that you'd actually danced for strippers to get out of paying. So I figure you're pretty good at it, and I sort of promised to get a male stripper for the party, and well, you're it."

"Let me guess, you bought clothes instead of hiring a professional."

"Well, you do like my dress right?"

"How many are there gonna be in there? And can I use kage bunshin?"

"Well, somewhere between sixty and seventy I reckon, and I suppose you can get some bunshins to do the serving, but the dancing will be all you. I don't want the dancer to dispel mid dance."

Naruto, wondering just what sick asshole had put him in such a ridiculous position, decided to grin and bear it. A promise was always a promise. "Of course, there will be slaps and such, right?"

"Well, I know my aunts and cousins. There will be sake and such in there, and unless Tenten was trying to wind us girls up you haven't been training that body of yours for nothing these last few years. So yes, there will be slapping, caressing, groping, fondling and possibly a bit of ravishing. Just make sure to start off with a lap dance for the bride to be, okay?" The fact that she was smiling sweetly during the whole of that little speech was even more chilling than what she had actually said. "After all, I wouldn't want for you to get kidnapped and tied up somewhere before the girl we're celebrating gets her share."

"You- Are- Freaking- Me- Out-" Naruto had actually gone a bit pale, and he could feel sweat starting to gather on his back.

"Hey, I'm just giving you a heads up. Aunt Izanami hasn't done anything naughty for at least six months. She's probably getting tired of controlling herself." By then they had arrived to the club, a large sign proclaiming the place to be rented out for a private party and two large, non-humorous looking bouncers had apparently been hired to help anyone analphabetic. When Ino explained who she was and why Naruto was allowed in, they smiled, none to friendly and gave him that look that said 'better you than me'.

Naruto promised himself not to promise things so easily in the future.

"Naruto, please promise me you'll do this right, okay?"

"Sure Ino." Then he slapped himself. "_Damn, so much for that promise."_

**

* * *

****Meanwhile, Konoha research center**

Shino was done for the day. Well, evening really, but he didn't mind. The experiment was proceeding well ahead of the projected schedule. Hopefully it would mean a practical application before the end of the next month. The area of sealing techniques was unexplored territory, most of the knowledge kept within the minds of a few masters. Even the most simple ones, used every day for storage, secrecy and blowing things up, where more a work of imitation than off understanding. Unless something unexpected occurred, they would be able to start building seals from scratch soon, even long term consequences known beforehand. And of course, the possibility of undoing seals without having to rip it forcefully from the body was an enticing one.

Jiraiya, walking by his side, had been instrumental in speeding up their research. Shino wasn't certain of why, but the man had taken a vested interest in freeing the kunoichi Mitarashi Anko from her curse seal. He'd refused to comment, and Shino didn't really care. The things they would be able to do once this knowledge moved into the realm of documented and verified science, instead of the half religious one it had belonged to before, were almost unimaginable. It was almost enough to make him skip down the hall, and the slightest of smiles creased his lips. Almost two years of frowned upon, low budget research in a tiny one person office, sharing with two others of course, was paying off beyond anyone's expectations.

Priority would be given to understanding the medical seals first, and the removal of seals. Orochimaru's hobby of forcing seals onto anyone with even a pinch of talent or unusual skill had led to the elemental nations being overrun by unstable, overpowered maniacs. The Aburame clan was being tasked with most of these missions, as their chakra draining ability gave them the ability to safely disable the walking disasters that were Orochimaru's abandoned experiments. Over twenty had been captured and put in special holding cells. Soon, they should be able to remove the seal, and with a bit of luck they'd not only gather more information on Orochimaru and his operations, they'd also gain a few useful new recruits. They had a standing agreement to return all citizens they found from Kaze and Nami, but the rest were fair game for recruitment.

The information was more important however. Amongst other things, they still didn't know why Orochimaru had decided to just release all these people. Oto had been extremely difficult to gather information in before, but the last half year or so had seen the country turn into a veritable suicide run, borders closed up tight. All sources of information had either died, disappeared or left the country. Rumors abounded of some kind of rebellion, or attack. Possibly even civil war.

The lack of information was grating on everyone's nerves. They currently had better knowledge of the Akatsuki than the Hokage's old teammate, and the shadowy organization had never bothered with attacking the village directly. Not knowing what the deranged snake lover was up to had increased the numbers of stress related sick days to new highs among the ones tasked with ensuring the safety of the village.

Shino was grateful that his job wasn't as stressful, or annoying.

"So, how long do you think you can keep Naruto from chasing after Sasuke? If I know him right Akatsuki's just an annoying side event compared to bringing back the Uchiha."

Jiraiya shrugged. "That's Tsunade's problem now, but I've been receiving some interesting pieces of information lately, which points to him being kept occupied for quite some time. Luckily it seems like Akatsuki has been running into some kind of problem, although I still don't know what kind. I'm expecting them to resume hunting soon however, they have some of the most powerful missing-nins in the elemental countries in their ranks after all. I can't see anyone standing against them for too long."

"What about Orochimaru?"

"Well, I suppose he could take one or even two of them on by himself, but Akatsuki has a whole bunch of S-class individuals. I seriously doubt that they'd willingly deplete each others' resources before they've dealt with at least a few of the larger villages." They both stepped though the last security checkpoint, heading toward the facility's entrance.

"I suppose you're right, but the chaos in Oto does seem suspicious. The chances of both happening at the same time without being connected seem slim to me."

"I agree. There is probably a connection, but until we get something solid I'd rather not jump to conclusions. There just might be a third player involved, although I should have heard about it if there were."

"Indeed, the skills and resources required to move against either or possibly both without us finding out something would suggest a much worse threat than we believed Akatsuki to be."

"That's why I'll have to get moving again soon. Tsunade will need something to go on if we're to take the initiative. Good luck with the experiments until then." By now they were outside, and Jiraiya set off towards the Hokage's tower.

"Thank you, and good luck yourself." With that, Shino turned and walked off as well, heading home.

After they were gone, four shadowy figures left cover in a few nearby trees and headed towards the research building. They had several objectives, but the number one was to remain undetected.

**

* * *

**

**One a.m. central Konoha**

"Ahh, crazy woman! Get away from me!" Naruto was running along one of the walls, an older Yamanaka hot on his heels. He'd been smart enough to cover his face while embarrassing himself, almost bringing his life to a point as low as when he'd accidentally kissed Sasuke, which still held pride of place among his most-disturbing-moments-of-my-life. It hadn't been topped by anything yet, despite Jiraiya using him as a commodity for paying for "research". Taking a chidori through the chest was nothing compared to what the old super pervert had put him through.

"Shut up and stop running! I won't bite! At least not hard, unless you want me to!" The woman, whom Ino had called aunt just before the hunting had begun, was grinning in a way that would make any predator proud, apparently including the dozen or so women who were enthusiastically shouting encouragement at the not-very-sober-at-all kunoichi. He'd normally be thrilled having this much attention, but these women were starting to scare him.

Naruto had quickly learnt not to look for help among the crowd, as the motherly woman he'd tried hiding behind at first almost caught him in wire. Then he'd learnt that shouts were a lot more preferable to the various other things that were being thrown his way, in an attempt to trip him up. At least he hoped so, a few had come a bit too close for comfort. Why he'd decided to saunter out into the lounge after the "show" was something he would be asking himself for quite some time after this, provided he got out with his clothes on. He'd almost lost his mask within seconds, and hadn't had a chance to keep his shirt, although the tie for some reason had stayed around his neck.

"Is it too much to ask to just sit down and talk? What happened to romance and getting to know each other during late night walks?" He wasn't sure just what the hell was going on. He'd been able to evade or confound jounin after one of his pranks, and here was this older, well, sort of anyway, kunoichi who for some reason was able to look straight through his attempts at subterfuge. _"How the hell did she see through that genjutsu? She's drunk for crying out loud!"_

"Sorry, romance is for teens, us mature women are more interested in action!" She and a few others unleashed another barrage of weapons at him. He dodged most of them, but four senbon needles embedded themselves in his left calve, making him give off a sound halfway between a whimper and a rather animalistic yip. It seemed like the stress were bringing out some of the fox in him. That might turn a mildly annoying and embarrassing situation into something drastically much worse. Quite a few of the people watching the impromptu chase would be old enough to know who he really was if they stopped to think about it, and he really didn't want to turn the party into a panic fest.

"Ino, for Kami's sake, do something!" He could feel anxiety oozing off of him. So could some of the Inuzukas as well, as at least two of the dog crazy clan joined in, one heading him of and the other joining the aunt in chasing him.

Ino almost managed to get her laughter under control, before realizing that there were now three women trying to capture and possibly molest her date. A small voice, Conscience, was trying to say something about how she probably should help him, but it was outvoted by the voices known as Drunk, Happy and Evil, eagerly cheered on by Horny and Pervert. She would probably stop things from going too far, but this was the kind of stuff you'd usually read about in one of the Icha Icha books. "Go Naruto!" Was all the support he'd get for now.

"_Damn all women and their weirdness. Guess I'll have to get a bit serious." _Naruto brought up his hands, making three kage bunshin pop out alongside him. They threw themselves at the hunting women, slowing them down. Two of them got dispelled, while the last one fell to the floor. Shortly after their target was brought down, only to literally go up in smoke. They stood dumbfounded for a few precious seconds, before whipping around and starting towards the main exit, locking on to the mop of blonde hair moving as fast as only a deer or a young man can move during hunting season.

After the not so stable women had chased the figure out of the club and up into the world of roofs that was "topside" Konoha, Naruto carefully looked up from his hiding place behind Ino. Incredibly, no one had noticed him crouching behind the table. He hoped the clone would last long enough for him to convince Ino that it was time to leave.

"Hey Ino, where did you find that hot piece of ass?" Naruto quickly ducked back down, not wanting to get caught again. The speaker was one of the extended family of Ino's.

"Oh, Naruto is a Konoha shinobi, he's just been out of the village for a few years." Ino smiled. "He has changed a lot though, he used to be about as useless as a bottomless bucket. I mean, sure, some shinobi are a bit weird, but who has ever heard of a ninja dressed in orange?"

The woman looked a bit shocked. "Wait, you mean that guy is Uzumaki Naruto? Are you sure?" At that, the conversations nearby faltered, and Ino found herself under scrutiny from a lot of the older women present. Most looked baffled, a few angry or disgusted.

"Yeah, that's right. But how do you know him? And why is it so strange?"

"Ah, well, see." The woman faltered and another interjected. "He's not a good person you know, you should stay away from him! I heard he's been taking advantage of women ever since he came back to Konoha!"

Ino blinked at that. Sure, Naruto looked good enough to chain to a bed for a weekend or so, but the idea of _him_ taking advantage of women was ludicrous, not to mention that he came back two days earlier. Just how many women can you seduce in forty-eight hours? "Oh, and where did you pick up this information? I've known him since the academy, and although his a bit dim, I'm positive he'd never take advantage of anyone, not to mention that Hokage-sama would rip his head off and go bowling with it if he so much as considered doing something improper." Her eyes grew colder as she kept on defending her date.

"Um, well, he did a lot of pranks before-"Ino cut the woman off before she got any further.

"So what, that was years ago, and I'm positive even those of you that are civilians know that he's been off training with one of the Sannin for three years. Sorry, but you're gonna have to do better than those tired old tales. _Why _do you _really_ think he's so bad?"

Ino was surprised when the older women all turned apprehensive, well those that hadn't started looking nervous as soon as they heard Naruto's full name. Finally one of them, after several shared glances, started talking. "Well, it's not something that we can talk about. Just trust us that there are reasons for our advising caution regarding the Uzumaki boy."

Ino was starting to look pissed, so Naruto decided to intervene before they had a falling out over him. He'd hoped that he wouldn't be the party pooper of the evening, but that hope certainly seemed foolish right now. Standing up while pulling down his mask, and thoroughly startling those that had been part of the argument, he stared at them. After a few seconds of gauging their reactions he decided that it might be best to do something, and so directed his gaze at the young bride-to-be. "Yamanaka-san, I wish you well in your future marriage. I'm afraid that I've outlasted my welcome here, so I should probably leave. Ino-chan, you're free to stay if you want, I won't hold it against you."

Ino was not satisfied however. "Hold on now, I still haven't heard what the big issue is. And don't tell me you're going to let this silly slandering slide."

"If you'd like, we can discuss that on the way back to your place. Or some other day perhaps. "By now pretty much everyone was aware of the discussion, quite a few of the younger women wondering just what the big deal was."Either way I have a long day tomorrow, and it's a bit of a walk from your apartment to my home."

Ino gave him a Look, set her shoulders, crossed her arms and said in a voice that promised that Sakura would be hearing about it later if he didn't spill. "Actually, I want this aired out right here, right now. Something about this smells really badly, so tell me, and all the rest of us who _does not _understand what the fuss is all about." When Naruto looked hesitant, which didn't really suit him, she intensified the Look into a high powered glare. "Now, Naruto."

He deflated, realizing that she wasn't going to back down, and that the Rules for treating your date as laid down by Akane-neechan were crystal about situations like these. "Fine, but there are conditions that you must be made aware of."He exchanged a look with the informal leader of the older women, who already knew what he was about to say. "There is a sixteen year old law, instated by the Sandaime Hokage and ratified by the Godaime, which means that what I am about to tell you may not be shared with anyone who doesn't already know. Breaking the law is a capital offence, punishable only by death, so decide now whether you really need to hear it." At this, several girls fidgeted a bit, but no one moved as if to leave. "Suit yourselves then. The law was put in effect due to the method that the Yondaime used to defeat the Kyuubi demon. Demons in general can never be killed by humans, only contained in various ways. That was what the Yondaime did, exchanging his life to seal away the Kyuubi."

He paused, telling the real story never got any easier, the unanswered questions always returning with a vengeance. He looked at his audience, everyone giving him their full attention. "Unfortunately the Kyuubi was too powerful to be sealed into an object, so the Yondaime used a newborn baby boy to save the village from harm. For some reason he thought that the villagers would treat the boy like a hero." Here he gave the leader a sarcastic smirk. "That was not to be however, and so the Sandaime decided that the boy would need protection. Therefore the law was declared. No one was allowed to inform those too young to understand what had really happened, upon pain of death, that the Yondaime had sealed the Kyuubi into one Uzumaki Naruto."

When he finally said it, he paused again, the room completely silent. No one moved or said anything for a few seconds, so he decided to continue. "So, now you know why most of those who survived the attack all those years ago either resent me or hate me outright. As for just how idiotic it is calling me a playboy, well, that's as obvious as I could ask for. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go home. Enjoy the rest of your evening."

With that he turned away from the crowd and walked out of the room.

It took Ino all of two seconds to realize that he'd actually left, before she looked around helplessly at the women. She started saying something, stopped herself and then shrugged. She didn't need to talk to them right now, she needed to talk to Naruto. And to do that, she had to find him, which hopefully wouldn't be too hard. Moving as if in a daze, she turned and chased after him, leaving without so much as a word.

The party stayed quiet for another few seconds, before the crowd started buzzing like a hive. This development required a lot of answering.

While a part of Konoha's alleged future started tearing into their elders, Ino was hurrying down the street she believed that Naruto had taken on his way home. She couldn't quite run, but that wasn't a problem. Standard shinobi conduct required a minimum of chakra usage within the village in general, and the "civilian" quarters especially. She was reasonably sure that he was moving at a slow pace, and if necessary she'd even knock on his door. Reasoning thus she headed down an alley, hoping to head him off.

That meant that she missed the three shadows following her, as well as the blue eyes watching from a shadowy corner. Those blue eyes followed the movements, then blinked once before following. There seemed to be an unusual amount of moving shadows tonight.

Ino had been moving along at a decent speed, remembering that she wasn't really dressed for a high speed pursuit intercept. After a few blocks, she realized that her elevated pulse was not only due to chasing the sexiest demon in the elemental countries. Someone was following her, and although she had learnt a lot the last few years, she still couldn't sense chakra signatures to the extent where she could pinpoint the number of pursuers, their strength or exact position in relation to herself. At least until they started powering up jutsus.

She realized that she was in trouble, carrying almost no weapons and being a support fighter at best. After a few seconds she recognized one of the signatures, an unpopular chuunin that had been making passes at her before. He also had a reputation of enjoying violent missions more than most, and aggravating collateral damage. Or civilian casualties as it was also known. At three different occasions, as far as she knew, the medic ordered to assist his team had reported being hindered to assist wounded innocents. That had always been excused with the necessities of executing mission directives.

His constant hounding of her had not. And now he was closing in, with support. And she was alone.

She felt rather than saw the three men landing in a standard triangle formation, cutting off all escape routes. Not surprisingly, the prize bastard had decided to land in front of her. He seemed certain that she couldn't get away this time, and unless a miracle happened, she'd be in the deep end before long. That was of course nothing that she could admit to.

"Hi Ino-_chan. _Wow, you're looking mighty fine." The bastard was leering at her, a sure fire sign that he thought he had all the cards.

"Kentaro. Haven't seen you around for a while, did Tsunade run out of border patrols for you?" She knew that this was ending badly baring a divine intervention

"Now, now, Ino-chan. Me and my friends have been doing that three months straight, so we figured that you'd help us relax after a job well done." His leer was becoming insufferable at this point, but the worst part was that she probably couldn't do anything about what was about to happen.

"Sorry, but I'm feeling kind of tired. I'd prefer to go home and get a few hours sleep."

"Aw, too bad, but I expect that's what happens when you're whoring yourself out to the demon of Konoha. Now, I don't really care whether you give it up to him because he pays you or not, but I do think you should be giving it for free to us hard working, honest _human_ Konoha nins. Don't you?"

Surprisingly to herself, that put some fire into Ino. "Don't you dare talk about Naruto like that!" She hissed, death evident in her voice. For some reason, the idea of him being put down just wasn't going to be accepted this evening.

"Bitch, there are three of us, all chuunin. Just shut up and don't put up a fight, and maybe we won't hurt you." She didn't have to see it, to know he was angry, as were the two others moving in from her flanks. Even if she managed to put up a fight, there was no real doubt about the result.

Thankfully, that was all the danger she'd be subjected to that night, as the four nins suddenly felt a fifth presence joining in. This one was as subtle as a slow poison, until suddenly an intent to kill flared outwards, while the body was outlined by a powerful red chakra overflow.

**"Strangely enough, I can't help but feel that I should rend you sons of goats limb from limb. Do you have _any _reason for me not to do that? No? Aw, too bad then." **The voice issuing from the new arrival was inhumanly deep, and lined with a thirst for blood. The voice was nothing to the oppressive atmosphere issuing forth from the shadow cloaked newcomer however, and it was turning everyone nearby pale with fright.

Before Kentaro and friends were able to answer, the figure was moving. A vortex of wind shaded chakra was gathering along his right arm even as he disappeared from sight. It was obviously both effective and deadly, as it shattered a hastily raised kunai in the hand of the nin to Ino's right, before continuing into the shoulder of his first target.

"Demon bastard!" Was all the other unknown shinobi had time to say, before an oversized tongue whipped out from the shadows and pulled the unlucky assailant from his feet. A forlorn scream of terror was cut off by a rather grisly, meat cleaving sound. And then only one of her stalkers was still standing.

That was not to last for long, as a cry of **"Rasengan" **declared the formation of one of the most powerful non elemental jutsus known in Konoha. Then a blue swirl of power was hurtling through the night, obliterating a hastily formed doton shield before powering into and seriously injuring the immoral chuunin standing before her.

The whole "battle" had lasted all of a few seconds, and it was obvious that if the suddenly motionless blonde had been serious, Tsunade would have been forced to replace three border guarding chuunins. Bad hygiene optional.

Ino stared at her date with awe. She knew intellectually that he'd spent the last three years training under one of the legendary sannin. She also knew that he'd been prohibited from attending any chuunin exams. Seeing firsthand the reality of just how powerful an apprentice of the Sannin could be when provoked was something else entirely.

Suddenly she realized that she was wishing that she didn't have a "one-date-rule". Not only had he jumped in to protect her like the proverbial knight in shining armor. He'd done so flawlessly, embarrassing a total of three veteran chuunin and even being able to hide his presence enough to surprise them all. This feat should be impossible for anyone with less skill than a mid jounin, and he'd done it like it had been natural.

There would definitely be a second date if she had anything to say about it.

"Naruto." She couldn't see his face in the gloom, but his posture seemed uncharacteristically demure.

"Sorry Ino, I didn't know you had bloody _stalkers _following you around. Want me to get rid of them?" While he sounded quite remorseful about neglecting her safety, he didn't seem particularly fazed about murdering three shinobi from his own village.

"Um, I don't think Tsunade would be pleased if you killed three of her chuunin."

"Huh? I wasn't talking about doing something quite that final, I just figured that the ANBU trying to keep an eye on me could be put to some use for once."

"Wait, you have ANBU as bodyguards." Ino didn't quite believe what she was hearing. ANBU only ever did the most high profile missions, guarding the village and its leaders, protecting priority targets and generally being a deterrent to crime and disorder. After all, you never knew when one of Konoha's finest was nearby.

Naruto made a motion with his hand, and Ino followed him over to a lonely street lamp. "You heard my story at the club right? I'm keeping the single most powerful entity under lock in my stomach. That's not something that any Kage can ignore, no matter what they think about jinchuurikis otherwise." His gaze was locked onto her own, intense and deadly serious. The usually silly and cute blonde that had annoyed her during her academy days was nowhere in sight, nor was the sweet if clueless young teen that had spoiled her during the entire evening.

Only a cold and merciless shinobi was left.

"Ah, of course. Sorry, it just seem so unreal. I mean, the Kyuubi was something my parents would scare me with when I was little." Almost as soon as she had said it, she realized that it might be the worst possible choice of wording ever. Antagonizing someone who ran around with an avatar of catastrophe sealed inside them wasn't exactly on her to-do list.

Thankfully, Naruto only smiled thinly."Be glad it isn't worse. I could be repeating some of the horrible jokes he likes to pull out." He still wasn't his usual goofy self, but he seemed to be slowly returning to normal at least. Naruto looked away, made a few hand signs that she couldn't see and pointed at her unwanted admirers. ´Then he turned his ice blue gaze back to her. "I'm sorry about ruining the date like this. Let me escort you home so I can sleep easily afterwards, and tomorrow you can pretend this never happened."

Ino stared at him. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Well, I just-"

"Shut it, I won't accept anything other than another date as an excuse good enough for causing that scene back at the club! And who the hell told you that I didn't want to leave together with you anyway?" She was panting at the end of her outburst, realizing that she might have revealed a bit more than she would have liked. Trying to cover up her mistake, she took a half step forward, threw her arms around his neck, and then got into a rather aggressive lip lock. He seemed stunned at first, not being able to follow her mood swings at all. Then he felt her tongue poking at his lower lip, and soon they were involved in a fierce session of tongue wrestling.

Naruto felt his confusion gathering at the back of his mind, queuing up with a bit of wariness at letting his guard down and disbelief at a second person in two days choosing to stay nearby after knowing his secret. Thankfully Ino's kissing was able to override his ingrained cynical reactions, the assault on his lips wiping out anything other than the need to get more of this feeling. He knew that there would be a long talk with Akane later, but right now the pure physical desire was all he wanted to think about.

Naturally, that was when there was an explosion a few blocks away.

* * *

A/N: Yay! Evilness aplenty!. Other than that, this was a bitch of a chapter. Not sure what the problem is really, might be that I find Ino hard to figure out and write well.

As you might have figured out, I find the idea of stealthy assasins screaming out the attack they're about to use so silly that I refuse to use it unless I feel it to be nescessary. Other than that, I just don't think that fighting should take so damn long.

And that will have to do I think, I'm just glad I've moved past this never ending story. Next chapter will probably focus on the new development (ohh, surprise there, NOT) and hopefully bring about a surprise or three.

A bit of constructive critique would be welcome. Till next update (I ain't promising anything).

Ja ne.


	9. Silly reasons

Disclaimer:Not now, not before and not ever will I own Naruto.

Reviews seem few and far between, but they do appear now and then.

Jaeromaru: Well, that was a bit more than bargained for, thanks for the kind words.

EDS: Glad that you liked it. Exercising ones abdominal muscles is important after all.

A few extra words may be hidden at the bottom. Enjoy!

**EDIT:** Having gotten the rather abrupt ending pointed out to me, I've decided to give that part a bit of touching up. I'm pleading temporary insanity caused by lack of sleeping. Thanks goes to EDS and SFBKludge for taking me to task on that rather unworkable ending.

* * *

**Silly reasons**

The sound of the blast had barely passed by before a shockwave whipped past them in pursuit. The debris and dust kicked up by the explosion stung eyes and skin as it smashed into the two blonde ninja. They had both had enough time to throw up their arms, reflexively pushing chakra into their limbs and protecting their vital spots. As the gale died down Naruto stared in the direction of the disturbance. Something was going on down the street, but he couldn't see clearly enough to decipher exactly what. He threw a glance at Ino, checking that she was alright.

Ino wasn't hurt, but her dress was dirty. And torn. And their kissing had been interrupted. All were serious crimes in her book. Naruto didn't know this, but to Ino those were the kind of affronts that, when put together, the perpetrator would regret for the rest of a short, brutalized existence. A vein had started to pulse visibly on her forehead, her eyes were almost literally on fire, and an ominous aura was building up where they were standing. "Naruto." She said, anger obvious in her voice. "Someone must die." Then she took off down the street.

"Crap!" he muttered, following as swiftly as he could. He hadn't spent all that much time with Ino when they were younger, but he knew she had a temper to match Sakura, which most likely meant that caution had taken a backseat to vengeance. She'd need him to watch her back. "Ino, wait up!"

Ignoring the call of her date, Ino sped down the street. Further along she could see a commotion, as several shapes seemed to be embroiled in a fight, one person fighting in the midst of several others. As she got closer, she realized that she knew most of the people involved, and that getting revenge for her dress might not be that easy.

"The *hick* flames of *hick* youth burn brightly wi-wizz-inside us tonight. *Hick*." Standing dead center and held back from causing widespread destruction was an obviously shitfaced Rock Lee. Surrounding him was his old sensei, Guy, his old teammate, Neji, as well as Chouji, Sai and Kiba. The team had been out celebrating the success of their latest mission when they ran into Lee and Guy, who were apparently having some kind of ad hoc therapy session involving tears, hugs and fierce declarations of youth and other nonsense often heard by the dynamic duo. Somewhere along a string of rather confusing events Lee had somehow gotten a bit of alcohol inside his vest and then proceeded to run amok. The Rusty Kunai would need to replace its interior again it seemed, as most of the furniture was spread out in pieces on the street.

"Ahh, such a beau-*hick* tiful flower has joined our *hick* little spar! Wonderful! *Hick*." With that, Lee put up his thumb in Ino's general direction, swaying, smiling and blinking drunkenly. Then Naruto arrived, and Lee's shaky smile widened a bit. "Aha, my old rival *hick* finally dares to show his *hick* face to me! Come Naruto-*hick* kun, let us test how the fires of youth *hick* have helped us grow over the past few years. *hick*" Having finished his declaration, Lee took up an embarrassment of a fighting stance, blinked owlishly once or twice, and promptly fell over and started to snore.

Ino did what everyone else did, stared at the now sleeping form of Rock Lee. "What the hell? How am I gonna get even with him for ruining my dress now?" No one dared to answer as Guy stepped over to his former pupil and picked him up, draping him over a shoulder.

"I thank you for your help my friends, but I should get Lee home and into bed. He'll have a terrible hangover tomorrow. Uzumaki Naruto, it gladdens my heart to see you return to us after your long absence, I trust you have trained hard under Jiraiya-sama? "

"Hi Guy-sensei. Yeah, I'm totally stronger than before!"

"Good! When Lee regains his senses you'll have to spar. Have a nice night you two." And then Guy was gone, taking Lee with him and coincidentally out of reach of the vengeful kunoichi standing next to Naruto.

"Damn it! I'm so gonna force Lee to buy me a new dress."

"Aw, don't worry, you still look good." Naruto said, hoping to console the not-very-well-dressed girl. "Hi guys, how you been?"

"Hiya Naruto, been busy getting taller I see." That came from Kiba, who was busy grinning and showing a pair of rather well developed fangs.

"It is good to see that you are well, Naruto. What are you two doing out this late?" Neji had a small furrow on his forehead, but otherwise didn't display any more emotion than what Naruto could remember was normal for the stoic Hyuuga.

"Me and Naruto have been on a date, and now he's escorting me home, like a _proper _gentleman." Ino replied, answering in Naruto's stead and sending a barb at Kiba at the same time.

"Oh? I thought you were taking Hinata-sama on a date on Wednesday, Naruto." There was definitely a question baked into that statement.

"Oh, I am, tonight it was Ino-chan's turn, that's all."

"What do you mean?" Neji sounded confused, the furrow on his brow deepening as well as gaining a friend.

"Eh, well, I don't really remember what happened, but I apparently accepted more than one date request at Tsunade's party." Ino suddenly began studying her dress intently, which went unnoticed by everyone but Neji. "So I've been booked for every evening up to and including this Saturday." Naruto was grinning his, very own, 'foxy' grin, mischief and innocence in one paradoxal package. He seemed completely oblivious to the fact that most guys would be extremely envious of anyone claiming something like that.

The fact that Neji came from a traditionally-minded clan and was very protective of his cousin went right past the blonde as well.

"What? You're dating six different women?" Neji looked shocked, Kiba envious and slightly impressed, Sai confused and Chouji found a bag of snacks somewhere and started eating to handle a whole bundle of nerves. The big guy was an astoundingly sensitive man, and right now he didn't need his best friend's intellect to know that something terrible was most likely about to happen.

"Oh, no. Seven actually, I took Tenten out yesterday evening." Apparently, no one had managed to warn Naruto of the current social minefields in Konoha, and now he'd managed to jump both feet first into the biggest one. Neji's twitching eye would have been a good clue for anyone looking that running for your life right about now would be a wise, and probably life-saving, move.

"Um, Naruto-"Ino had immediately realized just how many bucket-loads that were about to hit the proverbial fan, and attempted to intercept the potential catastrophe.

Unfortunately, Naruto had used up his current supply of mature consideration for the night, and forged on ahead. "Anyway, how about we meet up tomorrow or something, I should get back home before Akane-chan sends out a search party, she has trouble sleeping alone,"

At that, Neji's eyes actually glazed over. The implication was a bit too much for the rather old fashioned Hyuuga's mind to handle, which accidentally saved Naruto from another near death experience. While the jounin tried to recover from his shock, Ino seized the opportunity and made off with her escort, making certain to keep their speed up. "See you guys later!"

While Neji slowly turned an interesting shade of crimson and Chouji decided to go and have a cold shower, Kiba and Sai exchanged a look. "Eight? The guy is seeing eight girls at the same time?"

"Guess he isn't as dickless as I thought when I first saw him. At least not as much as you are."

"Yeah, that's- hey, what the fuck?!"

* * *

**Next morning, the Hokage's office**

"Someone got into the research center last night."

Tsunade's eyes, having kept up a hint of sleepiness up until then, opened slightly and focused on the speaker. If Aburame Shino felt uncomfortable being under the scrutiny of his Hokage, he didn't show it. Of course, being an Aburame, he'd gotten used to being stared at shortly after enrolling at the academy. The Hokage wasn't glaring anyway, so she probably wasn't angry. At least not with him. He was simply the first one of her various early morning meetings that had said anything half-way interesting. Now she knew why he'd asked Shizune to bypass the waiting list to seeing her.

"Which section? Any losses or damages?"

"They seem to have entered the old archive. We are not certain, but it looks they've been into the files concerning the Yondaime. Nothing was missing or damaged as far as the staff could tell, but some of the files were never properly referenced, so there might be that we're missing something we didn't know we had."

"The Yondaime's files? That doesn't sound good at all. I expect you haven't got any traces or clues as to the identity of the infiltrators?"

"The Inuzuka on duty said they'd used a heavy dose of peppermint to cover their scent, and the ventilation system did the rest. The cameras haven't caught anything of interest and even the chakra traces are too faded to be of use. They, because there must have been more than one person involved, apparently didn't need to use any jutsu that required a large amount of chakra."

"Anything that stands out about their target?"

"One of the archivists said that she got the feeling they were focused on looking into the 'Yondaime's legacy', although it was hard to prove beyond any doubt. I'm not sure what exactly she meant by that, and she couldn't explain what it was either, except that they're a double S-classed group of documents that only the Hokage can access."

Tsunade stared at him. If he was correct, and doubting one of the eccentric workers over at Archives was never a good idea, then a secret that she'd helped keep under cover for more than seventeen years might be about to spill out into the open, or be used by enemies of the village.

She'd have to get Naruto to see her later in the afternoon.

"I see. Were there any signs of them breaking into the Sealing section?"

"None, Hokage-sama. Nor were there any signs of break-ins at any of the other sections. They were obviously very well prepared. They knew what they wanted, where to find it, how to get into and out and how to do it without leaving us with any real clues as to whom they were."

"I suppose I'll have to get Yamato in here later and hear if Danzo has been doing anything suspicious lately."

"You mean like breathing, Hokage-sama?"

"Good point. Let's endeavor to stop him from breathing, shall we?"

* * *

**Meanwhile, the Yondaime's former estate**

"Rise and shine sleepyhead!"

"Ugh, just another five minutes Akane-chan."

"No way! I've got breakfast ready for you and then you need to get ready for meeting your team. Kakashi was adamant that you go over some team formations and plan tactics, as well as discuss who you would like as your fourth team member." Akane hit him with a pillow. "And that's neesan for you, grouchy."

"I can't believe you actually sat up waiting for me. Didn't you trust me to come home at a decent time? And why can't you sleep in your own bed? You're so clingy!"

"Stop procrastinating and move that moneymaker. I wanna go meet up with Temari-chan and do some shopping, and I know I can't leave you with the dishes."

Keeping up a steady stream of complaints, jokes and thinly veiled compliments, the loud pair made their way to the kitchen. As Naruto started wolfing down his breakfast, Akane poured herself a cup of coffee and then one for Naruto. "So, how was last night? Did you get lucky?" Naruto, focused on eating his fill, had enough time to think "_Damn, got me again." _Before spewing out the mouthful of orange juice he'd just drunk, and then start to cough violently. While Akane laughed at her victory, Naruto got his throat under control and started wiping up the mess, grumbling under his breath. "Ha! So that's why you came in so late."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Put a week-old sock in it, _neechan. _I came home late because a lot of stuff happened."

"Uhu, very informative. Now spill. All the hot details, I want something to tease Temari with."

"If you go off and tell her any made-up stories she'll kick your ass. Or worse, my ass." Naruto took a few more bites before continuing. "Anyway, the restaurant was nice, the opera a bit weird but okay I guess, the strip dancing was embarrassing and being chased by a bunch of drunk women scary. Then I got to beat up a few idiots and I also met a few old friends. Oh, and I told Ino about the fox-bastard."

Akane gave him a disgruntled look. "Wow, remind me never to let you tell any stories to kids, you can murder any exciting story. Details toy boy, details. A good story revolves around the small details."

Naruto just groaned, took a sip of coffee and looked out the window. "Go bother Ino about those, she was the one getting all kissy-feely. Damn."

"Aha! So you did good last night after all! Now we're getting somewhere, what happened?"

"Troublesome. Ino was getting accosted by these three guys, so I decided to beat them up a little. I'm guessing she thought that was a good thing, 'cause I barely got two words in before she was all over me." Naruto paused, getting something far-away in his eyes. "It's strange you know, I never thought that something like that could happen even once here, like ever y'know, and now it's happened two nights in a row. Weird."

"Hehe, just wait till tonight. Anko-chan said something about giving you a night to remember."

Naruto suddenly turned pale, dropping the almost empty coffee cup he was holding. "Oh no, Kami help me, tonight it's Anko's turn. What am I gonna do?" Akane thought Naruto was joking at first, but got a bit thoughtful when the boy went and collected some paper and a pen. "Um, okay, I know we went over the basics at the academy. Let's see, 'Last will and testament of Uzumaki Naruto'."

"Naruto, I think you're overreacting, don't you? I mean, how bad can Anko be?"

"I don't know how bad she _can _be, and I don't want to know. It's bad enough with the level of bad I've already endured, I don't need it to get worse! 'I leave my collection of famous ramen tastes through the ages to Sabaku no Gaara, so he can have some decent food and remember his good friend'."Akane started to giggle at that.

"Listen Naruto, you've already been on two dates and you've survived both, right?"

"Yeah, but those girls are relatively safe and sane. That Anko woman is a nut job, what on earth possessed me to say yes to her when she asked?"

"Well gaki, I'd say it was the pills we slipped into your drink at Tsunade's!" Standing in the door of the kitchen like a promise of death by exquisite torture was Anko, wearing her usual getup of not very much fabric at all.

"Uah! Where the hell did you come from? Akane-neechan save me!" Naruto acted instinctively, hiding behind his sort-of-sister.

"Humph, here I let you enjoy to dream of all perverted men on the planet and share your bed for the night, and that is how you act the day after? I'm shocked!" Having delivered that juicy sentence, Anko started to tear up. "Nobody *sob* likes me!"

"Ah come on, don't be like that Anko-san. It's not like you want people to like you anyway. "Naruto frowned." Wait a minute, what do you mean you shared my bed? I thought that was Akane-neechan."

"Oh, she was there too. To be exact, I waited for her to come back to bed, but she didn't, and then when I found her squeezing you like a teddy bear I decided to join in. You know, you're really warm and cozy to cuddle with." Anko had 'miraculously' lost the tears, and now had her usual, slightly maniacal grin back on, coupled with a rather hungry look in her eyes. "Oh, and you're quite good at squeezing too, not even Akane-chan can fondle a girl like that."

By now Naruto was feeling so warm that one should be able to fry eggs on his forehead. Of course, Akane had to seize the opportunity. "Why Naruto-kun, I thought I was the only one you did that with, and now I find you've betrayed me, throwing me aside for the first piece of luscious female flesh to crawl into your bed! I'm shocked, shocked I tell you! You've never fondled _me_." She took a step away from him, and then she also started tearing up, her eyes suddenly huge and moist, lower lip quivering.

"No! Stop it, I didn't want to fondle Anko and I don't want to fondle Akane-neechan!"

"Are you saying I'm ugly? Do you hate me know?"

" Ack! I mean, no, you're beautiful and I'd love to fondle you if- no! You're not getting me that easily. Stop messing with my head." Naruto didn't need a mirror to know he was blushing red like a sun ripened tomato." And you still haven't answered my question Anko-san. What in the shriveled nut sack of Orochimaru are you doing in my home?"

"He's so cute when he's flustered!" Akane decided that control was for other people and caught Naruto in a crushing hug, squealing about 'cute' and 'adorable', and generally hurting Naruto's ears.

Anko walked over to the kitchen table and started inspecting Naruto's breakfast. "Why, Akane-chan invited me of course. You left her all on her lonesome to go off and fondle that other blondie, so I figured I'd come over and repaint your house." She started to nibble on some of his bread.

"Can we please not mention fondling anymore, and why can't you think of a better reason. I mean you're a tokujou, can't you think of something that isn't quite as silly?"

"What would be the fun in that? If I said I simply wanted to keep her company you wouldn't be even a bit annoyed, and we can't have that, can we?" Anko's grin suddenly became far scarier than usual. "Or maybe you would like to know the _details, _hm? Of what we did before you stumbled in through the door? Or maybe you'd like a reenactment?" She started lick some jam from the piece of bread in her hand, giving him a lewd look.

Naruto shivered, his spine tingling with a whole bundle of emotions that he'd rather not look too closely at. "Um, as tempting as that sounds," '_Or not' _He added mentally" I think it's time to go or I'll be late for my meeting. So, uh, where do we meet up for tonight?"

"Oh, I'm not gonna wait for my fun until tonight. I'll be nice though, and give you until after lunch before we start." Now her grin was feral, excitement oozing out of her like sweat.

"Start with what?"

"Why, me trying to hunt you down and catch you of course. Better watch your back this afternoon, I've got a whole pouch of kunai drenched in sedatives, and they all have your name on them. I tag you, I win and get to do whatever I want with you for the rest of the day. You get away, I'll let you have a say too."

"Okay, you're crazy, you know that? What's to stop me from telling baa-chan about your silly game?"

"What, you afraid gaki?" She walked up to him, getting in his face and trying to stare him down.

"No way, you just try to catch me." Naruto paused. "I just walked right into that one, didn't I?"

"Yup, thanks for being predictable gaki. I'm gonna head off now, see you later!"

"Bye, Anko-chan, thanks for coming here last night." Akane had a small smile on her lips, like she was enjoying a joke Naruto couldn't understand.

"Anytime, sweet cheeks, I had lots of fun. Bye!" And then the volatile snake-mistress was gone, courtesy of a shunsin jutsu.

"I can't believe you've become friends with that crazy woman. Hell, I can't believe that she can actually befriend anyone. The only person I know that's scarier is Orochimaru, and that guy looks like a walking porcelain doll with a snake for a father and is attracted to young boys. She's scary purely by the way she behaves."

"Oh, but I've met Anko-chan before while on a mission, so we didn't really need to waste time on getting to know each other. And trust me; she can be _very_ friendly when she feels like it. You just have to give her a chance to show it."

"But you didn't mention that you knew her before, why?"

"Because I wanted to be certain that she wanted to see me again. It's complicated so you can save your questions."

"Remind me to ask you about that if I'm still alive this time tomorrow." Naruto furrowed his brow, thinking hard. "Didn't she let something slip before?"

"Huh? She did? When?"

"I don't know, exactly. We were talking and she interrupted us."

"Oh, yeah, you wondered what had possessed you to accepting all of these dates."

"Yes! And she said-"Naruto's eyes widened."No, she couldn't have been serious about that, right?"

"About what? She only said- oh my!" Akane's eyes widened as well, as she also remembered the first thing Anko had said when entering the kitchen.

"Do you think she was serious? I mean, spiking a guy's drink like that, why would anyone do that?"

"Oh, I can think of a few reasons, you stud you. Just be glad that I kept an eye on you that evening. I don't think you'd have been happy waking up with someone, or some ones, you don't remember going to bed with."

Naruto shuddered. "Well, I survived that. Now the part that's really worrying me is the 'we'. Who are 'we'? And what do 'we' want with _me_?"

"I'd guess at least one more of the girls at the party, and considering the number of them that asked you for a date, well, who knows how many are involved. I suggest you keep an eye on your drink and food from now on."

"Yeah, 'cause it won't be a bit awkward to turn down one of my dates when they want to buy me a drink. This is so not gonna end well."

Akane stood silent for a little while, then shook herself, allowing a small smile to show." Kami, you Konoha shinobi have to be the weirdest people I've ever met."

"Well, it keeps things interesting I guess."

"Yeah, but isn't there a saying about living in interesting times?"

"Yeah, it's used as a curse. I guess the whole village has been thoroughly jinxed then, 'cause I can't remember when we didn't have an interesting time in Konoha."

"At least it doesn't get boring."

* * *

"_I have an IQ of over two hundred."_

"Shikamaru-kun, do you prefer hair done up or let down? What color should it be? Should it be straight or curly?"

"_I can think over fifty moves ahead in shogi."_

"What's your favorite food? What's your favorite topping on dango? What do you prefer to drink with dango?"

"_I am entrusted with the most secret and strategically important mission planning. The Hokage trusts me and Akira to piece together all the little pieces of information Konoha can get its hands on and use it to prepare us for a possible war."_

"Are you really as smart as everybody keeps saying? You don't look smart, are you really good at disguises too? Can you change colors like a chameleon? What's your favorite animal?"

"_So what in the five elemental nations possessed me to bring three troublesome women with me on a two day journey to Suna? Has Chiyo done something to me to turn me into a masochist?"_

"Shikamaru-kun!" The fact that the three kunoichi yelled his name in perfect sync, employing the same, troublesome, whining tone, brought home the point that the girls indeed were what was known as 'True-sisters'. The term came from the village of their birth, Bamboo, which he didn't know very much about. True-sisters were apparently not necessarily siblings, although that happened, but bonded themselves with those they felt that they wanted a lifelong relationship with. This bond could apparently involve a male partner at some point, although Shikamaru was hazy at the details.

He did know that there was a saying about three True-sisters, which was rare, rather than the usual two. He couldn't remember the words, but the meaning had been one that could be translated into one of his most earnest 'troublesome'. They had been on the road for less than two hours, barely reaching the first civilian settlement along the way, and he was already contemplating the plusses and minuses of going rouge, or slitting his wrists.

He muttered something inaudible.

"What was that Shikamaru-kun?" Gina, easily recognizable from the hair that most likely inspired her name, was the youngest. Barely seventeen and already blossoming into a poster-child for kunoichi recruitment pamphlets, she was the one dressed closest to modesty off the troublesome trio. Her eyes, a dark purple flecked with gold, were wide and innocent. She was dressed in black with silver trimming, not exposing all that much, but hinting at quite a lot. It fit her silvery hair beautifully.

"I was just talking to myself." He replied, hoping that giving such a boring answer would make them decide that he wasn't worth their time. Apparently the god of listening to the pleas of lazy bums was taking a day off.

"What, what, what? What did you say?" Miyako was, strangely enough, the eldest, nearing her twentieth year. She also lived up to her name through her appearance, long black hair, dark brown eyes and ivory-white skin making Shikamaru think of horror movies with vampires. For some reason, despite her age, she was the one that acted the most immaturely out of the three. She had actually gotten in front of him, bouncing up and down like an overeager puppy. Which of course set her most prominent physical feature, well, he kept coming back to the word bouncing, although jiggling also got a lot of use. He really wished she'd wear something a little less revealing for a top. Why the tight, cut off white leather jacket? Why the glaringly red bra poking out underneath? Why the matching tight white shorts?

"It doesn't really matter." He brushed past her. Why wouldn't they just leave him the hell alone? They were coming along so he could study their skills and behavior in the field, not for a paid vacation. Too fucking troublesome. Women were generally troublesome. Loudmouths were always troublesome. Three loudmouth women were, well, troublesome, just on a whole different level. Why didn't he listen to his Aburame work partner?

"Shikamaru-kun, it's not very polite to act like this towards your teammates. Are you feeling unwell perhaps? Should we stop at an inn so we can help you recover?" And then there was the most troublesome out of the whole bunch, Michiko. He was convinced she had an intellect that could measure itself against his own without shame, although he doubted she could match him in his chosen fields. Yet she persisted in joining her sisters in making the journey an interrogation from hell. And he just couldn't understand why the slim, green haired and blue eyed woman, halfway between eighteen and nineteen, persisted in showing of even more skin than Miyako. Who in their right mind wore a camouflage pattern bikini top and miniskirt on a mission? Sure, she got to show off her dark tan, but could she really move and fight in that outfit?

He sighed. "Is it really that important?"

"Yes!" Once again, the shouted voices were in perfect sync. "_That's just creepy, and troublesome._"

"Fine, I said troublesome. Can we get going now?" He started walking again, determined not to do anything in response to their silliness. It was annoying. He had things to worry about, keeping the village alive, proving to Asuma-sensei that he'd learnt the lessons on just why he couldn't up and quit being a shinobi. He'd tried, after he and Ino had their catastrophic attempt at a relationship that lasted all of two weeks. Then he'd been in such self doubt and loathing that he felt compelled to get away from it all, quit his career and leave the village.

The cost of his childishness had not become apparent until Asuma had looked him up and pounded some sense into the genius.

"_Damn women making me think of troublesome things."_

"Mou, sisters, Shikamaru is being no fun." Why wouldn't they just leave him alone?

"_I could be cloud watching right about now."_

"Then maybe we should play with him a bit, I'm _certain _he'd be more fun then."

"Oh, tonight! We'll do it-mfff."Michiko quickly caught the excitable Miyako and covered her mouth.

"Shush, we need to plan this right." With that the women dropped back a few paces, heads together and whispering about things Shikamaru was certain he'd rather not know about.

"Troublesome." He whispered to himself. He'd promised himself to work harder, be a better leader, a more efficient shinobi. To focus on the mission objectives and the bigger picture. To keep his emotions in check. He kept trying, but these girls just wouldn't leave him be, wouldn't let him focus on his duty. "_And why the hell do I let them get to me? I'm supposed to be able to handle this."_

The three girls behind him started to giggle, and when he, against his better judgment, looked over his shoulder at them, they were all blushing and looking at him.

It was going to be a long week.

* * *

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

The sound of water slowly leaking into the tunnel had long since passed from his mind, the steadily echoing dripping becoming a part of the background. He sat on a throne of stone, several cushions dampening the cold and hardness of rock, created for him several years earlier. He was waiting for a report, as usual, and reading a scroll on a possible method of expanding the number of elemental affinities. It was, of course, forbidden knowledge, that risked both the body and sanity of the person undergoing the process, but such risks were nothing new to the pale man.

The room was dimly lit, two tall braziers placed to either side of the throne giving him enough light to read, yet left the rest of the room in darkness. He preferred it that way. Any visitor was forced to wonder at what could be hidden in the shadows, as well as focus on him as the only one truly illuminated. He himself would not require much light to see every detail of anyone entering, one of many skills he had incorporated into his body.

Inwardly, Orochimaru sighed. The one coming to report to him was once again testing his ability to notice his presence, attempting to sneak into the room without being spotted. Although Orochimaru was constantly making progress in various ways, learning new jutsus, experimenting on captives and recruiting those desperate or crazy enough to enter his service, he was also feeling a bit tired. The last year, since the revolt started, he'd largely lost the luxury of biding his time. He'd always been more of a planner than one who thought on his feet. He knew well that his strengths lay in gathering information and planning his moves using that information. True, he was powerful. Redundancy was ever his watchword, every defense and fall back point, every stratagem and every weapon were backed by at least two reserves.

As was the case of the room he sat in. Of course, he was very hard to fool in himself, but he also had a summon hiding in the shadows to warn him of any underhanded tricks, as well as a special seal worked into the very shape of the room, that would also warn him of any deceit. After all, taking risks were for those too foolish to think of ways to avoid them. He did take them when necessary, but if one looked hard enough, there usually was a way to let someone else take them, or at least minimize them.

After all, if you can grasp at immortality, how stupid wouldn't it be to die from carelessness?

"Kabuto, how nice to see you again. Step forward so I can see you better."

The man's smirk didn't change one bit at being discovered, his loyalty towards Orochimaru was unquestionable. The testing was simply to let his master continue practicing his alertness. Being careless was always the surest way of getting killed in the world of shinobi. "Orochimaru-sama. I have returned from the mission you ordered."

"And how did your mission go? I have been most eager to hear of it."

"Better than expected, worse than hoped. We managed to kill two more rebels, but Sasuke-kun and Tayuya-chan got away _again_. I'm starting to get annoyed with them. I am pleased to report that they are apparently as busy fighting those, _things,_ as we are. Sasuke actually had a bandage that I haven't heard of before, and I doubt any of his group tried to fight him."

"So our experiments are creating trouble for others than us. That is slightly gratifying."

"There was one other thing, Orochimaru-sama."

"What?"

"I've spotted a pair of men wearing black cloaks with a pattern of red clouds. Akatsuki are here, at least a few of them."

"I should have known. They will want to collect the crystals as well. Did you see who they were?"

"No, I figured it would be taking too much of a risk getting too close to one of them. I do think they were headed for the capital."

"Good, I don't need my shinobi to be taking unnecessary risks at this time, there is too much at stake." Orochimaru, never letting his grin slip, gave himself a few seconds to think. "I believe that we need to hurry up our collecting the remaining crystals however, is the retrieval squad ready?"

"Yes, the survivors from the last mission have already been reinforced and divided into their new teams. We also have the position of the nearest crystal; it's in the eastern part of the old tunnel complex. We'll have another squad launch a diversionary attack at the northern entrance first. Then the retrieval squad will go in and retrieve the crystal. We think it's the orange one."

"Then there are the two others still in the hands of the demons and the two that Sasuke-kun got away with."

"Yes. I have heard nothing about that changing. The rebels aren't strong enough to try and find any more crystals themselves, unless Sasuke joins them, and he won't take that risk."

* * *

"Sasuke, you can't, it's too fucking risky." They were walking at a brisk pace towards the staging area.

"That's why you're not going Tayuya." Sasuke sounded about as excited as if he were going on a walk in the forest. "I need you to keep the rest of the group together. Kabuto probably thinks he managed to actually kill those two yesterday, and everyone knows just how close it was. They'll need you to keep their spirits up."

"You Kami-forsaken, cock-sucking wart on an oxen's ass! That's exactly why _you_ can't go. We'll never make it without you."

"You're wrong, Tayuya. They don't look to me for leadership or comfort. They expect me to be powerful and kill enemies, but you are the one that cares about them. If you so much as stub a toe, these kids will be falling apart faster than you can insult me three times." He turned towards her. "I've left the two remaining crystals in your pack, so head out of Konoha as soon as you're ready. I'll take the team in and get another one, then I'll go there as well. I've heard that Akatsuki have started to move around in Oto, so I need you to get out before they can find you."

"You weird-eyed bastard. You're gonna ditch me here with all the responsibility and go off and have fun with those fire-farting bastard demons. And why would I let you do that?"

"Because you know I'm right. And because I'll let you fix my hair when we meet in Konoha. How's that?"

"That has to be the stupidest fucking monkey-loving reason I've ever heard, even from you, you god-damn snake-fondling little faggot."

"But you'll do it anyway."

"Shut up and go already, weird-eyes."

"I love you too. Give my regards to Tsunade, she'll need to know I'm coming in advance." With that, Sasuke turned and walked off, heading towards where his team was waiting. He was pretty sure this would work out, the informant near Kabuto had managed to get the word of their intended attack on the crystal in the eastern section to him in time, and now all he had to do was to sneak in during the confusion and grab the other two. He knew, better than his opponents, where to find them.

Coming into the small clearing, he only found the three who had volunteered to go with him. He walked up to them and exchanged glances, weighing what he saw and deciding that it would be enough. They all knew what was at stake, as well as the odds, and they all knew what they needed to do.

Never saying a word, the four man team dispersed as soon as he nodded.

* * *

"Thanks Ayame-neechan! That tasted great, jii-san really taught you everything he knows didn't he!" Naruto was grinning, good company and good food always made for a good mood. That Iruka had finally come back from a mission and happened to be walking past the ramen stand was simply putting the dot over the I, turning a great lunch into a moment of memory-for-life. He'd missed his often exasperated teacher-turned-older brother. There were things he could say to Iruka that no one else would ever hear about.

"Thank you Naruto, but I know I'm not as good as dad, so don't go overboard with the praises." Ayame was smiling at him, knowing that it was true but appreciating the opinion of an expert none the less. Naruto was very good at being honest about his ramen after all. She diverted her attention to his company. "And you, Iruka-san, are you satisfied? Can I get you anything else?"

"Ah, it's wonderful Ayame-san, don't let me be a bother to you." Iruka seemed a bit surprised at the attention. "Getting to be one of the first try Ayame-san's ramen is good enough for me."

"So, what was this mission you've been away on about? Did you get to do any fighting?"

"Um, well." Iruka was suddenly looking a bit uncomfortable, and glanced towards Ayame.

"Oh, sorry, let me give you guys some space." With that, she walked into the back to do something loud to cover them speaking. She was used to such from having shinobi as customers since forever.

"Actually, I've been trying to get into Oto. The country's been a black hole for us the last year or so, nobody getting in or out." He was speaking in a low voice, completely serious.

"What, isn't that kind of a high level mission Iruka-sensei? You're just a chuunin, right?"

"Well, I'm listed as it, but if you're part of ANBU, you don't really care about rank all that much. Anyways, it didn't work. There were patrols all over the place, and my team isn't built around combat, but stealth and infiltration." He shrugged. "Better nins than us have been having trouble with that mission, so it doesn't bother me much."

"Oto, eh? Hey, that's where Sasuke is supposed to be, right? Do you think-"

"No, Naruto. Whatever you want to ask or say, no. I know you want to go bring him back, but trying to get near Sasuke right now is suicide. If he's even himself still, he could have had his body taken over by Orochimaru." Iruka gave Naruto an understanding look. "I know you want him back, but now is not the time." Then he grinned. "Besides, I've been hearing these strange rumors that you are being kept busy, care to explain that?"

"Can I plead temporary insanity? Ayame-neechan, you can come back now!"

"I'm no judge Naruto, just a friend. A very curious friend at that." Iruka waited for Ayame to return before continuing talking.

"Well, when I got back, Tsunade had this big formal welcoming dinner, 'cause Akane-chan was given a diplomatic mission when Gaara heard she wanted to go to Konoha with me. That meant that baa-chan could throw a party for me without anyone saying anything about it before hand, 'cause she was just receiving a cousin of Gaara's. I was assigned to be her escort for the evening, and no one could say anything about it in public since a lot of the guests were of my age." Naruto paused to take a few sips of water. "Then the party moved over to baa-chan's house, where I either got really drunk or someone drugged me. Then I really don't remember what happened, except that I apparently was asked out on seven dates, and accepted all of them."

At this point Iruka was torn almost exactly in two. On one hand, he was glad that Naruto was finally getting along with people. On the other he was shocked at his former pupil actually going on dates with _seven_ women. "Say what?" He managed weakly, exchanging a confused look with Ayame. Who was pouting.

"Hey, they asked me! Kurenai and Anko actually waited until after seeing me in my boxers before they asked. I have no idea what's going through their heads, but I made a promise. If I didn't have Akane-neechan to help me, I'd probably be running for the border by now."

"Kurenai? _Anko_? What the hell did you do to them?"

"I told you, I didn't do anything. _They _did."

"Well, holy crap Naruto, I don't really know what to say."

"What other girls are in on this?" That was Ayame, grinning like a madman.

"Tenten, Ino, Hinata, Temari and Sakura. Don't ask me why, I'm apparently an all-you-can-eat buffet these days. And no one is telling me what it is that's so damn tasty either."

"I could give you a few hints if you want, Naruto-kun." Ayame was smiling at him, in a way that he wasn't entirely comfortable with. "But I'll be wanting something in return. Information is valuable to a shinobi right?"

Naruto groaned. "Aw, not you too, Ayame-neechan. What could I possibly give to you?"

Ayame looked him over, her smile growing into a grin. Then she looked over at Iruka, and blushed a bit. "Oh, I can think of a few things. How about…" She leaned over and whispered something in Naruto's ear. He looked confused and whispered something back. She responded, and he thought for a bit before nodding. Then he turned and looked at Iruka, giving him a much more thorough examination than he had for several years. He'd been eating ramen when Iruka walked by earlier after all.

Then he turned back to Ayame. "Okay, I'll give you a shadow clone for an hour, and we can talk more about it tomorrow, but now I'd better get Anko's game started, or she'll get bored and start attacking me here." He put his hands in the correct sign, and a puff of smoke from the back room announced the arrival of the pseudo-Naruto.

"Oh, she wants to play the 'prey' game? Good luck, I'll be sure to bust you out if you get caught, she can be a bit rough once her blood is up. We'll talk about the rest afterwards." The unexpected information coming from Iruka gave Naruto pause, but before he could inquire further a sharp spike of killing intent propelled him at speed away from the food stand, narrowly avoiding two kunai.

Pure instinct was driving him at first, the attention directed his way from his pursuer obvious in the promise of just how much he'd regret getting caught by his 'date'. He quickly headed up onto the rooftops, making a beeline towards the hospital. He had the idea that unleashing a dozen or so clones in the warren like basements would keep Anko occupied for quite some time. That idea was dashed when he spotted movement ahead, recognizing the older Yamanaka woman from the night before. "_What the hell is she doing here?"_

He skidded to a stop on top of a bakery, hoping that the many chimneys would give him time to figure out a new plan. Looking over towards the Hokage monument, and the refuge tunnels that he'd also considered, he recognized one of the Inuzuka women, nose in the air and dog partner just a few roofs over, obviously trying to catch his scent as well. He realized he was sweating. This was not part of what Anko had told him before. Hoping that his third alternative was still open, he cast his gaze toward the Hokage tower, and almost whimpered when he spotted Tenten, who was idly toying with a kunai. This was beyond unfair.

Then he remembered the one place where even the most skilled of shinobi treaded carefully. He'd have to bypass the cordon they'd built around him, but he knew exactly how that was done. The trouble would normally have been to get through the net, but he wasn't aiming at that this time, merely to direct their attention elsewhere. Sending over two dozen clones towards various possible hiding places, he waited the two or three seconds it took for his pursuers to start intercepting his chakra constructs before running away from all of them, heading towards the training areas.

As he ran, pushing all the chakra he could muster to keep his speed up, he kept receiving and scrutinizing the last memories of his clones. Several had been hit by Tenten, of course, but three had been taken down by the Inuzuka woman through almost playful bites. The shocking parts were that the Yamanaka woman caught a clone and immediately started undressing it, only dispelling it when she squeezed 'him' a bit too enthusiastically. That Anko had cheated in an almost appalling way became obvious when he realized that almost all of the girls on his 'to-date' list had joined in on the fun. Ino acted almost exactly like her elder relative, except he got a glimpse of a black bra as well. Sakura contented herself with yelling pervert and kicking or punching all the clones she could get her hands on, while Temari seemed to take pleasure in seeing just how much clothing she could slice away with a wind blade before accidentally drawing blood and dispelling her prey.

The biggest surprise, however, was the fact that when he arrived at training area 44, he was already being pursued. A couple of clones were dispatched, and their memories revealed that not only a hot and bothered Anko was on his trail, but the heiress of the Hyuuga as well, anemia inducing blush and all. The fact that his clone's memory showed Hinata, with a grin that was even more feral and happy than Anko's, almost made him fall of the branch he was leaping towards.

He shuddered, imagining the result if he was caught by the irate women hot on his tail, no, trail. Hopefully he could lose them in the huge Forest of Death, exploiting the extensive training that Jiraiya had put him through as well as all the knowledge his clones had absorbed for him. Jumping over the fence and heading in amongst the gigantic trees, he set his course for a part of the forest he had some recollections of.

"_This is so not fair, how the hell am I gonna stay away from half a dozen or so women out for my blood? And that's the _good_ scenario! "Naruto_ was whimpering. He'd never thought being popular could be anything like this! He suddenly had a newfound understanding of Sasuke. There was very little of interest in his view on things, and he felt certain that there was no 'good' option to get through this unscathed except evading his out-of-control pursuers.

And he was supposed to report to Tsunade at five, he couldn't possible expect them to willingly let him go before that. That was almost four hours away.

Sending out over a dozen clones to mess up the scent tracks, Naruto crouched in between two huge branches, deciding that a plan was needed. He could of course keep moving, but something told him that running around aimlessly would sooner or later end with him in the hands of the women. He considered setting some traps, but dismissed it. There were some really dangerous animals in the forest, and he didn't want to hurt anyone. At least, not yet.

No, that wasn't an option either. So what were his options? Stealth, distraction and surprise. All of which were his favorite skills. He did choose pulling pranks for a reason as a child. So, what should he do first?

While Naruto was busy preparing his prank inspired diversions, the huntresses had gathered together outside. Most of them were a bit apprehensive in going into the dreaded training area, which was normally off limits and used for high level survival training. After a brief discussion, Anko decided that the older women, along with Ino and Sakura, should split up and patrol around the outside of the fenced-off forest, while she, Hinata, Tenten and Temari would head into the forest to flush him out. Anko was certain that her own habit of camping in the forest when bored would give them all the edge they'd need.

Then they were off, the cordon guards using various jutsus to ward the entire perimeter, while the team led by Anko headed off into the forest. It would not surprise any casual onlooker that Anko was grinning in both anticipation and feral lust, but they might have been slightly disturbed at seeing the grin mirrored on the faces of the others.

It did not take very long for them to start finding trails, but when Temari called a summon, it turned out that their prey was craftier than they had initially expected. He had somehow created over a dozen trails, each indistinguishable from the next, thereby hiding his own. Anko wasn't about to let this stop her and quickly used a summoning of her own, and soon a large number of small snakes were slithering away to explore the various leads. They themselves decided to stick together for now, following a likely looking path of scuffed bark and the faint scent of ramen.

When they came upon a near naked Naruto fighting off three giant tigers, bleeding from a large gash in his side and with one arm obviously broken, they all felt like they'd suddenly stepped into another world. After doing a double take, they all reacted on instinct. Anko and Tenten starting to throw kunai at the tigers while Hinata screamed, and fainted, and Temari rushed forward to give Naruto some cover.

The ones still conscious knew something was wrong when the tigers simply disappeared in smoke clouds when hit by the kunai. Temari was too close to react however, as the suddenly not hurt Naruto caught her around the neck, slammed her into the ground and pushed a senbon needle into her shoulder. It had obviously been prepared with some kind of sedative, as she passed out almost immediately. "Hey Anko, boss says that he'll be doing his own cheating from now on." Then the shadow clone dispelled itself, leaving two gaping kunoichi to stare at the small cloud of smoke.

"Oh, I'm going to _murder _that gaki!"

As soon as the clone dispelled itself, Naruto got the information. "_Hmm, two angry, one fainted and one knocked out. Not bad for a first trap."_He grinned, imagining the anger they'd be directing his way once they started stumbling into all the traps he'd set up. Combining henge and kage bunshin was quite possibly the ultimate in pranking techniques, and he was aiming at giving those ladies the camping trip of their lives. He'd even made a point of asking Kakashi about Anko after their planning session, getting the impression that training area 44 would be asking for trouble. Now she wasn't alone however, so he could use the fact that she'd have to look after others in there as well.

"_If they stumbled into that trap, they should be finding the water pond with the poisonous frogs next, wonder how they'll like that?"_

"Who the _hell_ has been sawing through all of these branches?" Temari was furious. She'd needed a shot to get back on her feet, and now she was up to her waist in muddy water, which she didn't appreciate one bit. The trail had headed straight over a large pond, and they had followed, finding out too late that Naruto could do some amazing things if he was given just a bit of time and a few clones.

"A dead man, that's who!" Tenten was at least as angry as Temari, and it was about to get worse.

"Um, girls, we better get out of here! Those frogs are poisonous!" Anko barely had time to shout her warning, before the frogs were jumping all over the place, clearly agitated by having their pond disturbed.

Naruto was humming, the clone he'd left near the pond had dispelled itself once it was certain they had made it out of the pond alive, if muddy, wet and agitated. "_Hmm next should be the reverse sexy-no-jutsu. Wonder how they'll react to it? I did add quite a few guys in."_

"N-n-Neji? What are _you _doing here? Naked?" Tenten had started drooling, and was blushing at the same time.

"Kiba-kun? Why are you and Shino-kun na-nak- 'Thud'." Hinata fainted for the second time, seeing her teammates lying in what might best be described as a snake pit, several of their male colleagues entwined with each other, wearing not much more than Kakashi's mask. Temari was blood red from the feet up and had her back turned, while Anko was merely content to grin at the writhing carnal vision of debauchery. After all, how often did you get to study the naked appearance of several well trained male shinobi at once?

Then the images all transformed into Naruto, all of whom started making faces at the kunoichi. "Fell for it! Perverted women over here!" And the like could be heard, as the taunting got verbal as well as physical. Naturally it stopped fairly quickly, as the targeted women responded with a veritable hail of sharp edged implements. While Anko brought Hinata out of her stupor, Tenten and Temari shared a look that agreed that _this _had not happened, and would be vehemently denied to have happened if that was ever mentioned. Which it wouldn't, seeing it hadn't happened. Whatever it was.

"That damn gaki! I'm going to kill him slowly for this! That strip tease Ino had him do won't even be close to what I'll make him do as an apology!" Anko was furious, she'd almost seen a _very _interesting part of Kakashi, and then he'd transformed. And she'd been so curious too!

"What strip tease?" Both Tenten and Temari were looking at her rather pointedly, wondering just how far the blonde had gotten with their prey.

"Later, let's go make that blonde idiot sorry for doing this to us!" With that, Anko led her now thoroughly embarrassed team at a sprint, following the track laid out by Naruto. It would not be any consolation to the huntresses to know that similar traps had been laid out at all the other trails as well.

It would be a long afternoon.

* * *

"Ah, Naruto. Good that you're here on time. How was your afternoon?" Tsunade was grinning, a mischievous glint evident in her eyes.

"Hi oba-chan. It was fun, once Anko started falling into my traps she totally lost her head. I haven't laughed that much in a long time."

"How on earth did you manage to lure Anko into a trap inside the Forest of Death? That's _her _turf."

"Yeah, but she decided to bring along a bunch of other women, and then it got easier. So, why did you ask me to come see you?"

"Ah, well. Have a seat. How do you like your new home?"

"It's great, I'm just surprised that you'd give it to me, I'm not exactly universally loved in this village."

"Well, such things may well change. I've made certain that the truth about you being Jiraiya's apprentice has been spread around in the village. Appearances are important in these matters after all. That's also one of the reasons for your new address. You living in a rundown rat hole isn't helping people in seeing you as the next Hokage. You do still want to take my job, don't you?"

Naruto grinned at that. "You bet! I'm gonna be the best Hokage ever! I've been training like crazy to get stronger and learn more jutsus, right?"

"Hmm, but being strong isn't everything there is to being a Hokage you know. You'll need to learn about paperwork, politics and all sorts of other things as well. Think you're up to it, gaki?"

"Hey, I haven't had my clones read all those books for nothing you know!"

"Good. Now, for the reason I asked for your presence. We had a break in yesterday evening at the research center."

Naruto was waving his hands furiously, denying the charge before it came. "That was not me! Ino and all the other women at the strip club are witness- oh crap."

"We'll discuss that later Naruto. At length. I already knew it wasn't you; I called you here because the perpetrators managed to break into a highly classified dossier. It's called the 'Yondaime's legacy' and until yesterday evening, no one had touched it after the Sandaime buried it there over sixteen years ago. I think you can guess at what was in it."

"Information about me and my, guest. So what? It's not like that's all that much of a secret anymore."

"Well, there were other things in there except the thing about you being a jinchuuriki, although that certainly is important. It also contains information that relates to you, and your background. For example, it contains details of the Yondaime's will, which includes you. Do you know his name, by the way?"

"No, now that you mention it, I can't seem to remember ever hearing it."

"We kind of buried his name as a part of hiding you. It was Namikaze Minato. He was also one of Jiraiya's pupils, you know."

"Ero-sennin mentioned that, but I never really had a chance to speak with him about it."

"I'm not surprised. Jiraiya and Minato were very close. He was there when the Kyuubi attacked, and helped with the sealing process. After Minato died, Jiraiya didn't want any new students until he met you."

"Wow, he never told me that part. Hey, what else were in that dossier?"

Tsunade took a deep breath, standing up and walking around the desk. She sat down in a couch of to the side, patting the space next to her. He understood, and sat down next to her. "Well, there is information about your birth. We had to keep it secret you see. Your father was an important man in this village, and he knew that you'd be targeted if your linage was discovered. That's why your name is Uzumaki, your mother and he was in a secret relationship. They had planned to marry after you were born." Her eyes misted over. "I was out in the field, trying to keep as many of our shinobi alive as possible during the Kyuubi attack, when I was called back to the hospital. Your mother, Kushina, had started going into labor, and it did not go as planned. I ran all the way back, as fast as I could, but it wasn't enough." She paused, wiping away a single tear escaping from her eyes. "By that time Minato had already taken you off for the sealing, not knowing that Kushina hadn't made it. There was so preciously little time left for him to stop the demon before it reached the village and the civilians."

Naruto knew that he was crying, but so far he had managed to control it to two glistening trails of salty water, meandering down his cheeks. "Did she love me?" He couldn't believe the sound of his own voice, it was like he was six again.

"Very much, she and your father were so happy to have you, the best proof of their love for each other as well as the greatest gift that Kami could give them. Your father couldn't wait to show you off to his friends."

"What about my father? Did he die in the fighting?"

"Yes he did. Minato never knew he had condemned you to being an orphan, Naruto." She put a hand on his cheek, feeling the wetness of the sadness he'd never been able to release before. "Now, I think you are almost ready to put the pieces together by yourself. The reason I'm telling you this now, instead of your seventeenth birthday, as Jiraiya and I had planned, is that someone else knows the name of your father, and you will need to be ready to defend yourself because of that."

"Against what? What did my father do to get such hateful enemies?" His voice was getting a gravely quality now, sorrow taking the upper hand to his self-control.

"He fought in the war against Iwa, killing so many of their shinobi that he almost singlehandedly stopped the war. He was given a 'flee on sight' description in the Iwa bingo book, and although they never dared try to get revenge from him, hurting you or your mother would have been the perfect way for those cowards to get to him."

Naruto was frowning, deep in thought. "Wait a minute, I recognize that. That was the description that-"He broke off, sudden realization forcing him into a silenced shock.

"I think you know who he is now, you are after all the proud owner of your father's house, the residence of the Yondaime Hokage." Having said that, and knowing her beloved blonde knucklehead, she simply waited for him to react. She was not disappointed.

"Say _what_?"

* * *

A/N: And the evil ones appeared. And the NaruSasu lovers thought it was good.

As if that'd ever happen in one of my fics... But yeah, we'll be seeing a bit more of a few well known dark haired villains, as well as possibly get a few hints at just why the devil I keep including the hidden village of Bamboo.

And I hope this new take on a 'date' was entertaining enough for you. I rather liked it.

So, hope I'll see you again at my next update (hopefully sometime this year).

Ja ne.


	10. When things hang by a thread

Disclaimer: I don't own anything worth a dime connected to Naruto.

Finally back! Let's get to it.

* * *

**When things hang by a thread**

The onsen is, according to some, a place for letting your hair down, taking a load off or similar metaphorical description of enjoying the company of friends and alcohol. To others, it's a place of information gathering, preying on those that would let their tongues wag in the forgiving atmosphere of the baths. To some, it is simply a pressure valve, offering a brief period of sanctuary from the harshness of real life.

Shikamaru had, naturally, learned quite a few secrets that weren't really meant for him in various onsen. Information gathering is after all the second most well known activity of a shinobi. But tonight the onsen at the inn he'd gotten him and his team rooms at was not his destination because of his mission. He simply had a headache. As well as stiff shoulders, to go with his sore back. His 'team' had turned the afternoon into a kind of extreme slow torture, never going all the way to outright addressing him. Instead he'd had to suffer through hearing his name being murmured, or the pronoun 'he' ghosting into the edge of what his ears could catch from their muted talks. It was absolutely infuriating.

And apparently, a good way to get physical stress symptoms. He'd been kept very busy with damage control during the initial time of the new teams coming to Konoha from Bamboo, and so he'd largely gotten out of any of the many social gatherings that had been arranged for whatever reason. He _had _heard the interesting tidbit about there only being females on the teams coming to switch allegiance, but he wasn't that interested in women to waste the little leisure time he had on some stiff, formal get-togethers. Unfortunately that left him uncharacteristically unprepared to handle the girls he'd picked for his current mission. They were acting in a very different way from any kunoichi he'd worked with before, and he had never taken the effect of them being a trio of True-sisters into calculation either.

In effect, although he was the leader, they were the majority. And in any efficient shinobi team, the majority always obeyed the leader. His problem was that they didn't see him as an authority figure, a leader, and instead utilized their internal hierarchy to determine their actions. He was holding on to the hope that their maverick ways wouldn't end up with anyone getting killed, or him having to spank them into submission. Which he was almost ready to do, he realized, slipping into the hot waters and allowing the heat to start its work on his muscles. He could almost feel the tension oozing out of his pores, the stress of having his entire team treating the mission as a picnic trip slowly releasing its grip.

"_Guess the gays know something the rest of us don't."_ He thought to himself, idly thinking up and discarding ways to make the rest of the mission pass with less weariness inducing stupidity. Sending the girls back to the Hokage with a stamp of 'silly girls' wouldn't work. Any Bamboo kunoichi accepted to join Konoha had to undergo extensive testing, harsher than that normally required for the equivalent rank. Which most likely meant that at least one of his team mates should be a chuunin, his own rank if you looked at the papers.

It did kind of fit together, he was a tokujou in effect, and the only reason he hadn't tried for jounin was that it would be troublesome being officially rated as such. So, he should think of this as a jounin leading a team of chuunin? Or perhaps even a jounin-chuunin mix? He didn't know, and their actions had shown nothing he could use as evidence one way or the other. So until he had a chance to see for himself how they could handle a _real _shinobi mission, preferably combat, he'd have to content himself with them acting like a bunch of scatter brained teenage girls. Why didn't he become an accountant instead?

As the steam and hot waters sent him into a world of relaxation and solitude, he let his mind drift. Usually he'd get his best ideas when focusing, but sometimes his mind needed time to wander without steering to find the connections between certain events. The fact that his nerves had been rubbed raw the last day or so might be the reason for him not noticing how the air currents shifted, as the door to the onsen opened for a short while, before closing again soundlessly. It _was _the kind of thing that was not supposed to pass unnoticed by a shinobi of his caliber, but he was unexpectedly tired.

He did pick up the almost silent padding of bare feet on stone, but if the owner of the appendages had been hostile it might well have been too late at that time. Instead, even as he started to get to his feet, a loud cry of "Shikamaru-kun" was all the warning he got before someone crashed into him. An almost aggressively female someone. They fell back in a tangle, barely keeping their heads above water. This did not mean that Shikamaru could breathe easy, or even breathe. Although he was still trying to catch up with the events of the last few seconds, he _felt _he had a pretty good idea about just who it was trying to suffocate him with huge, err, well, let's just say it felt like pushing your head into a warm water bed, sort of. Shikamaru managed to get his hands on the person's shoulders and pull his head from out of that someone's cleavage, take a gasping breath.

"My, my. You look awfully red in the face there, Shikamaru-kun, have you been staying in the onsen for too long?" Michiko's voice was predictably filled with both mirth and mischievousness.

Focusing his gaze at Miyako's face, Shikamaru gave as coherent reply as he could. "Ah, umh, wha?" Okay, maybe he could work on that, but considering the situation, he felt he could justify being a bit flustered. Before he could elaborate, his gaze was drawn to Miyako's dark eyes. They felt as if they were bottomless pools, and he was being pulled into their depths. Realizing that he was letting them call the shots, he jumped out of the water and put his back to a wall, thankful that he still had a towel wrapped around him. "Okay, this is starting to go beyond troublesome. What the hell are you- cover yourself woman!" The last part was directed at Gina, who was staring absentmindedly at a small statue. She'd apparently forgotten where she was, as her towel had started to slip down, barely a thread holding it in place and soon not even that.

Shikamaru kept his eyes averted, not wanting to turn his back on the others just yet. Gina kind of shrugged the towel back on, the motion trying to draw his gaze from the corner of his eye. "_Man, one girl is trouble enough, how the hell am I supposed to keep track of three of them?"_ His mind kept speeding along, trying to catch up to just what the hell their game was. He was pretty sure he had all the pieces he needed to figure them out, their invasion of his privacy obviously a well-planned action. He just needed to know their motivation for doing this. _"Girls, the teams are all girls. It's a village with 'unusual demographics', which would mean…"_ He still couldn't pin it down, but he knew he was close.

"Ne, Shikamaru-kun, is there something wrong? You seem so tense, what me to give you a nice back-rub?" Miyako was speaking in a happy, whimsical tone of voice, not at odds with the very warm and inviting look she was giving him. Not to mention the effect that a wet and clingy towel was having on her physique.

"_Wait, think of pieces, one attacker, one feinter, and a planner. It fits, they're bloody well trying to group seduce me. And it's working! But why?" _Shikamaru felt his eyes thin, as something completely absurd suddenly struck him. It sounded so wrong, yet made so much sense, unless they were planning on betraying Konoha, in which case things were about to get extremely hectic from now on. "Michiko-san, are you planning on having kids anytime soon?" He managed to direct his gaze over at the informal leader of the trio, tearing it from the inviting Miyako, focusing on her piercing blue eyes to avoid the distractions flanking her. "_Please, say you're gonna betray Konoha!"_

"My, aren't you the bold one Shikamaru-kun. Are you offering to do the honors?" Michiko started blushing, but barely missed a beat in answering, which should have been impossible unless she actually _was _considering that crazy idea. And her smile suddenly seemed to turn just a tad too happy to just be a whimsical nonsense reaction.

"_Shit! How the hell did this happen? Does Tsunade know about this? Was that why she mentioned that there was a Bamboo team that specialized in aerial combat? I'm too young damn it!" _Shikamaru knew two things now. One, Michiko wasn't as clever as she thought, not being able to anticipate him figuring her out and therefore not being ready to fake her reply convincingly. The good part was that they wouldn't have to try and kill each other now, as there was no evidence of betrayal. The bad part was that his question had tipped his hand as well, it was just a matter of time before one of them made that connection.

The second thing he learnt was that his trip was about to become very interesting from here on.

"Well, I just remembered something I have to do, so I'll see you at dinner!" With that, he shunshined his ass back to his room and got dressed faster than Naruto could finish a bowl of ramen. He absently noted that it was the first time in over a year that he hurried to do _anything_. "_Troublesome."_

* * *

It had been over an hour. They had talked about his parents, cried, shared a few stories and even talked about things that had absolutely no bearing on the life-changing information that Naruto had been given. Now, it was time to move on. The world doesn't stop moving for anyone. Not even for a Hokage or a jinchuuriki. So Tsunade cleared her throat, and let her face assume her Hokage mask, the serious facade that she employed when absolute sincerity was needed. "Naruto, I know that you have a lot to think about, but you have a date to attend to, and I don't think Anko will appreciate you skipping it. That goes for the rest of the week as well, although I doubt you'll have any more news as difficult as these." She let a small smile crack the mask. "I suggest you pass by her house and talk over the evening with her right away. Feel free to tell her that you are under orders to have an early night tonight. I'll back you up."

"Humph, that crazy woman. You know, she claims that they spiked my drink at your party? That that's why I accepted having all these dates?" Tsunade almost managed to hide a hint of surprise, but Naruto managed to catch it. "Yeah, I know, and she made it sound like one of the other girls was involved as well. " He frowned and looked at her. "You don't think she's telling the truth, do you?"

Tsunade merely shrugged at the question. "I suggest you ask her. Now, go wash your face and get over to Anko's place. Do you know where it is by the way?" When she received a negative head shake, she walked over to her desk, jotted down a few words and gave him the note. "It's not hard to find. We'll meet up on Sunday and have a nice, long talk. I expect you'll have some questions for me by then, so I'll try to answer them for you. Oh, and if you see Kakashi, tell him to come by, I'd like to break the news to him, he'll probably be a bit upset too. Other than that, I want you to keep this information to yourself, except possibly for Sabaku-san." Tsunade smiled. "Since she's apparently sleeping in your bed, I expect she can be trusted as well."

Naruto had the decency to blush at the last remark. "Well, it's not what you might think, she just doesn't like to sleep alone. We never do anything. She's sort of a sister to me."

"Like Shizune you mean?"

"Yeah, except I know Akane-neechan a lot more since we've been hanging out a lot lately." Naruto smiled, thinking of his 'sister'. Then he shook himself. "Time to head off, later oba-chan."

As Naruto slipped out through a window at speed, Tsunade furrowed her brow. "Again with the 'old lady' remark. I'm gonna have to talk to him about that." Then she wondered if talking to yourself would be a sign of old age.

As Naruto sped away towards Anko's address across the rooftops, he kept a small smile on his face. The idea that he had a father had always been something abstract, full of unpleasant possibilities and questions, the kind orphans are often faced with. During his childhood, no one had seemed to know anything about him, and he'd been too caught up in trying to gain the attention of those he met to think about how that could be possible. The same went for his mother, although he'd understood relatively early that he'd had to have a mother at some point.

The questions that had plagued him most, even to this day, had been those concerned with why. Why hadn't they kept him? Why didn't anyone know anything? Why was he continuously being shut out of the community? Sometimes he'd fantasized about his father coming to find him, a powerful shinobi that would take him away from the cold, hateful people that surrounded him and care for him. He'd figured that his mother wasn't alive, and if she was, she wouldn't want him anyway. Why else abandon him? His father might have had a reason to not be in Konoha for several years. It was a childish fantasy, of course, but some days it was all that kept him going.

Now he had gotten a lot of those answers. He'd eventually want to know more about them, especially his mother, who was an unknown to the village in general. For now, he could content himself with the fact that he hadn't been abandoned, rather trusted to be a legacy of them as a living sacrifice. And now, he was carrying their killer within him as a prisoner, in effect being its jailor and punisher. It gave him some small measure of satisfaction that he'd done a good job of it so far. Now he just had to keep it up, and continue his growth. He'd been kept busy with all the dating and other activities so far, but soon he hoped he could return to something more than a quick work out whenever time permitted. He had jutsus to practice after all.

Taking a look around, realizing he'd been going on mental autopilot for a while, he recognized a small stand near a corner. Since it was selling dango, and he'd rather not have to spend a few hours running away from Anko again, he decided to make a quick stop. After disguising as a random civilian he'd noticed over in Kaze, he went in, picked up a large order of the treats and headed off again. The idea that he could have gone in and bought it as himself never crossed his mind. In theory, they might have mellowed out in Konoha concerning him, time finally healing the mental wounds of the catastrophic occurrence almost seventeen years earlier. But he had too many old memories of how they'd treated him as a child to let his guard down just like that. He knew he'd have to face up to that sooner or later, a Hokage couldn't be afraid of meeting his own people, but now was not the time.

He checked over the note with directions, turned left at a corner and realized that he'd finally arrived. Anko apparently lived in a flat of her own, the building a not-too-big, slightly scuffed apartment house. Heading in, absently checking the names of those that lived there, he realized that the building was almost half-empty, and except for Anko, nobody was living at the top two floors. Confused and curious about the odd distribution of tenants, he headed upstairs, resolved to talk to Anko about that fact later.

The corridor was not very well lit, few lamps working in their holders on the walls, and the paint was obviously getting old, ranging in skull white to beige from age. He'd noticed that maintenance in general had gotten less attention as he ascended the stairwell, and although he wasn't sure why, he could recognize the signs of someone that most people wouldn't want to be near. It was sobering, and saddening, to discover that he was not the sole example of a social pariah in Konoha. It also made him start to wonder about why she'd set him up for a date, and then spent it hunting him like an animal. Something didn't quite add up.

Her door was not hard to find, as it was the only one with a welcome mat outside. Well, the words were 'Oh no, not you again', but he figured that would be as close as she'd get in actually welcoming anyone. He knocked, having tried and found out that the door bell was broken. After a few seconds without any life signs from inside, he knocked again, wondering if she was out perhaps. Then he felt something slide along his neck, something cool and metallic, and knew exactly where one Mitarashi Anko could be found. Crap.

"I do hope you brought something for me in that bag, considering that stunt you pulled this afternoon." Her voice was a low, sibilant hiss, making his hair stand on end and sending a shiver down his spine. Then he realized that it wasn't him, but her finger, tracing a slow, deliberate route along his back. That didn't go well together with his expectation of her, a blade in the back? Sure. A not-too-subtle flirt? No.

He turned to face her, ignoring the trickle of blood appearing on his neck. "It's dango, of course, and I distinctly remember you being the first one to pull stunts. Who said you could declare an open season on me anyway?" He wasn't sure whether she heard him or not, as her eyes were glued to the dribble of life-fluid slowly tracing its way down towards his collarbone. She mumbled something inaudible, before leaning in towards him and slowly licking up the dark red fluid, continuing up to the line of angry pink that her sharp kunai had drawn next to his jugular vein. Once she'd let the tip of her tongue trace the shallow wound in full, she stopped and released a sound somewhere between a purr of contentment and a whine of disappointment before leaning back again. "And that's why most people think you're so fucking scary, you know."

She blinked, seemingly focusing on where and when she was, before blushing an almost alarming deep red. "Sorry, I kinda got distracted there. Anyway, I know you think I cheated, but you started it." Then she closed the distance between them, one arm snaking around his waist, the other reaching for the door handle. As she molded herself against him, causing all sorts of strange sensations for him to try and ignore, she opened the door while using him for support as she was reaching behind him. "I and Akane-chan go way back, and you just waltz into Konoha with her in tow as some kind of cute little assistant, charm the underwear off of most of the fertile female population in the entire village and then have the guts to whine about having to go on a date with me. I mean, were you _ever_ going to consider my feelings in this?" Although she tried to keep a light tone, Naruto had spent enough time around people like himself to recognize when someone was trying to cover up hurt feelings.

Against his better judgment, but with the moral support of his libido, he wrapped his unburdened arm around her, sighing softly into the slightly tickly hair covering her ear. "I'm not sure about the other stuff, but no, sorry. I didn't stop to consider your feelings, because I honestly didn't think it mattered to you. You always act like nothing or nobody matter, when you're not threatening to neuter or handicap someone, so I never dreamed you actually cared about what I thought about you." He chuckled quietly, not missing the way her entire body had gone rigid when he held her back, or the way her breathing changed at his words. "So, let's try these dango, okay? I'm no expert on them, but I've heard you're sort of like me and ramen when it comes to them."

The door behind them had opened slightly, and Anko, feeling the need to take back control of the evening, slipped a leg between Naruto's and did a simple tripping technique, opening the door wide by slamming Naruto into it and landing the two of them on the hallway floor, her strategically on top. While he struggled to not let on just how, well, exciting, their new position was, she simply sat up, thighs holding on to him and the special part of her in between grinding slowly and suggestively against a special part of him. He knew that she could feel just how interested that part of him had become, and she knew that he knew and so on, leaving him feeling more embarrassed than he had in, well, several hours at least. Okay, a few then.

"Um, Anko?" He was quite proud that his voice was even and almost completely under his control. She was dressed in her usual attire, minus trench coat, which meant that he really didn't have to strain himself to imagine what she would look like topless.

"Yes?" She sounded completely innocent, a dead give-away that something nerve-wrecking was about to occur. She _was _still holding her kunai, so he was pretty sure that trying to man-handle her would end with him discovering new and interesting ways of feeling pain.

"This is kind of awkward, you know?" Okay, not sounding like he was straining with something _was_ getting difficult.

"It is?" Still that infuriating innocence, while slowly rubbing pelvis against pelvis. So not fair.

"Yes, I'm pretty sure of that." Now he was, ever so slightly, starting to feel the urge to rub back at her, consequences be damned.

"Oh, okay." Oh, good. She understood. So why didn't she get off of him?

"Anko?" It was really getting _hard_ to control himself now. And his voice kept heading upwards in pitch, which was adding a whole new dimension to his embarrassment.

"Yes, what is it now?" Her voice was also changing. Was she finally starting to let the sensations get to her?

"Would you, slowly and carefully, without putting a hand somewhere it might hurt, kindly stand up?" Naruto wasn't sure, but he was pretty certain that he'd just won some kind of price somewhere. The question was whether he'd live to regret it or not.

"Why?"

"Please? I think the dango will go bad otherwise."

"Oh, crap the dango!" Somehow it didn't surprise Naruto that the one thing that got her off of him was her favorite food. He'd probably act the same if it was ramen. He managed to stifle a long, suffering sigh, and started to rise. And realized that he was at least temporarily stymied in his movements. Thinking up a solution, he asked and was directed to the bathroom. While she was kept occupied with the 'Anko-sized' order of dango (yes, there actually was one like that on the menu.) he quickly went and emptied his bladder, sitting down. The chance of missing otherwise was just too great.

"_Lucky, I'd never have been able to live down getting caught with a boner by Anko." _The most pressing business taken care of, Naruto took the opportunity to check out one of the most private of rooms in someone's living space. Jiraiya had tried his best at imprinting some basic investigative tools, and the importance of just what someone kept at their washstand had been expressed more than once. So he did a quick inventory, finding that she was, indeed, female, as the sheer number of bottles, crèmes and make-up accessories easily matched the number of bathroom articles he'd used during his entire, if short, life. Not that he was sloppy with hygiene, he just didn't need seven different skin crèmes. Or five moisturizers, whatever that was.

Other than that, she seemed to have quite a pharmacy, various pills in small plastic containers marked with a number-letter code instead of names. Although using drugs and poisons wasn't unusual among shinobi, Naruto was certain that only medic-nins or drug-dealers would carry that kind of stock in Konoha. So, female and possibly reliant on medicine and or drugs. What else could he tell? Well, she did seem to like the color purple, from her towels, as well as orange, from the shower curtain. Other than that, it was all Kiri-battlesigns to him. What on earth did it mean that something was 'nucleus-restorative'?

Deciding to leave the mysteries of the female hygiene world to fend for itself, Naruto left the bathroom, passed through the small hallway and entered the kitchen, wondering if there might be anything left for him to nibble on. Any hopes of such were quickly dashed, as he surveyed the destruction that Anko had wrecked on the take-away he'd brought with him. Hoping that there might be an alternative dinner later, he pushed thoughts of food aside and focused instead on the apartment's inhabitant, who was currently sitting with a content grin at the kitchen table. "Hey, you feeling less inclined to molest people now?"

"Ummmm, yeah. Give me a minute or two and we can pick up where we left off."

"If it's all the same to you, let's talk a bit first. I'm supposed to get some rest tonight, Hokage's orders. And I had a few questions for you."

"Okay, I'm not going anywhere right now."

"Well, what was that about you drugging me at Tsunade's party? That was just a joke right?"

"Oh, it was? Okay."

When nothing more was forthcoming, Naruto could actually feel sweat gathering at his brow. "Um, that's not the answer I was hoping for, did you or didn't you?"

"Well, _I_ certainly didn't put anything into your drink."

"You didn't? Did anyone else do that then?"

"Well yeah, at least two girls put something in it. I thought it was a bit unsophisticated so I just coated the rim of your glass."

"W-w-what? You're saying I had three different drugs in me at the same time?"

""well, mine was just a mild, slow working aphrodisiac. It did wonders for our onsen visit."

"And the others?"

"Don't know actually, you'd better ask the girls that did it."

"Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Who else was it? I can't ask them if I don't know who they were, right?"

"Sorry, that's something I promised not to tell. You'll have to figure that part out by yourself."

"Aw, man. That's just not fair. Why is every girl I meet so damn weird nowadays?" He sighed, resigning to the fact that she wasn't going to be persuaded to tell him more. "So, anyway, what do you want to do for the rest of the evening?"

Anko looked at him, then let her gaze travel down his body, taking in what could be gleaned from how his mission outfit clung to the body underneath. She had something very special in mind, and he was obviously fit. She just hoped he would be limber enough to be a challenge to her. As her eyes met his, she let a disturbing smile spread in place of the grin she'd worn before. "Let's just say I have an idea."

Naruto suddenly felt the urge to swallow down a lump of anxiety.

* * *

Neji was out in Konoha, moving in a random, roving patrol pattern. He'd had dinner with his wife, having a nice conversation at the table and actually managing to make her smile once or twice. Then he'd put on his ANBU armor, mask and cape and headed out into the night. He knew that he'd have to face the music soon, and find a way to live with his new 'beloved', but right now it was so much easier to work. He was heading down Konoha's main entertainment street, keeping to the shadows and moving slowly.

His ear-piece squeaked, static from interference quickly replaced by a voice. "Hey, Neji, are you still interested in what Uzumaki is up to?" He recognized the voice as coming from Naruto's watcher for the night.

"Sure, what's happening?" He'd put the word out amongst his colleagues, hoping to find out just what the deal was with the recently returned jinchuuriki.

"Well, I'm outside Anko's apartment, and I think you might want to hear this." There was a few scraping sounds, and then, distantly, a conversation between two people he knew.

"Naruto, I'm not sure I can do this."

"Hey, this was your idea. I said that it would be easier in the living room, but you insisted that you wanted to do it on the bed."

"Well, I didn't think you were so big, you've grown more than I realized."

"Shut up and put your hand on it. It's no fun having to listen to you procrastinating."

"Uhh! There, I got it. Whoa, it's kinda slick. You're turn." The female voice, which he recognized as Anko's, sounded strained.

"Oh great, I gotta put my head at that place. Hold on, I need to twist my arm a bit." Something fell over with a crash, and Anko gasped.

"Damn, you have some skills at this boy. Now go slowly, I don't want you to hurt yourself, that's my job." Naruto simply grunted in return. "Oh, good boy, you got it. See this is kinda fun once you get into it, right?"

At that point, Neji walked into a pole. Stumbling backwards, feeling slightly dizzy, he pulled the receiver of the wireless from his ear and decided that he'd make sure to have a talk with Hinata about a certain blonde. She definitely couldn't have a date with him unsupervised. The fact that he removed his ear-piece meant that he missed Naruto's reply.

"Well, I still think Twister would be funnier with more people, and why play it on a bed anyway?"

* * *

It was an hour or so later. The Twister game had been put away, Naruto had managed to escape the bedroom with his pants mostly still on, and now they were curled up in Anko's sofa, watching a horror movie. As powerful as they were, anyone would be frightened by a being that just wouldn't relent, no matter how brutally beaten down. "Return of the Zombie Fangirls III" really was scary, especially to Naruto, who'd gotten between real fan girls and Sasuke more times than he could count. Naruto hadn't seen the Snow princess/actress, who played the hero's girlfriend, for at least a year and a half, and so had been relentless in begging Anko to watch it with him. It took almost a minute to convince her to watch it, and almost half an hour to convince her that he did, in fact, know the princess personally.

Then he'd been sent to scrounge up whatever snacks he could find in her kitchen, while she got changed for sloughing away an evening in her sofa. It wasn't quite what she'd imagined a date with Konoha's new favorite meat would be, but for some reason she was having a really good time. Naruto didn't seem to care about a lot of things, like her looks, strange behavior or the fact that she had been trained by Orochimaru and had a curse seal. And he also exuded confidence, which for some reason was making her feel very safe. She'd gotten used to being on edge, seldom feeling protected enough to drop her mask and be herself. With Naruto, it came naturally after a while. It was as if he'd simply declared her apartment as part of his territory, to protect and watch over, and anyone coming to hurt her would have to go through him.

Which was a completely ridiculous idea. He was a sixteen year old boy, known throughout the village for being stupid, obnoxious and an almost perfect example of how not to be a ninja. Most people wouldn't trust him to lead a waterfall downstream, much less be a Hokage. Yet she couldn't shake the feeling that as long as he was there, nothing could go so wrong that he couldn't make it right. Eventually. She hadn't spent all that much time with the gaki, but even she could tell that he'd changed a lot more than could be seen by the eye.

Letting her gaze leave another blood-drenched scene as the undead caught another meaningless pretty boy and his silly girlfriend, she studied the guy who'd actually managed to trick her earlier that afternoon. It was strange, he didn't really look all _that _good. His fashion sense was so far out there that she seriously doubted there was a map in Konoha that could help in finding it. He spent a lot of time either looking confused or thinking hard (and failing), and his hair was mostly an unruly mess. There didn't seem to be too much of interest in the young jinchuuriki.

Unless you knew just how fit he was underneath those weird orange and black clothes he wore for missions. Or happened to catch him smiling one of those devil-may-care smiles, always daring and mischievous, never nasty. And ignored his eyes. She'd noticed earlier just how much he could say with those big, shiny, blue eyes. They were currently slightly overcast, as if a cloud had drifted in front of the sun. He was apparently finding the zombie fan girls all too real, unconsciously squeezing a pillow to death.

Maybe that was it, she thought to herself while scrutinizing his face. He was not just optimistic enough to drive you insane, he was also so darn naïve. If she hadn't sworn off squealing about cute things in front of other people a long time ago, he'd probably have her doing that right now. "_Eyes like that shouldn't be legal, they should be banned in an international treaty somewhere._" He just looked so damn adorable, curled up in the other end of her sofa, so close that she could have reached out a hand and touched him. It was tempting, but it also seemed like a bad idea to interrupt the tranquility, her urge more an instinctive reaction than a real desire. She realized that she wasn't used to feeling, well, _at home,_ like she was now. "_Wonder if this is what family feels like?"_

Deciding that she was getting much too mushy for her own good, she turned her eyes back to the screen, where someone was apparently being eat- no, they weren't eating the poor boy, were they. Suddenly the horror movie got a whole lot scarier, making Anko check her date's reaction. Apparently Naruto had realized just what the zombies were doing as well, as he was actually holding his hands in front of his eyes, peeking through his fingers every now and then. It was silly, childish, and absolutely adorable. Anko had to force herself to look away, mentally shaking her head. "_Acting all grown up one minute, and the next he's back at being six years old wanting his mum. It's like he's never had a chance to be a kid for real."_

Resting her gaze at the disturbing scene in front of them, she let that thought roll around her head for a bit. It would explain a lot about Naruto's recent behavior, as well as his well-known pranking during his early years. Was that something they had in common? She knew he was an orphan, like herself, and that he'd been ostracized by most of Konoha for a long time, although he'd lived like that most of his life, while she'd at least had a decent childhood. Course, it took a while for her to remember it.

So, the gaki grew up with a mask on, taking the responsibilities of an adult from an early age, entered the academy and spent most of his time goofing off, then spent about an hour with the scroll of forbidden jutsu and could suddenly perform one of the most dangerous, chakra demanding and difficult jutsus ever developed. Then, after getting tossed into the most mismatched team since the Sannin themselves, he somehow managed to get involved with about two dozen or so power players, apparently including becoming friends with _the _most sought after movie star in the five elemental countries. He'd also had time to rip the Suna jinchuuriki a new one, bring back the current Hokage, who was one of the Sannin and befriend another of the super trio, leading to him being taken on a three year long training journey.

"_Wonder how many could have gone through that and kept their sanity in the process." _It certainly seemed likely that Naruto was carrying around a lot of baggage, on top of his demonic guest. No wonder he kept reverting back to a small child every now and then. Repressing one's childhood could easily lead to various mental instabilities and personality quirks, and he'd done it while being actively pushed down by his surroundings. It would have been almost like growing up in a warzone, except for the risk of physical violence. An obsession with ramen, the color orange and getting everyone's respect was not much in the way of negative consequences if you put it like that.

His knowledge of how to annoy pretty much anyone was more likely a natural ability. Possibly even a bloodline limit.

As the hero managed to get away from the zombie horde, resisting their temptation in favor of his True Love (fat surprise that one), Naruto snored. He'd apparently managed to fall asleep while she was busy puzzling over him. He was very much like an onion, layer upon layer, and the more you peeled the more you risked tearing up. While the cast and crew rolled across the screen, she sat looking at the gaki, slightly put out that the one time she had a male over whilst being sober, he fell asleep without there being sex involved. Unless you counted her incessant teasing and flirting of course. Shouldn't there have been _something _else? It'd be a shame to let him suffer through foreplay without enjoying the main act.

A knock on her door brought her out of her not very innocent thinking. Padding over silently, she opened the spy hole that was hidden on the side of the door. Recognizing the red mane of hair, she let a clone open the door, and when the probable Akane didn't stab it in the back, walked out and greeted her. "Hey there cutie, what are you doing here?"

"Hi Anko! Just coming to pick up blondie, wouldn't want you to get tempted." Akane grinned at her, a hint of smugness evident.

"You know me too well." Anko stepped closer, putting her hands on Akane's hips.

"Yeah, I think I do, got here just in time huh." She responded by putting her hands on Anko's shoulders.

"I ain't admitting to nothing." Anko let her hands slip up and behind Akane, squeezing lightly.

"Not with your words, but that body is talking a different language." Akane let her own hands slide over Anko's shoulders in response, bringing the two women closer together. They were inches apart, lips almost touching.

"Huh, Akane-neechan? Wha-"Naruto was interrupted by a huge yawn before he could finish his question, bleary eyes closing as he covered his mouth with his free left hand, the other holding his jacket. "What are you doing here? What time is it?" Anko jumped back, realizing that she'd gotten so caught up in the hot woman holding her that she'd stopped watching her surroundings.

Rounding on the blonde, she bopped him on the top of his head. "Damn it Naruto, don't interrupt a good thing!" He simply pouted in return, eyes extra shiny from sleepiness induced tears, and looked over at Akane.

"Now now, Anko. I won't have any fighting between you two. And Naruto, I expected you to have come home at least an hour ago. You wouldn't want me to sleep alone, would you?"

"Looks like Anko could take care of that for you just as well, would you mind not seducing my dates in the future? It's tough on my self-esteem."

"Aww, you make it sound like I have to choose between you two. Wouldn't you like a bit of two on one, gaki?"

"Anko!" The reply was shouted by both Naruto and Akane, both blushing up a storm.

"We're siblings, keep what you two do in the bedroom to yourself!"

"Don't put ideas like that into my otouto's head, I'm not gonna let anyone corrupt him just yet!"

"Sheesh, you two really do act like siblings, how annoying. And here I was looking to reenact a bit of my favorite Icha Icha scene. I'm very disappointed in you two."

"If you want to play with Naruto, that's fine, but don't try to drag me into it. I want to keep what we have."

"Well, I suppose there are good things to come from variety too."

"Akane-neechan, let's head home now, I'm gonna get hunted down by Lee tomorrow for a spar, so I'll need some rest." Naruto glanced at Anko. "Unless you'd rather spend the night with Anko again."

"Meh, she prefers you and your onsen, gaki. No skin off my back, I'll just come over and visit tomorrow." Anko grinned, returning her usual mask of indifferent insanity.

Naruto frowned. He was pretty certain that she was covering up some hurt feelings again, and now that they had started forming a real bond, he wasn't about to let something like that get past him. "You know, Anko, I have a lot of space over at the house. You could move in if you want."

She froze, just for a fraction of a second, before shaking herself and opening her mouth to deliver a sarcastic 'No thanks'. Naruto beat her to it however. "It won't be a problem for me, and I'm pretty certain you'd like it better there where you're actually welcome than in this dump." He fixed his eyes on hers. "I do know all about not being universally loved by the villagers, and I don't give a shit about what it was that made people avoid you." Seeing that she was about to reply again, he put in a last jab. "At least think on it, okay? I won't be expecting anything in return, I'd just like for you to have a real home." With that he turned to Akane, who was smiling mysteriously. "Okay, I'm all done, let's go home Akane-neechan! Bye Anko-san!"

"Yeah, later Anko-chan."

"Umm, bye you two. Have a safe trip." Anko realized just how flustered she was after she recognized the words coming out of her mouth. Since when was she ever polite? "Stupid gaki." She muttered to herself, before stalking into her living room. Somehow she just knew that she'd be sleeping poorly that night.

While Anko started on her routine for going to bed in a bad mood, Akane and Naruto started making their way back to his mansion. The warm summer breeze was a welcome change from the sweltering heat of the day, and now that the sun had gone to rest, the evening was pleasant, various insects providing a discreet backdrop of sounds to round off the idyllic moment. "So, I expect you and Anko had a good time then?"

"Yeah, neechan, of course! Why shouldn't we?"

"Well, I'm just surprised she hadn't tied you to her bed is all, I know how she usually like to treat her dates. Not many guys can keep up with her."

"Well, maybe she doesn't think like that about me? I mean, except for the usual weirdness she likes to pull we spent most of the evening watching a movie."

"Naruto, I've known Anko for years. If it's male and in her apartment, she will have her way with it." Akane grinned. "I especially remember that guy Iruka. She used to have him entertain her on free weekends, starting off with a hunt and ending it with him strapped to her bed. She can be loads of fun when she feels like it."

"She did that to Iruka-sensei? No wonder he has eight locks on his door."

"By the way, were you serious about her moving in with you?"

"Of course! Why should she have to live at a rat's nest like that?"

Akane shook her head in wonder. "I can't believe she actually let you ask her to play house like that without getting all emotional."

"Anko gets emotional? She doesn't seem the type, you know?"

"Oh yes, she gets very emotional, in an 'I'm-gonna-stab-you-to-death-and-bury-you-in-dog-shit-bags-all-over-Konoha' kind of way. Anko is _not _into relationships of any kind, except for a very select few." She gave him a look. "Figures my little brother would succeed where so many others have failed."

"What, she's that popular?"

"She used to be, sort of. She's a firecracker in bed, she loves partying and she doesn't care much for whom she does either with. A lot of guys figured that means she's easy to get close too, although not for very long." Akane grinned. "The idea of a long term relationship doesn't really appeal to Anko, so she usually scares away anybody trying."

"Well, she probably doesn't think I'm serious, or just think of me as a friend. I mean, she did let me leave without anything improper – er happening."

"What does 'improperer' mean? Did she do something improper to you?"

"Ah, well, nothing too bad. I mean, like what Tenten did for example. She was kinda fired up when I got there, and there was an awkward moment when I won the Twister game, but otherwise it was fine. I even fell asleep."

Akane gave Naruto a look. "You fell asleep? Within a few feet of Anko? And you weren't molested?"

"Yes, yes and most definitely yes."

"Oh dear, I hope she's not coming down with anything."

* * *

**Third northern tunnel, abandoned Sound complex.**

"S-Sorry sir, I'm afraid I can't go on." The nin was hurt, blood oozing steadily from a severed artery in the leg. That could have been healed by a competent medic, but the part of his face that had been burned off would have been a challenge even for Tsunade. "Just make it pa-painless and quick."

As he'd done so many times, Sasuke activated his Sharingan eyes, giving the dying youngling a blissful end before letting the body slide to the floor. He wasn't sure if the images he'd catch a glimpse off as the teen left the world of the living was just a hallucination, or if he really was guiding his comrades towards some kind of afterlife paradise as they died. He didn't care much either. Mercy killing always wrenched at his conscience, even when he knew there was nothing he could have done. Some day your number simply came up, and then you got to meet your ancestors. All he did was help those he could along the way.

They were down to three now, himself included, but the exit from the old tunnel complex was close by, and a full squad would be waiting for their return. He'd left a lot of good shinobi behind him, taken down by the demons that now inhabitated Orochimaru's former base. In a pouch hidden away among his clothes were the prizes they'd been sacrificed for, and he dearly hoped the cost would prove to be justified. Looking towards the next intersection, he turned his back on the dead and signaled for his depleted team to move out.

As they crept slowly towards their destination, he kept his concentration on the shadows, expanding his awareness to hopefully find his enemies before they found him. He'd found it strange how useful their various shinobi skills and jutsus had proven against the horrors now stalking the underground passages. They ghosted across a wide arena, using the roof to slip past three of the creatures patrolling underneath. These were the lowest kind of demon he'd encountered, easily duped or avoided, but deadly if engaged in combat. The more alert and intelligent ones were a bigger challenge to avoid through stealth, but also much rarer. He'd even seen one, in the distance, that had a full four horns. It had towered head and shoulders above those around it.

There was a low whistling sound from up ahead, as though a wind had passed through a crack, and his team stopped. He waited until the whistle had repeated two more times before blinking his flashlight twice. When there was a response of two flashes his team moved forward, meeting up with the team in charge of covering their escape. No words exchanged, he simply traded understanding looks with the grizzled veteran he'd put in charge of the rearguard before signing orders to withdraw. They all headed topside, then took off quickly towards the first of three resting points that had been prepared in advance. As expected there were no wounded to care for. As soon as they arrived at the first camp, he sat down with his depleted task force, doing a quick debriefing. After confirming the ones lost and receiving the report of the rearguard, he set up a guard roster and went to sleep. They would rest until the next night before moving on, and he'd need all the rest he could get.

It would be a long and hazardous journey to Konoha, and the danger would only increase the closer he got to what had once been his home.

* * *

"Yo, Itachi-san, what are we waiting for? The complex is not far away now."

Itachi didn't react to his long-time partner's words, letting his gaze linger in a southern direction. He'd felt a brief flash of something from that direction, but now it was gone. It had seemed familiar however. He was tempted to go and investigate, but this time his mission would have to go before his personal interests. "True, Kisame-san. Let us be on our way. I am most curious about what has been happening in Sound while we have been busy elsewhere." Without any further pauses, he led the way towards the location of one of Orochimaru's former bases.

Their leader had had them trying to track down the Kyuubi jinchuuriki, but without any luck, as the teen had been taken under the protection of the toad Sannin. The wily old man had a lot of experience in hiding in plain sight, and although they had sometimes seemed to have gotten quite close, the trails would suddenly turn into nothingness, as another false lead was revealed. They'd learned quite a bit about investigating as the search went on, and spent a relaxing half-year on a southern island when their target had disappeared from the elemental countries completely. They still didn't know what had happened during that time, only that the leader had ordered them on a vacation. This had seemed absolutely silly right up to when they stepped into the warm azure blue waters for the first time.

Kisame had made a strangely contented sound and disappeared into the waters, only to reappear a few times a day to check on Itachi. Itachi himself had found a deserted beach, a cliff to dive from and a store that sold his favorite books. After the initial rush of slacking off was over, they started routinely sparring with each other to stay in shape, but they still had several hours a day to enjoy themselves.

Itachi was torn away from his memories when a malevolent feeling came rolling towards him from a dense patch of wood. It would seem that the rumors were true, he hadn't felt anything like this except when fighting jinchuuriki. And he knew for a fact that there were no living jinchuuriki in the entire country of Sound. While Kisame unwrapped his giant sword, Samehada, he himself drew a kunai and activated his Sharingan. It proved wise, as three large, feral shapes bounded out from under the cover of dense foliage and launched themselves at the two shinobi. Itachi managed to catch a decent look at their assailants, noticing red eyes with slits for pupils and mouths full of large, sharp fangs. They all sported a single horn, jutting out from the middle off the forehead on each of them.

They moved insanely fast, covering the distance in the blink of an eye. If their opponents had been unprepared, or just less skilled, the fight would have ended then and there. But Itachi and Kisame weren't just any opponents. Kunai and sword flashed through the air, the former ripping open a belly as the wielder danced under a talon covered paw, while the latter met force with force and severed its resistance at the waist. The third demon was unfazed by the deaths of its comrades, but before it could pounce a stream of liquid fire splashed over it, igniting its fur and sending it to the ground writhing and roaring in pain. Itachi ended his jutsu as Kisame severed the dying demon's head from its still burning body.

"It would seem that the rumors were no exaggerations. Let us see what we can learn in Orochimaru's old lair, shall we?"

"Why not? It's been too long since me and Samehada had a real life-or-death battle with worthy opponents. And I doubt anyone will be all that upset at us killing these beasts." Kisame had an even wider grin than normal, blood splattering his robes and the right side of his face. "Do you think they can talk? I've never tortured a demon before."

"Possibly, at least the higher ranking ones are supposed to be able to speak. These were quite low on that scale." Itachi's reply was almost animated, as an unusual feeling of excitement started to spread within him. Although the fight hadn't been too taxing, he had actually been forced to activate his Sharingan. These demons would most likely mean a real challenge to him, which he'd lacked dearly of late. "Let's go hunting Kisame-san."

"With pleasure Itachi-san."

With that the two Akatsuki members moved onwards, unusually eager to find more opponents to test themselves against.

* * *

**Konoha, that evening.**

As events were unfolding that would have an impact on the entire world of shinobi, four nins having dinner were totally oblivious to the fact that a time of legends was about to start. They were seated together at a table outside one of Konoha's more respected restaurants, working their way through some rather exotic dishes. Their conversation had mostly been centered on the Village hidden in Bamboo, as the three women had moved permanently to Konoha almost two years before. The one speaking the most had been the lone male, Osamu, while the others provided questions on all sorts of things, from relatives and friends to new building projects and changes in the village politics. The agreement between the Hokage and the Takekage was complex, as their main allegiance was supposed to be to Konoha, with a few exceptions. The fact that Osamu was there and that they'd just recently made some interesting discoveries meant that they were now moving within one of those exceptions. It was clearly stipulated that the agreement would be voided unless Konoha and its inhabitants upheld all agreements made between Konohagakure and Takegakure. If anything pointing towards Konoha not fulfilling their end of an agreement was discovered, the former Takenins were allowed to act to bring that to the attention of their birth village.

The topic they all avoided, albeit with great difficulty, was that they had found proof of such a thing, although the agreement couldn't be called upon just yet. To Osamu, it meant a chance to reclaim a part of the honor that his clan had lost in their failed coup attempt and a possibility to prove his loyalty to Take. To the other three, it was waving the possibility of visiting the village of their birth, and the many people they had left behind when moving to Konoha. Currently an ANBU born in Konoha was keeping an eye on them however, forcing them to hold the discussion of how to get the information back to Takegakure in discreet sign language.

"_I'm not staying here, I'm wearing the wrong forehead protector._" Signed Osamu.

"_Neither are we! I've barely heard from my sisters in two years, and the men keep misunderstanding what the bonds mean. I want a vacation!" _This was Saki, fingers twitching irritably.

"_Well, maybe we can get an escort mission to Take if we convince Tsunade-sama that he'll need protection?" _Saki's True-sister Aoi suggested.

"_And why would she let us go? Saki's been acting like she wants to rip open his belly and pour honey on his innards, then invite an ant hill to a picnic." _This was Yui, their teammate, well known for being outspoken and colorful in her choice of words.

"_Maybe if we made it sound like we just want to visit the village, show that we're not angry at Osamu-san anymore and are ready to do it for half the usual pay?" _Aoi played the role of mediator once more, focusing on solving the problem.

"_Hmm, that just might work."_

Both Saki and Yui winced. The idea was sound, but it would also mean a large drain on their budget for shopping.

* * *

A/N: Yes, it has been too long. I'm back at doing full-time work, so things have been changing rapidly in my daily routine. Anyone wanting to help me catch mistakes is welcome if the tone is kept civil. I am writing in two languages that aren't my own.

I'm hoping for a few reviews, would be nice to hear how the story is developing from someone that hasn't been keeping it in his head for longer than is really healthy.

Hmm, now to decide on what to write next. There are so many things to do!

I'll try to be faster with the next update (not very hard, right?), so until next time (whenever that may be).

Ja ne!


	11. A truth most unpleasant

Haan: Hello, you have reached my sligthly delayed update. Please contact Jiraiya for any complaints.

Jiraiya: What the- Why am I doing this?

Haan: Cause Kakashi has to appear in this chapter, and he can't do that if he's torn limb from limb in an exceedingly painful manner. Oh, and because there will be hot girls involved.

Jiraiya: Oh, ok then. Haan claims no part of anything that has to do with the Naruto story or world, except possibly his own dreamed up OCs. Now where are the girls?

Haan: I think they're among that group of very upset readers over there, with the chains and wild horses and what not.

Jiraiya: Wohoo! Ladies, here I come! *Runs off towards crowd*

Haan: Thank [insert-deity-of-choice-here] for stupid super-perverts. There may be A/Ns at the bottom and the bloody remains of Jiraiya, peace over his memory.

**

* * *

**

**A truth most unpleasant**

Night had long ago passed the midway point, and a faint light on the horizon was a first hint of the new day to come. Even the thieves and most desperate of whores had taken an early evening, the summer storm that had blown in an hour or so after midnight was of course a contributing factor. It was also making life miserable for the ANBU tasked with watching Konoha's resident jinchuuriki.

The watching shadow was diligent, checking the integrity of the alarm network that surrounded the main building. It wasn't part of the compound's own security system, only giving a silent warning to the operator of any unexpected presences. It could of course be bypassed, hence the routinely examinations.

Unfortunately it couldn't detect all sorts of presence, nor could it give access to dreams.

"_Tasty."_

"_Morsel."_

"_Where are you?"_

"_Come dance with me sugar!"_

"_So cold. Give me warmth."_

Naruto twisted his head.

"_No, I don't want to-!"_

"_We are lonely."_

"_I want to drain you."_

"_Let me touch you."_

Naruto shivered.

"_Come to us."_

"_Or we come for-"_

"_**YOU!"**_

Screaming wordlessly, Naruto tore himself into the waking world. Then he fell out of the bed, his bed sheets effectively snaring his legs.

Strangely the voices hadn't stopped.

"_Come play with us we want to eat your bones grind them to dust suck the-"A_ resounding slap brought Naruto back into reality.

"Naruto! Hey! You okay there?" It only took Naruto a moment to recognize his adopted sister, before mashing himself into her in a hug. The idea of letting someone in that close just a few months before, with the possible exception of Sakura, had never crossed his mind. But he trusted Akane as he trusted himself, and after an experience like that he needed any and all comforting he could get.

"Whoa, easy there, I like my ribs unbroken thank you very much!" Akane was not speaking without strain, as her otouto was squeezing her for all he was worth. He'd had bad dreams before, but this was the first time he'd reacted like this. "Hey, what's wrong Naruto?"

"They're here." It was a statement made in the kind of voice of absolute certainty that you usually only get from a brown envelope marked with the equivalent of "tax-authority". There was not a shred of humor, mystery or uncertainty in it. They were here, whoever they were, and had apparently scared a jinchuuriki known for his ability to charge headlong into danger enough to make him reach out for safety. It was endearing, but also very worrying.

"Naruto calm down. It's just you and me in this room." Prying herself loose, she quickly checked under the bed, but Anko was nowhere in sight. The teen slowly got his breathing under control, although he was still quivering a fair bit. He drew a breath, as if to speak.

Then the shaking suddenly stopped, and Naruto became limp in her hands.

* * *

When Naruto opened his eyes, he immediately regretted it.

"_First some shittier than really shitty nightmare and now that bastard wannabe demon wants to chat. Great, Akane's gonna go spare."_

He was, of course, in that special part of his mind reserved for his unwanted resident. It was kind of worrying, as he hadn't been able to talk to the fox demon for over a year. He noticed that the small changes to the sewers he'd made in return for the furball's reluctant aid were still in place. There were plenty of torches lighting the way, and the sewage water was still completely gone.

Wandering over to the large gate keeping the nine-tails from creating a serious demand for construction materials, body bags and orphanages he could see that the changes made on the other side also remained in place. The furball was lying curled up on the large rug he'd made, and the portal leading to the memory pocket-space was still in place. A couple of skeletons and a curtain of fire along one wall gave the cage that hellish feeling that his tenant apparently preferred. He did notice that one tail was attached to the portal.

Staring at the contentedly snoozing lump of orange fur, Naruto tried to get its attention as gently as possible. "Oiii! Up and at 'em! Early worms strangle the birds or whatever!" He yelled, kicking at the bars and creating a racket loud enough to wake the dead, whatever good that could possibly do anyone.

The large mass of fur started to move at the commotion, tails shifting away to reveal large ears springing erect and eyes that burned with an unholy amount of annoyance. **"Took your time little one. I thought servants knew better than to keep their masters waiting?"**

"Well, if you ever get around to being a good servant, let me know, 'cause Kami knows you've done jack all for over a year now."

"**That's all you know whelp! If you could even begin to comprehend the amount of work I've done to prepare you for what is coming you would be on your hands and knees, praising my wisdom and power!"**

"You haven't even bothered to answer my calls you lazy asshole!"

"**That's because I've been busy****,**** forcing your body through another growth spurt****, you ignorant sack of puce****."**

"Yeah, well you can…. WHAT?"

"**HA! Got your attention now, haven't I? Are you going to waste more time yelling feeble insults at your better or are you going to listen for a change?"**

Face scrunged up in an unhappy grimace, Naruto settled for nodding his consent.

"**Good. Now, the first thing I should tell you is that the nightmare you just had isn't really a nightmare. A coterie of mid level demons have been trying to get a sense of where the remaining jinchuuriki are currently located, and one way or another have managed to find you. Normally the shield I create to ward your mind would keep all but the most powerful seekers from locating you, but I expect that me concentrating on turning your body into an ideal sex tool weakened the protection."**

"So, they, whoever they are, know who I am and where I'm at. Is that bad?"

**"Well, right now there aren't enough of them to pose a threat any real distance from their nest, so unless you're stupid enough to go there we should be safe for quite a while longer."**

"Okay, so who are they?"

"**The short answer is; Evil demons bent on destroying this world. The longer one involves parallel worlds, like the one the toad summons come from, a sanity-destroying need to kill and horns."**

Naruto, deciding that there were places he didn't really want to go right now, went for the easiest one to understand. "Horns?"

"**Horns. Kind of like how we tailed demons show our power, except demons tend to keep the number of horns they are born with. They are also a lot more different depending on how many horns they have. And before you make me annoyed by asking, they can have anywhere from one to nine horns. Bloody copy-cats."**

"Okay. So, the destroying the world part? I expect it has to do with the insanity thing."

"**Give the kid a grade A for basic Logic. Of course it does, although they don't really think so. Fuck, this is taking too much of my recovery time. What you need to know right now is that us bijuu aren't just running around causing havoc because we like it, okay? Well, at least not only because of that. We're acting as suppressants on a bunch of portal gems, and as long as our chakra is linked to the gems they won't activate for anything. Meaning that until just over a year ago the realm of the devouring demons was completely unreachable. Against all odds someone has captured a bijuu and sealed it perfectly. It's supposed to be impossible, but then you humans have a thing about messing everything up for yourself."**

"**Most likely we'll find those Akatsuki bastards on the other end if we start looking for the missing bijuu but, seeing as how they might bring about the end of the human realm in this world and are crazily powerful, that would be so stupid that only you would consider it." **The fox stopped speaking then, and examined its host carefully. **"Well, I suppose you've matured enough to know some of the truth. Sit down little one. I've got a long story to tell."**

"**A long time ago, this world was a battleground for humans and demons. This was before the first shinobi appeared, so you relied heavily on technology much advanced past what you use today. At one point the demons found a way to subvert your technology, forcing humanity to go back to the weapons you might find today. Swords, spears, bows. Anything that could keep a one horn from getting within striking distance was a good thing. This gave rise to the samurai and the demon hunters that you can still find today. However, the demons were stronger, and slowly humanity was forced back. At this time some of the demons possessed humans to infiltrate your strongholds, and since sex is a very common activity among your kind, they did it too. Often it was with an unwilling or charmed partner, but even those demons refused to kill a pregnant mate, which led to children being born with demonic traits."**

"**Now, chakra is a part of human life, as in all larger organisms, kind of like your blood. All humans produce a small amount to keep their body going. The difference that came from the demon-spawned children was the ability to control and expand on the usage of chakra. The first counterattack by those children, a mere handful, collapsed an entire front of the demons assault and started a new age of the centuries' long struggle. Demons are prideful beings, you see, and prefer one-on-one combat and dueling, if possible. A few of the rarer kinds can be smart enough to think of more clandestine ways, but most prefer to prove their power by crushing their opponent in a stand-up fight.**

**These new humans were completely without such barriers however, as their demon parentage warped some of their personality. Humanity's pragmatism and survival instinct coupled with the demonic blood thirst to create the assassins that move in shadow. The ninja. Their only interest lay in killing their enemies, all other considerations were secondary, and a demon that walked into a trap or was stabbed from behind died just like any demon that lost a duel."**

"**Humanity's victory was made complete when the one you call the Sage of the Six Paths struck a deal with the protector of my realm. He'd been caught by the demons and was saved by that human, thus granted any boon he asked for. As he was only interested in conquering his enemies, he asked for a way to defeat the demons. The answer to that question lay in bringing me and my peers into this world. Albeit reluctant, we swore to suppress the power that activated the portal gems of the demons, allowing them free access into this world. To prevent us from being used for unsavory purposes, we were sealed into hosts and distributed among the powers that ruled back then."**

"**Naturally, humans started waging war on each other almost as soon as the gems had been deactivated, and that's when the shinobi made their mark. There were several different groupings, and eventually all of them had decided on a faction to support. The winners, or rather the survivors, became the founders of the clans and the kekkei genkai families. By then normal humans had started to teach their young ones how to mold chakra as well, or how to combat shinobi effectively. It took centuries of fighting before the villages were founded, and we were always the favored weapons of the main factions." **

The giant fox sighed in blissful remembrance. **"Ahh, good times. Strong opponents whenever you turned around, bountiful rewards, and the vixens were honored to bear a child sired by a jinchuuriki, hoping to produce a powerful bloodline. I even managed to convince one host to sell his services as a stud to a whole village. They never realized that the children would be loyal only to him. That's how Getsugakure was formed, but the host got himself killed after only a few years after he'd taken control. A shame, he had an awesome kind of humor."**

**"Once the villages started forming properly, playtime was over. Us bijuu and our jinchuuriki became strategic weapons. We were after all still the best way to aquire a bloodline, and our hosts were all pretty powerful. We were distributed once again, this time to various shinobi villages. The idea was to roughly even out the power of the villages, creating a balance to keep the world at something resembling peace. The one doing the distributing was your first Hokage, and to ensure that no one thought that Konoha was abusing their position as the strongest village, he sent me to the newly started village of Whirlpool. My host found a wife there, and their happy marriage together with the gifting of my powers brought the two villages together as long term allies."**

The giant fox yawned. **"The rest is history that you can read in the library, or ask that busty vixen ruling Konoha about. I never was all that aware of the outer world while sealed, so I can't tell you all that much. Now, you'll need to discuss this information with big-boobs at some point, and I suggest you wait until Sunday. I'm still not fully recovered, and if she wants to have words with me she can ask one of the Yamanaka for aid. Until then you still need to get your dates to work out, you've already hooked seven excellent procreation specimens. Enjoy them." **Naruto was disturbed by the fact that the demon fox somehow managed to leer just like Jiraiya.

"Well, that was quite a bit to take in. And if you think I'm gonna fuck those girls just to please you, you can go right back to sleep and never wake up asshole."

"**Weren't you supposed to get smarter growing up?"**

"I am, I'm not yelling madly at you for not telling me the minute this started."

"**Well, I suppose I'll have to concede your point."**

"So?"

"**So what?"**

"So why the hell not tell me this right away? We could have-"

"**We could have done nothing! The gems have been kept in what is now known as The land of Sound, and the portal is most likely messing up Orochimaru's base like there is no tomorrow right now. If you want to go through a shit load of curse-marked ninjas and one of the Sannin to have a go at slaying a nest with an active gem, feel free, but I want to switch hosts first."**

Grumbling under his breath, Naruto decided to drop his protests. For now. "One thing though, why the growth spurt and the permanent hunk-no-jutsu? Being drooled over like the bastard isn't my idea of fun."

"**Ha! Hunk-no-jutsu. You are getting to be a bit fun kiddo. Fine, I'll tell you, but you won't like it. I mean, even trying to recuperate I noticed what you were up to. How you managed to not get laid with all of your dates so far is beyond me. That blonde was practically begging to be violated and the snake-girl is freaky enough to impress even me. Too bad about the knife-girl, but I didn't know she had issues with me."**

"What the hell has that have to do with anything? And what about Tenten?"

"**Well, the girl who loves shiny weapons more than is really healthy for her is currently in some kind of depression, or something. Since your enforced and quickened growth had some side effects, she acted a lot less sane than she would have otherwise. Basically your body has been producing pheromones tainted by me since I started your new puberty, and a whole lot of them the last month or so, which can cause people to ignore or overcome their inhibitions, act out of character or have some kind of psychosis. Usually, the effect isn't very strong, but if someone was close enough for long enough, they'd probably be affected by it. You've been releasing less ever since I finished my work, but apparently it was enough to affect your date. If I'd known that she would get violent like that I'd have warned you."**

"Wait, what about Akane-neechan?"

"**Do you really expect someone to suddenly offer to become your sister just like that? She probably wanted to, somewhere deep inside, but I bet it would have taken a lot longer if you hadn't been so close for so long. Come to think of it, you've probably been affecting a lot of people lately."**

"Well, why didn't you tell me anyway? And is that why Jiraiya kept running off to score women?"

"**Pfft, I doubt there are much in the way of inhibitions left in that man, and I was going to tell you once I finished improving your body, only you suddenly had a whole bunch of dates going for you. Of course, me not filtering your alcohol intake for that night helped a bit. And once I realized the potential mates, I figured I could get your innocence taken care of as well. Oh, that reminds me, I didn't filter the aphrodisiac, but the stomach acid retardant and the hangover cure that was in that glass you accepted from snake-freak, I took away. Wouldn't want you to miss your first hangover, right?"**

"Wait; is that the stuff I was drugged with? And you removed the effects? Then why didn't I remember anything?"

"**Because you got drunker than a sailor coming ashore after a two year cruise. Seemed like a shame to let good booze go to waste, and you put away enough for even me to get tipsy. Been a long time since I laughed so much."**

"How do you know so much about all this anyway?"

"**Remember the memory mini-dimension we set up before? I converted it to give me access to your senses. I can't affect them, but I can get a decent idea of what's going on out there. And control my healing-your-pathetic-ass a bit better. I swear a guy that has taken as many hits as you have should have learnt to dodge by now."**

"Well, you just remember that there are things I want to be kept private. And I still say that you're talking out of your ass. Why the hell is me getting laid so damn important?"

"**Well, unless you can do something about releasing my missing comrade, and find a way to clear a Nest real swift like, we'll be fighting demons for quite some time. Possibly decades or even centuries. I'm planning on getting you to make babies like anybody's business and train those children to help you crush those horned idiots to paste. Unfortunately most of the knowledge about us bijuu has been lost, so some of us are bound in females, but they should be able to produce a few decent off-spring as well. And of course, if you meet any of those females, your combined descendant would probably be off the charts in the power department."**

"I really hope you're kidding."

"**Nope, sorry. All out of humor here, but I'll be generous and give you some sympathy. I do know a bit about you and, well, your issues with trusting people and all that. If I could think of another way, I'd tell you about it, but right now I have a duty to prepare you for a war that might last for decades or even centuries, and that doesn't leave me with a lot of options besides turning you into a kekkei genkai factory. Unless you think me possessing you completely sound like a good idea."**

"Fuck that! And I'm not going to start knocking up women just because you can't think of anything better you pervert! Go to hell!"

"**I'd go home if I could. Well, if you can find an alternative, go ahead and try it. I for one am through discussing this for now, so go comfort your 'sister'. Just remember to keep this to yourself; we can decide what to do later. I know you love this pathetic excuse of a village, but that doesn't mean that we can let them decide your fate anymore. This situation has every potential to go FUBAR before you can finish a bowl of ramen, so we need to be in control and reasonably free to make our own decisions. Now get the fuck out of here kid, I still don't like you."**

With that, Naruto found himself back in the real world.

* * *

_**The Halfway Inn near the border between Kaze no kuni and Kawa no kuni**_

Shikamaru shifted, his internal alarm clock telling him that the sun was high enough in the sky to get ready to travel. That is, the first beams were just showing over the horizon. Groaning softly, he tried to push himself up. Something soft, warm and heavy kept his arms from moving however. Still just barely awake, he tried to figure out what the weights were, feeling around with his left hand. The sensations told him that his arms were being covered by skin. This seemed strange, and for some reason he thought that he was in danger, but he couldn't remember why.

Feeling around more his left hand brushed over something that felt different. Something was sticking out from the skin, and as he kept rubbing it, the thing got harder and bigger. There was an important connection between the two, but he just couldn't make it. Then he heard a slightly familiar voice groan, and finally started to realize his position.

For one, his arms weren't tied down, there were girls lying on top of them, one on each arm weighing them down. Naked girls, as far as he could tell. For two, girl number three was lying on top of him, apparently naked as well, and he was rubbing one of her nipples. That was really embarrassing, or exciting. Yeah, probably more exciting than embarrassing, but he was more interested in getting out alive than getting some, his brain thankfully had a head start on his libido. Then he remembered that it was his bed, his room and all of it was supposedly protected by seals.

"_What the hell is going on, and how do I get out of it alive? And why are my supposed teammates not getting the hint?" _

The reason for Shikamaru's irritation lay not in the bountiful amount of female flesh currently holding him hostage but in the fact that he'd specifically told his subordinates off during dinner.

_**Dinnertime the evening before**_

"-so, as flattered as I am, I must ask you to focus on our mission. If you're wearing the Konoha headband anywhere outside of Konoha, you can expect most passing shinobi to try to at least put something in your food. Being the biggest and most bad-ass around means that almost everyone else gets hit with an inferiority complex when they see you, and I really don't want to stay here for another three days while you go through a bout of poisoning. Any questions? Have I made myself clear?"

Looking over his decidedly hot female team, he once more had to fight down a primal urge to skip the dressing-down (HAH!), grab the three girls and drag them up to his room for as much sex as his body could cope with. Yes, the whole 'making babies' thing was a bit unsettling, but he could probably avoid that if he wanted to. They would need to make him commit to a mating bond, whatever the hell that was, before accepting getting knocked up. Apparently it had to do with ensuring a functional father figure, and some other details that he'd read into if he ever decided to take up their offer. Right now he needed to address the problem of team dynamics. Or rather, that they were using said dynamics against him, instead of potential enemies.

Besides, troublesome though it was, his own morals wouldn't let him use the girls like that, even though they were technically trying to use him first.

One of the girls raised a hand tentatively. "Yes, Miyako?"

"So, how about we take turns keeping watch and you entertain the two that are free?"

"Denied, and the reason is simple. We'll reach Suna tomorrow. I need to stay focused for my meeting with the Kazekage and the mission, as do you. Now, since we've finished eating, go do whatever it is you do as long as you stay safe." With that, Shikamaru turned and headed for the door, hoping to avoid any more offers. He really didn't know how much more he could take.

_**Back in the bed**_

"_That wording might have been a mistake. Kami, I hate having morals. And lacking condom- bad thought! Go away!" _Despite the command, Shikamaru could feel that the closeness of his temporary teammates was having an increasingly uncomfortable effect on him. Troublesome suddenly didn't seem big enough a word.

Focusing, he sent out his shadow and started to carefully move the girls off him. What he hadn't thought of was just how weak his shadow would be with so little daylight outside, and so he quickly overstretched his technique and dumped the girls back down. This resulted in him once again being captured under the troublesome trio, only now they were also waking up. _"Yeah, this won't be awkward at all. I'm gonna have to kill someone soon."_

"Shikamaru?"

"Too early, turn off the light."

"Why did you bring a kunai to bed?"

Wishing he had a wall to slam his head into, Shikamaru did as best as he could by repeatedly bashing his head into the pillows while reciting the shinobi code of conduct to himself. A few dozen rules later he'd gotten most of his temper under control. Where all the anger was coming from he wasn't sure, but he knew as well as anyone that it was very unlike him to put this much energy and emotion into anything. "Would you troublesome girls mind explaining why the hell you're in my bed despite our chat yesterday evening?"

"Well, remember when you said that we should do whatever it is we do to stay safe?"

"-Yes?"

"Well, we thought about it, and decided that we'd all be much safer if we stayed near our strong team leader. This was as close as we could get while you were still asleep."

"Figures. Why didn't I wake up?"

"We're kunoichi from Bamboo. Getting in and out of beds unnoticed is one of our specialties. Wanna see some of the other things we're good at."

"Yes, but not now and not without getting to know you and the reason why you won't leave me alone. When the hell did you decide on chasing me? Or were you just feeling bored?"

Gina, completely unconcerned that she was currently only wearing a pair of skimpy, lacy white panties, got out of bed and walked over to where their packs were stashed. She rummaged through her bag and pulled out a magazine before getting back under the covers. When she showed it to him, he suddenly got a massive set of shivers down his spine.

"The Seductress Monthly? Why are you showing me this?"

"Well, we read about you in here."

"What?"

"Yeah, various people write in about good seduction marks, like the really hot ones, clan heirs or leaders, or even just really powerful shinobi. I can read it to you." Michiko reached over and grabbed the paper before settling back, incidentally putting his hand back at her breast. When Shikamaru realized he couldn't feel it, he understood why he'd had trouble pushing the girls away. One arm was completely asleep and the other wasn't much better.

"Are you listening? Good, 'Dear fellow readers of Seductress Monthly. I write to you because I'm worried for my seventeen year old son, Shikamaru. He's a fairly powerful shinobi and well-respected in Konoha, where he currently holds the rank of Chuunin. However he is also a very lazy boy, with a few exceptions, and I have come to fear that I will not be seeing any grand children unless I force the issue somehow. I've enclosed some pictures and various facts that I believe are useful to any decent seductress looking to settle down and start a family. As I am his mother and care for him, I will not tolerate anyone trying to simply use my boy, he is a clan heir with both wealth and influence awaiting him upon succeeding his father. Anyone willing to approach him must be aware that marriage and commitment are the only acceptable forms of relationship to us. That said, if a certain amount of coercion is needed to make him straighten out his life, I will gladly help. His former girlfriend has told me that he likes girls that-"

"Stop, please!"

"Oh, and look at the pictures." Michiko continued. "I'd never think you were this ripped."

"Oh Kami, mom sent pictures? The hell! I'm in the shower at Ino's place there!"

"Guess Ino sent some too then. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? I could totally see you with a cool dragon on your abs."

"Na, one of those sexy ones that go up a bit at the throat would be nicer. You know, a tribal kind."

While the girls kept bickering over what kind of body art would fit Shikamaru better, Michiko let a different page fall open. Feeling distracted, Shikamaru looked at the page for over a minute before realizing what he was reading.

"Why is there something called 'Naruto news'?"

* * *

"Itachi."

"Yes Kisame-san?"

"Is there a reason for us to return to the surface already?"

"Yes Kisame-san. I believe we have learnt enough to report back to Pain-sama now, and I have to check on the latest update from our sources on Naruto-kun."

"Hmpf, if I hadn't seen the result myself, I'd never believe that posing as one of his admirers would give us such valuable information."

"Indeed, but both I and my foolish little brother know well the resourcefulness of fans." He paused, and one could almost believe that a small smile had appeared on his face, before being brutally stabbed to death. "Besides, giving him his own fan club is an incredibly nasty form of torture. I should know, it took almost a year before my own section in that wretched paper was taken out."

"Only to reappear in 'Nuke-nin News'. Somehow I can't make myself envy you, but I can't say I pity you either."

"It is not always a bother, some of those girls do grow a brain after a while, and they tend to do pretty much anything I ask. I just wish there weren't so many male fans that thought more of my nail polishing habit than it is."

* * *

_**Konoha, Naruto's house**_

"Naruto, are you heading out now?" Naruto paused, a sandal in one hand and the other strapped to his foot.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go let Lee find me. He'll probably start howling at the moon soon if I don't let him have a 'friendly spar' with me. It's fine, I'm not supposed to meet Kakashi-sensei and Sakura for another two hours. Are you really sure that you talking to Tenten is the right thing to do?" He was still in two minds about the weapons lover, and her rather unusual display of affection.

"Yes otouto, I am sure. She may have been influenced by something, but that does not excuse her completely. I'm going to talk it over with her, and unless I find a reason to string her up by her entrails she'll be by here later to apologize. Then I expect she'll be begging you for a bit more of that tender loving care that you do so well. You stud you." Akane's voice got steadily stronger as she got closer to the entrance hall, and the last sentence was accompanied by her teasing smile, as she appeared in the door to the common room.

Naruto had not told Akane everything, but a few of the things that his unwanted resident had mentioned were safe to pass on. His adopted big sister had been close to write Tenten off completely, but after learning of how the girl hadn't been the only one to blame for the onsen incident she'd decided to give her a shot at explaining herself.

"Blah blah blah, if I was such a stud I'd pick Anko up on her offer, wouldn't I?"

"No, that would be if you were a pig. You respecting her feelings is a very nice thing to see."

"Huh, what feelings? She's already playing patty-cake with you, and probably a half dozen other people in the village. I'm just glad that she respects me and you being sorta siblings enough to not rape me."

"Naruto…" Akane's voice was tinged heavily with both worry and disappointment.

"Sorry, I guess I'm still a bit cranky."

"Anko isn't like that Naruto, don't let her fool you."

"Of course she isn't."

"I'm serious. I've never had sex with her for one thing."

"…What?"

"It's true. We're just friends. She's been alone for a long time now, and we kinda matched up because we both aren't really accepted by most people."

"But all that touching and stuff?"

"It's a game we play with each other. She dares herself to accept affection, and I dare myself to trust that someone will just be my friend. The first to back down pays for the next round when we go drinking." Naruto blinked owlishly at that piece of information.

"Wow, sorry neechan, didn't know that."

"Well, we're really good at our game nowadays."

"And when you claimed that you didn't know her before?"

"I just wanted to know if you had any real prejudices against her. She acts either really scary or really horny to test people. I'm betting that she'll be over here in a day or two, her luggage in tow, asking whether you prefer top or bottom when sleeping. I don't think anybody's ever offered her something like you did without expecting something in return."

"So, why are you telling me this?"

"Because I know you would never dream of using her, so I don't want you to hurt her or yourself by believing her theatrics too much. She never really healed after what that bastard of a snake did to her, and if she's ever to have a shot at a decent life, it's up to someone like you to help her get it."

"Why me?"

Akane smiled warmly. "Sorry, I can't tell you that yet or you might get a bigger head than your neck can carry. Now run off and play with your friend."

"Fine, fine, oh lady of cryptical sayings. Later."

"Later Naruto-kun."

As he ran off to find Lee, Naruto reflected that his life had gotten a lot more complicated the last few days. One girl was going to need some kind of therapy and a chance at repentance, another apparently wanted to move their relationship forward so quickly that they'd be teleporting past bases, and one he'd somehow managed to become responsible for, period.

And he still has four dates left.

On the plus side he had been getting a lot more kisses than he ever thought possible, he'd seen quite a lot of hot women in equally hot clothing, or without clothing at all, and he'd gotten a sister.

And he still has four dates left.

Well, all things considered he had to concede that his life had been going great lately, even though he still was apprehensive about spending so little time training or doing missions. And that evening he was going on a date with Hinata, who was possibly the gentlest, most refined woman in all of Konoha. It was almost guaranteed that nothing weird could happen with her around. He was a bit confused as to why she'd wanted him for a date, but figured he'd ask her at a suitable moment later.

Yep, it would be a great evening. After all, what could possibly go wrong?

* * *

"So, if I'm supposed to be with you three at the same time, how exactly am I going to last long enough?" Shikamaru asked as he closed his vest. He still wasn't nor sounded convinced, but was willing to hear them out to keep them content.

"Oh, we've got that part covered." Michiko replied. "Gina, get me the aphrodisiac potion please."

As Gina moved over to the backpacks once more, she turned to Shikamaru to explain. "We've got some pretty good help for those that need to satisfy several partners at a time. There's the soldier pill, of course, but those can be poisonous if over consumed, and do not address the part of wanting more. So we've developed something else. All someone with a well trained physique like you really need is motivation, and this blue…Gina, this is the confidence booster, where is the aphrodisiac?"

"Ops, I thought the aphrodisiac was the cyan one. My bad!" Miyako's cheerful response made Michiko take on a look of horror.

"Miyako, what did you do with the blue potion?"

* * *

**The Hyuuga Clan compound**

Hinata looked at the small vial in her hands and the blue liquid inside. One of her friends from Bamboo had given it to her, saying that if she felt like her old 'issues' were returning during her date she could take a few drops in a glass of water to calm herself.

She wasn't really thrilled at the idea of drugging herself to be able to have a normal date with the boy- no, man- that she'd had feelings for since she started at the academy. At the same time she knew that she had some impressive competition, and she'd be damned if all her hard work the last few years wouldn't be rewarded for at least one night. She'd earned a bit of happiness, damn it, and if her old nerves started acting up then all bets were off.

Letting her decision ease the frown on her brow, she put the vial back inside the padded slot in her medicine box and closed into, before rising and turning towards the door. As she went outside she let her usual small smile, uncommon among the Hyuuga but not out of place, fixate the mask she showed the clan she was now the heir of. Getting to where she was today had not been easy. Amongst other things she'd had to convince her father Hiashi that neither her strength nor her technique was flawed, which had taken endless hours of grueling training and mental conditioning.

One important stepping stone had been to overcome her fear of hurting her little sister. If she couldn't fight her seriously, she would never have a chance against her of father. And although she had at times hated how he treated her, she had never forgotten the good times when her mother was still alive.

After her mother died, Hiashi had been grief struck, but under the pressure of now leading the clan without the backing of his gentle, well-loved and politically sharp wife, he'd withdrawn inward. He could not express his grief even in his private rooms, as none could be certain who was watching in that clan. There were wards available for intimate moments, but he could not bring himself to activate those, as it might be interpreted as him finding comfort with some other woman. Hiashi might have his faults, but not taking his marriage seriously was not one of them. He'd fought hard to be able to marry Hinata's and Hanabi's mother, as she was a kunoichi not from one of the prominent clans in Konoha. She also lacked political connections and her family was comprised of modestly successful glass-workers.

A marriage for a Hyuuga either meant keeping the bloodline intact by marrying someone within the clan or someone who either had titles, wealth or influence. Preferably all three. When the then freshly minted clan leader had declared that he was betrothed to a woman whom would bring none of the above to the marriage, the clan had quietly and stoically moved towards catastrophe.

They had, against all odds, managed to both keep the clan together and marry. That feat alone allowed them almost ten years of blissful marriage, and resulted in two daughters. Due to Konoha's rather unusual view of women being equal to men one of those two girls was to become the next clan leader, and Hinata had been the first pick.

The trouble was that it would condemn her little sister to a life little better than that of a slave.

Once Hinata had been shown the dark secret that was the Caged Bird seal, and the terrible power it had over the branch portion of the clan, the unusually clever girl had quickly realized that her being the heir would land her beloved sibling in the branch, seal on forehead and all.

At the tender age of seven, she'd reached the decision to play for time. She wasn't clear on all the details, but she knew that if she proved disappointing then her father would choose Hanabi instead, postponing the need for the seal by several years. Her hope, naïve though it was, was that she would be able to find an alternative to the seal by then. The cost for her decision was seeing her father's disappointment in her failure to emulate the woman she resembled. He, in turn, vented much of his pent up sorrow on her without even realizing it, raining harsh words and even harsher training on her in reply.

If she'd been told of the solution back then, she'd scarcely believe it, and would most likely have lost her little sister if she did.

The simple truth had been strength.

All elders and decision makers in the clan either were or had been active shinobi. A trial by arms was almost unheard of, and when she challenged the entire Hyuuga council, staking herself irrevocably in the process, all but her cousin and her father had thought the girl mad. A loss would not only mean being sealed, but being sterilized, exiled and the end of her shinobi career.

Hiashi had smiled, barely, when she delivered her challenge. He could not, would not go easy on her, as anything she gained from the fights to come must be real for it to have any value. To his surprise and hidden joy, she needed no handicap. She had soundly beaten the three men, including himself, that were chosen to represent the clan. Her fighting style, while utilizing all the elements of the traditional Hyuuga close combat technique, had been altered to fit her physique as well as give her the ability to attack at mid range.

The fact that she'd won gave her the power she needed to start changing the stagnating clan, and although the opposition to change was tenacious, her will had turned into something to bend steel against.

The fact that she applied a very special genjutsu based seal every morning, which made her feel like a certain blonde boy was watching her every move, was something she kept to herself.

Once she'd beaten her elders into submission, she was pronounced heir once more and given a seat in the elder's council. Her first act, and the next step, had been to demand the end of the caged bird seal. No new ones were to be given and a way to remove those in existence was to be found. The answer had been immediate, but this time her father was on her side, and Neji was allowed to champion her as well. The three new duelers selected by her detractors were faced by herself, her father and her cousin, and were once again defeated.

It had taken time for her to reach this stage. The help needed had come from a team of former Bamboo kunoichi that she befriended almost a year after Naruto had left on his training journey. They were all confident, skilled and unafraid to stare down her haughty family. They had helped Hinata immensely, mostly by helping her with her confidence issues. How they'd done that had been embarrassing in the extreme, but Hinata found that when the worst had already happened, it could only get better. As long as she wasn't dead at least.

The girls had also helped her realize how she could reclaim her title and put an end to the branch family. She herself had never been told the rules that governed the elders, or the ones that allowed the changing of others. There was a hole in her knowledge of her clan that she hadn't even realized. She'd felt pretty stupid after having that pointed out. She hadn't even considered asking about it. A few words in the ear of the right branch member and she and her new friends had access to over a dozen scrolls with the clan's history, rules of contention and other interesting topics.

There was possibly a rule about not showing it to outsiders, but she figured that a ninja was supposed to be sneaky and break rules, so whatever. This was after all about doing something she'd promised Naruto-kun. Few things were more important.

Now, she was about to start the final preparations for the most important evening of her young life. The possibility of her ever getting closer than a very good friend of Naruto's was theoretical, as the clan never would accept a union between her and the village's secret weapon and favorite scape goat. He probably didn't know that she knew about his sacrifice, but she hoped that he would tell her himself during their date. Either way, there were some things she could do to make the date a memory to treasure for the rest of her life. Although the man she'd eventually marry might well be good to her, and most certainly would not hold any power over her that she did not allow him, she could not hope for anything more than a marriage that would be bearable.

The coming evening might well be her only shot at tasting what other, luckier women took for granted.

Pushing that depressing thought from her mind, she entered the innermost garden and crossed to the small building that stood in its center. Things could still go wrong, but she had promised herself that it would have nothing to do with her not being prepared. Pulling the door aside, she offered her little sister and her cousin a genuine smile.

"Good morning you two, how are the preparations going?"

* * *

"Excuse me!" A voice shouted out, and Naruto, always curious and easily distracted, turned towards the source. He didn't expect it to concern him, but the brown haired girl standing outside a hardware store was looking directly at him, and there were almost no people on that particular side street.

"Who, me?" He asked, still a little unbelieving of the unlikely scenario.

"Yeah you, you're Uzumaki Naruto, aren't you?" The girl smiled at him as she walked closer.

"Um, yeah, I am. And who might you be?" Naruto was feeling a little bit of unease. His past experiences with girls, excepting the last few days and his adopted sister, had very little to do with big smiles. Unless a vengeful fist followed of course.

"Oh, I'm Maki! Wow, you're even taller than I imagined." Now she was standing just a tad too close, but he didn't want to act like he was scared and stood his ground.

"Um thanks?"

"Oh, and you're even cuter than in the pictures!"

"Pictures?"

"Uhu. Say, could you do me a favor?"

"Um, yeah, I guess."

"Can I hug you?"

"Eh?"

"Aw, I thought you kept your promises."

"I do! Sure you can get a hug."

"Thanks!" And with that Maki stepped in closed and started hugging him, Naruto gingerly responding. After a few seconds he could feel her hands moving up and down his back slowly, but she didn't do anything more, so he didn't say anything.

About a minute later he was feeling more freaked out than that time Orochimaru had said that he also could be interesting to experiment with. Although the realization that it might be something else than a horribly painful medical experiment still topped his list.

"Maki-san, I kinda need to get going now."

"Mhmmmm,"

"Yeah, like right now or I'll be late for team practice."

"Hmkay."

Sighing deeply and feeling like life had somehow betrayed him once again; Naruto switched places with what looked like a newly minted genin. He knew that it was kind of cruel to do that to the girl, but he'd been nice enough to put another girl there. After all, Maki was quite well developed and the genin was almost as short as he had been at that age. Running off from the impeding bout of shouting, Naruto quickly made his way towards his team's usual training site. He and Lee had spent almost an hour testing each other, and while he got his ass handed to him on a silver platter in a pure taijutsu match, he'd been able to pull a draw when nin jutsu and weapons was allowed.

Lee hadn't disappointed him in the least, the fashion-challenged boy was most likely one of the strongest ninjas in the village already, and if he could keep up his rate of growth he would most likely become a force of legendary proportions. He'd added weapons to his repertoire, offsetting his own nin jutsu disadvantage quite a bit. There had been no use of their forbidden techniques though (kage bunshin wasn't forbidden for Naruto and was therefore allowed), and although the gates were a powerful trump card it had its weaknesses. He was fairly certain that if he tapped into his demon powers he'd be able to best his friend.

That said, he was grateful for his upgraded healing ability. Lee had managed to break his left arm in three places, at the end of the spar, as opposed to the one break Naruto had expected. It had been a tactical sacrifice, as he'd been able to put a kunai at Lee's throat, effectively drawing the match. Lee protested of course, as noble and upstanding as he'd always been, but Naruto simply pointed out that the level of damage on his arm rendered it useless, and that meant that he'd had died anyway, since Lee still could have countered on his undefended side even as he was dying. The break Naruto had expected was at the wrist, leaving most of the limb intact and useable. As Lee had broken it at the elbow and just below the shoulder, he could barely move it at all.

He'd spent some time focusing on healing the breaks, before heading to his team's meeting point. Now, as he crouched on a branch and scouted the area, he was glad to see that he for once seemed to be the first one there.

"See anything interesting?" The voice came from just behind his left ear.

"GAH!" And after giving this eloquent response, with the grace of a pregnant rhino, Naruto fell out of the tree, only barely catching one of the lowest branches to arrest his fall.

"Damn it, Kakashi-sensei! Don't scare me like that." Naruto retracted his claws and released his hold on the branch. He'd only used his left hand, as he should be able to protect himself with the other, but had forgotten that suddenly growing claws most likely would cause his perverted teacher some concern. That Kakashi wouldn't notice how he defied gravity was never even considered. Naruto knew exactly how sharp the veteran genius was. That and the many times they'd protected each other were among the few reasons that he put up with the eccentric jounin's many weird habits.

"Well, well, someone has apparently gotten themselves some new skills." A second voice commented, before the speaker stepped out from behind a bush and revealing itself as the third member of the team.

"Oh, hi Sakura-ch, err, san. You're getting really good at stealth!" Naruto replied, missing a sudden stillness on his team mate's face before she controlled herself. He had decided to stop with his usual form of addressing her after their test a few days before. The reasons were twofold; she had shown an immense improvement as a ninja, making him realize that it had been three years since they saw each other and he therefore couldn't claim to know her like he used to. That made the old, familiar form of address seem very assuming to him. He had also felt an immense pride and respect for her new skills, and wanted to somehow signal that respect to her. As she had categorically brushed off his words of praise, he had tried to think up another way of expressing how impressed he was with her. As he had written off the idea of her ever being anything more than a good friend and team mate, the possibility that she'd take issue with his decision never entered his mind.

"Thanks, but you're still a lot better. How did you see him Kakashi-sensei?"

"I cheated." Was all the voluntary Cyclops would say on the matter. "Now, I know you're trying to deflect what Sakura was trying to ask about Naruto, but I think it's time we started talking about some of those skills that you held back on during the test."

"Err, which ones, sensei?"

"Jiraiya said that I should ask for your upgraded anti-pervert technique." Kakashi's request made Naruto blanch.

"In front of Sakura-san? No way, I like not having a concussion." Once again, as his attention was focused on Kakashi, Naruto missed the brief look of hurt on Sakura's face. Kakashi didn't, but he had a strict policy of not getting involved in other peoples' relationships. Unless it jeopardized a mission. Or they were very good friends. Or if he felt like it.

At least in this case, he was fairly certain that Sakura would get some obvious misunderstandings straightened out on their date the coming Thursday. He knew that she was very good at that when it came to Naruto, although she didn't know it herself.

"Well, I promise I'll hold her back for you if she takes offense. So, a demonstration please?"

"Fine." Naruto replied, letting a soft sigh escape before focusing inward. Having decided on what he wanted, he executed the technique, silently moving his lips. He was enveloped in a cloud of smoke as his transformation took hold.

Kakashi had to hold back a giggle, knowing that no matter how much Sakura had matured, there were some things she reacted to instinctively. The busty, extremely cute and bikini clad blond that stood before them was one of those things.

"So, what about it, Kakashi-sensei? It's my special form of transformation. And please don't hit me Sakura-san." This form had a very different voice, seemingly made to sound both innocent, perky and attractive. It was the kind of voice that drew attention from all who could hear it.

"Well, Naruto." Kakashi replied, stepping up next to Sakura and putting a hand on her shoulder. "That's not a transformation technique."

"Heh?"

"Well, to be precise, it's not a genjutsu transformation technique."

"It's not?"

"Nope, and the seal shouldn't be enough to execute it either, unless you've mastered it to the degree where you can do it using one hand."

"What the hell are you talking about, sensei? It's just his old perverted technique, and I really thought me and Tsunade-sama had taught him about using those!"

"Hey! I knocked out Hokage-jiji with this technique!"

"Yes, Naruto, I know. The thing about this technique, Sakura, and its variations, is that it's not the transformation that other ninja use."

"What?"

"To put it simply, the normal transformation is only a mirage genjutsu, meant to make the ninja look like whatever it is he's trying to transform into. Naruto is actually transformed, or shape shifted, if you prefer."

"WHAT? That's impossible!"

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei, one of the academy teachers taught me this. He said it was a special version."

"Show me the whole seal sequence." Naruto performed the seals.

"Well, that's a load of nonsense Naruto. Half of those seals aren't any kind of seals I've ever seen, and the rest shouldn't do anything."

"Really?"

"Yes. So, how did you make it work?"

"Well, I… um." Naruto was supremely uncomfortable right now. He'd shared few things about his past while on his old genin team, and the reason how his female version looked was extremely embarrassing.

"Were you peeping on some poor girl?"

"No! I just thought that, well, maybe I could make something to distract perverts with, and, somehow, I managed this after a while. It took a fair bit of research though."

"Research? Naruto, if you're talking about what Jiraiya likes to do…"

"No, honest, I found a catalogue for women's underwear and used that for how girls look. Then I, err, borrowed a book on anatomy in class and worked out the stuff that I had to change from how I usually am, you know, the boy part." He made a face. "It felt really weird the first few times, but all the bits seemed to fit like they should. Then I just learnt how to add the smoke on the, you know, private parts, cause when I transformed I really felt like I didn't want anyone to see them, and that's it."

Kakashi was slowly shaking his head in wonder. "That has to be the craziest way to invent a technique I've ever heard of. Does it hold if you get hit?"

"Depends on what I've turned into, but yeah, usually."

"I can't believe this. Actually transforming your body like that, it sounds really dangerous."

"Oh, it is. I wouldn't be surprised if most of the people in Konoha would either kill themselves or get stuck in their transformed state if they tried without someone to explain it to them."

"But why Kakashi-sensei? It doesn't consume a lot of chakra or anything."

"Hmm, how do I explain this? Remember the first time we fought Zabuza?"

"Of course, Kakashi-sensei. Naruto and Sasuke managed to break you out of that water prison by… wait a minute."

"Ah, I see you're catching on. Naruto, how did you manage to retain your senses when you were a windmill shuriken?"

"Oh, that's easy, you form a polar charged chakra field around the object you've transformed into and let yourself float there. As long as you know exactly what you want to do and when, there is very little disorientation when you change back. Your senses sort of meld into one, it's impossible to describe, but you can sort of 'see' and 'hear'. There's just no equivalent vocabulary for the experience."

Kakashi and Sakura blinked. "What is he talking about Kakashi-sensei?"

"I'm not sure Sakura."

"Well, I didn't know the terms back then, but basically you let the ying and yang parts of your chakra pull in different directions while forming it into a bubble shape. The separation forms a kind of mental void in between the two chakra charges, and that void keeps your mind intact."

Kakashi slowly lowered his head into his hands, rubbing at his uncovered eye and groaning. "Are you telling me, that you let your whole essence float around with nothing more than a thin layer of experimentally shaped chakra in a life or death situation? And tossed around by someone else as well?"

Naruto shrugged. "I figured it should work, I found that I formed something like that while my brain transformed when I turned into Naruko-chan. It wasn't for very long, as her brain can fit my mind easily. She's quite a bit smarter than me. Anyway, we had to do something, and trying to get that water clone was obviously a waste of time. Even if we got the first one, he could easily make another, and you were drowning in there. I was pretty sure that the field would be anchored to the shuriken."

"You could have died you maniac!" Naruto was slightly taken aback at Kakashi's shout.

"Well, yeah, but I figured it was worth the risk. Without you on the team the mission would almost certainly fail sooner or later, and if something went wrong, I had instructed an extra kage bunshin to get everyone away from him and try to get back to Konoha. As long as Sasuke was still active they should have a decent shot at getting away."

"But you'd be dead!"

Once more, Naruto shrugged. "Those who abandon their team mates are worse than trash, right? Neither Sakura nor Sasuke were able to handle that situation or use those techniques, and I was the most expendable one of us." He didn't get any further than that before two intense auras sprung up before him. Before he knew it, Sakura had hoisted him a foot of the ground, using one hand, and Kakashi was glaring at him in a way he hadn't seen since the original survival test.

"Now you listen to me, Uzumaki Naruto-baka. If you ever again consider yourself as more expendable than any other ninja on your team, I'm going to kill you, revive you, drag your deluded ass back to Konoha and tell Tsunade-sama about it, so she can repeat the process. I am _not _losing another part of this team, understood?" After Sakura's tirade, delivered in a voice fit for a psychopathic mass murderer, Naruto could only nod his head furiously, before being interrupted by his sensei.

"As for me, I have a way to repeatedly use a very painful taijutsu technique on you; I think you know which one I mean. Never give me a reason to show you how it's done."

"F-fine! Sure, no problem." After Naruto finally managed a verbal reply, they kept their glares on him for a few more seconds. Then Sakura lowered him to the ground again.

"We don't have time to discuss your bad self image Naruto, but we will. Soon." Kakashi's voice was serious as a grave.

"Oh yes, you can bet on that baka. And you better have a damn good explanation ready by Thursday night, because I am not letting you get away from talking to me on our date." Naruto swallowed, realizing that he was going to have to own up on some things he'd hoped to never think about ever again.

"Now." Kakashi said in a slightly less serious voice as he pulled up his headband. "Show me how you do that again."

* * *

A/N: CUT! Okay, now set up for the date scene and get Gaara out of his trailer, he can have fun time with his girls later.

Yes, suddenly there is more than annoying little hints of plot. Surprised? I sure hope so. I've probably managed to miss a few things, but as far as history goes, I'm going to play around with how many centuries pass between various events as I like, as it's not really important anyway.

And no, for those of you who think Kyuubi is being nice. He is not. He is however honorbound to help protect humanity. There will most likely be more on that later. Also, if you're lacking a huge Lee-Naruto fight scene, I'm saving that for later. As I'm really insecure in my abilities to write fight scenes, I hope you can forgive me.

And of course, I stubbornly refuse to apologize for the absurdly long time frame since my last update. I simply couldn't find any inspiration for where I was going for a long time and then the whole "demon-invasion" thing sort of took up a lot of my imagination. It was kind of dark and hard to at least sound semi-plausible. Then there was the "My-version-of-Hinata's-life-until-now" part, which also stumped me a bit. I'm still not all that happy with it, and if anyone wants to write out the fights and let me add them to this, I'll put them in at a later date. I will reserve the right to edit them a bit, but I won't publish it without persmission either.

And yes, I was supposed to write a very fluffy Hinata-Naruto date here. I can promise a bit of fluff, since there has been preciously little of what a normal date should be so far for our poor hero, but I bet you can all figure out just how much trouble you can get into if there's an aphrodisiac on the loose.

*Puts on a helmet* With all that said, please go easy on the flames. I think I'm quite a bit more inspired for the next chapter, and the other fic is also coming along, so I hope to get back to you soon.

Till then, ja ne!


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